Reaching THAT point - where you snap and it is over!

[GAP]

Dear Beth,

What esculated my situation wasn't confrontation but rather lack there of.  I started reading as much as I could about narcissism and stopped reacting...this but him over the edge and esculated the behavior to the point of no return for me.  Confrontation just gives them validation and leaves you feeling helpless.  You gain power by not reacting.

I was able to test this theory recently when my mother went crazy on my brother and I.  I have done so much therapy I was able to see it for what it was and not react.  My brother's reaction was so strong that other family members assumed my mother's story was correct.  He ended up getting so upset he started therapy.  Disengage, don't react, understand her triggers.  Narcissist need supply be it good or bad...no supply puts them over the edge.

GAP

[Margo]

[
Does anyone else here relate to this?  This hitting a brick wall and KNOWING that it is over!!!!
[/quote]



::raising hand::  All through my life.... I've known the wall was coming, in different relationships.  The people I've left never seem to see it coming.... never seem to think I'll go.  They sure seem amazed when it happens.  Margo

[Overcomer]

My mom sent me an email asking for forgiveness-well I responded with a heart felt email spelling out all my issues.  I was crying my eyes out as I wrote it because my pain and frustration were pouring out of my soul.  She responded with-surprise-understanding!  She told me she would back out of the business and let me run it.  I think she finally HEARD me!  We will see if she follows through with her promises of trying to not control me, to build me up and not tear me down!  I feel hope.

[Overcomer]

Continued...well in her email she told me that someone suggested she read the book I HATE YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME......what she didn't tell me is the subtitle is.............dealing with the Borderline Personality Person in your life.  Well, of course, that took me aback because it is so like her to try to label me as the person with the problem.  Oh well, I guess it is no different than me diagnosing her with NPD.  As long as I can put a label on her behavior and she can put a label on mine and we still get somewhere p then good.  I suppose if she thinks I have BPD she can try to help me stablilize..................and yes, I can relate to living in a roller coaster but I don't think I am manic............I just think I can only take so much and then - snap - I get to that brick wall.  Does anyone else know much about BPD and could I have it?  I don't think I do and I called a friend to ask her if she thought I might - she said, "No, you are very sane...................it is your mother who is insane!"

[isittoolate]

My mom sent me an email asking for forgiveness-well I responded with a heart felt email spelling out all my issues.  I was crying my eyes out as I wrote it because my pain and frustration were pouring out of my soul.  She responded with-surprise-understanding!  She told me she would back out of the business and let me run it.  I think she finally HEARD me!  We will see if she follows through with her promises of trying to not control me, to build me up and not tear me down!  I feel hope.

Hi OC

I couldn't be more pleased than at reading this post!  I hope she upholds her promise. I really do--------------otherwise nothing will have been accomplished other than to verify your original thoughts.

However you have her e-mail as "your proof" that things were going to change.

It is still a positive thing!
Lovve
Izzy

[gratitude28]

GAP,
Thank you so much... that is what I needed to hear. I was pretty sure that there could be no good outcome from a confrontation... but I wanted to hear it from someone. I honestly think she is trying to build up to one for her enjoyment, but I am going to just back off and let her find some other outlet.

Kell,
Forgive me, in reading your posts, I see a tango that you and your mother dance endlessly. I think you are still letting her lead and still very much want her approval. I really don't think you can go anywhere until you no longer look for interaction/input/approval from her. She will never give you the business and will always hold it out as a carrot. Of course, seeing this and saying this is a heck of a lot easier than acting on things. I say this and I know that I too am trying to get over the need to have my family give even a rat's ass about me.

Love, Beth

[Overcomer]

You are probably right Beth.  I do not trust vibr she REALLY will give it over-but you should read the things I said!  I mean I nailed her.  Maybe it was a moment of weakness on her part or she is trying to appease me.  I have a phone interview with another company tomorrow-gotta keep my options open for when she tries to pull the rug out from under me!

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((Kell))))))))))))

I would tend to bet on appeasement. At any rate, keep your shield up and protect yourself. I learned one thing from my parents - not to break promises. If I promise my kids something, I do it. I HATED that feeling of constant disappointment. And I learned not to trust people who promised me anything.

Love, Beth

[axa]

Over and over and over again I kept telling XN I could not take anymore and I stayed, WAITING for him to hear me.  He pleaded with me not to know.  He "loved" me.  I kept looking to him to make a change, waiting, waiting, waiting.  Waiting for the happy ever after ending.  It does not come with Ns.  Then one morning I woke up and the waiting was over.  I knew in the deepest part of me that my life would be about nothing other than pain and abuse if I allowed it continue.  I threw him out.  I saved myself and it was over.

THEY CANNOT HEAR YOU.  THEY CANNOT SEE YOU.

I felt like a dog with a bone.  I could not give up on the relationship.  Now I see there was no relationship to give up on.  I was trying to reconcile with a ghost.

As for forgiveness.  I am working on forgiving myself for staying so long, for not caring enough for myself, for not seeing or hearing myself.  XN is happy with his supply I have no doubt so forgiveness does not even come into it for him..........

axa

[Hops guest]

Hi Axa,
I know what you mean...I was amazed at how MUCH work it was to learn to forgive myself for having spent half my life in Ns' orbits...

Truly. I thought once I heard the "click" and was no longer in the relationship, yegods, there was a whole 'NOTHER dysfunctional relationship to deal with. Mine with myself.

Self-forgiveness was a huge piece of work. Still is, sometimes.

(((((((Axa))))))))

Hops

[Overcomer]

Well we had a staff meeting today where my mom led the meeting-it didnt seem like a meeting ran by someone who planned on stepping aside-in fact it was more like a meeting from someone who is stepping up.  The bookkeeper was disappointed because she was so happy my mom was stepping aside.  I told her that I didnt trust my mom to keep her promise but the b k has not lived with my mom all her life!  She looked pretty sad!  Me?  The phone interview went well!  Dance no more!

[Overcomer]

Axa and Hops:  I AGREE THAT WHERE EVER YOU GO-THERE YOU ARE!  I have to try to get over myself and my tendency to do stupid things!

[GAP]

Dear Axa,

I really related to your post about over and over I kept pleading with him.....sounds like my life story.  I wrote shortly after he left for good that I kept waiting for someone to help me with my pain.  My mom as a child, anyone that would listen to the tales of my marriage as an adult...then one day I woke up and realized, no one was going to save me but myself.  That is scary, only we can stop others from abusing us.  I'm still learning how to stop the abuse and walk away from unhealthy people and not feel guilty.

GAP

[Overcomer]

My friend dated a guy who jerked her around until she finally looked into the mirror and said no more!  She told me she loved herself too much to take the jerking around.  She left the guy and finally found the man of her dreams.  At church they preached about being cycle breakers-being what you need for your kids even if your parents were not there for you.  I am at the end of my rope and have a second interview with a company.  Wish me luck!

[Gaining Strength]

I wish you luck OC.  I wish that this is the job for you.  I wish you out of the daily demeaning drama with your mother. - GS