Dear Kelly,
I think the reason that they haunt us so much is because we really allowed them (Ns) to get inside our brains so that they actually changed some of our thinking patterns. The way that this was done was an extremely slow process and what I am finding is that it is also extremely slow in the undoing. I don't know if it is a one-to-one relationship (that is 5 years with an N, means 5 years to undo an N.) I am hoping that this is not the case !!
But, it is slow. And really, the time away from the N will eventually allow you to become the you that is you again and let the part of you that absorbed him to disappear. So, time is your friend, and by celebrating every minute of life not with him, helps that happen.
I think that one of the reasons that the anger is so long lasting is because we allowed them so far inside us. So that when the realization came, when the betrayal happened, the wound was incredibly deep, near our vitals, life-threatening.
I have found that I need a fair amount of acceptance in all of this. That is, don't get angry with yourself for feeling this way. Accept that these feelings are going to be around for a while, but that eventually they will happen less and less and then some day, maybe they won't be there at all.
When they happen, I acknowledge them. Sometimes I say to myself, out loud even, "Oh, these feelings are because of my relationship with N, they are a symptom of what I have experienced, that is why I am feeling them. They are extremely annoying, like an itchy rash. But I have done what I needed to do by leaving him and they will go away." I find that when I try to objectify the feelings, they have less power over me.
Most of the N issues are about power and control. And when you have these feelings, you feel as though the N is still controlling you. That he still has power over you. What I have found to be helpful, is to recognize this and simply by the recognition of it, it gives you back some power and control and thus lessens his.
I have been away from my N for just over a year (a seven year relationship). Do I still get these feelings? Yes. Are they as strong as a year ago? No. Six months, three months, even three weeks? No. They do lessen, really. And become less frequent. You can't really see the difference from day to day, but it accumulates over time.
I am sorry that you are hurting so badly right now. It hurts when you hurt, it really does. And you think ithe hurt will never end. But it will.
Maybe, think about it like an operation. You had to have your appendix out because it was diseased. If you didn't have the surgery, you would have eventually died. But, since you were smart and brave, you went into the hospital and had it done. Unfortunately, they hadn't invented anasthesia yet. But right now, the wounds are still raw. They bleed still. You have to change the dressings every day, sometimes more often so you have to pay attention to the wounds. You can't ignore them. When you accidentally knock into that spot, it hurts like hell. But, you will heal. And you did the right thing, really.
