I was very touched by CB123 because I always minimize my accomplishements. Always!!! I have done many things in my life and always feel inferior anyway. I am a great teacher and I constantly need reasurance, I know I am doing a good job and I feel bad anyway, i came to this wonderful country and still feel low achiever, I speak several languages and still, .......bla bla bla, I can tell you many things, but still I always feel bad. I know I should be more thankful to God for many wonderful things, I have a job, I have a more or less confortable life, I have a very decent car, decent apartment, nice Gym, Literature club, dance classes, lost waight, cannot complain. But still feel bad. It is internal, or maybe chemestry, or who knows what.
This is a long rambling train of thought...... skip it if you're not really bored, lol.
Reading Lupita's post struck a cord with me. I spend more time feeling empty than I care to dwell on. Some of it's situational but...... some of it I've carried throughout my life. When I concentrate on something positive..... or just begin DOING something I should do or would enjoy doing..... I find I'm better company than anything else I could substitute. It's just getting past the anxiety. Past the habitual knawing of being empty and missing something (I know is related to my FOO.) If I can break out of the habit and DO...... I experience my actual day. I enjoy the moment. I leave yesterday's anxiety and tomorrow's fear behind, which is my goal, isn't it? I very much feel it is.
It takes concetration to focus on what we DO have in our lives and it takes abandoning our constant anxiety, (which causes some anxiety on it's own.) I must say...... there's usually limited time before that tap on my shoulder, anxiety and the feeling of something missing, comes back.
The anxiety was least least prevalent when I lived on my own and took time away from dating and draining relationships, (my sister was newly residing outside the country for instance.) I put energy into starting a business and being proactive, I waxed and detailed my car every weekend, lol...... I was the healthiest and focused on saying NO to EVERYTHING negative. I created a busy positive life and I was very set on doing that.... there was purpose and drive behind it. I went to Europe, I sailed the Bahamas, I vacationed in Palm Beach with my mother and her dh. My hair was WHITE from being happy in the sun.... making money at a new business and working part time in the afternoon and evenings caring for 3 children and their home...... I ran that house well! Detailing bathrooms and the kitchen was walking meditation and teaching those children to eat better and understand important life concepts was important to me. God help me I told those children their mother wasn't really overweight because she'd given birth to them...... (which was what they said she told them.) I explained she had poor eating habits and didn't excercise! Sure enough.... after I cooked and served a healthy meal.... she'd come in the door at 10pm with fried chicken and a big Kroger cake and they'd all sit down and have a second dinner of junk! Needless to say...... she wasn't so very motivated to keep me around. But that was how I saw it and I thought it was evil of her to make those darling children feel guilty for her health. This was one of those situations my mother would say..... "sometimes you can be too right."
Ahhhh.... quite a ramble. If you're still reading.... sorry about the length of this post. It does make me feel better though: )
Back to saying YES to good things. Back to heing capable of identifying them. I continued this streak for a whole summer before I said yes to a relationship I THOUGHT I could control...... but couldn't. And there were real sparks between us, I swear there were. I didn't realize that sparks are a HUGE RED FLAG..... not being able to wipe a silly grin off my face when I meet someone is a BAD thing. For me at least. It was sort of like a drunk just taking a sip, really, lol...... but it was a relationship I knew wasn't long term and I said so right up front. I KNEW I KNEW I KNEW! Of course, as soon as I said this to this man..... said he wasn't ever going to be considered a seriouse suitor, he soon became my first husband. And I'd waited till I was over 30 to take that step too. I couldn't control it once I let him in my life.
I think the same thing happened with this marriage. I knew enough to drive him off in the beginning..... but he was persistent and came back. More than once. He learned what to say and how to say it. I never really learned to guard my boundaries well enough, did I? I only learned how to identify them and set them. ::shaking head:: There's so much more to it but I didn't understand then.
Another red flag.... men who try to turn our NO's... into a YES. In every regard. These men don't respect us. These men can also turn out to be more than just a nightmare relationship. Men who try to change our minds can also turn out to be those that will harm or kill us. Red flags..... we should pay strict attention to them. Set and guard our boundaries.... even if we don't feel we're worthy. Even if we have to fake it till it becomes habit. We can eventually become comfortable with the concept and then we can start believing.
I'm capable of identifying and making better choices. This IS a fact. WE ALL ARE! Part of doing that is saying NO to EVERY bad choice, no if's and or but's about it. I can't just expose myself A LITTLE to something unhealthy and not lose sight of what I'm trying to accomplish. That's the truth. I do so well and then...... I'm doing well for so long I forget how hard I have to remain focused in order to sustain that healthy mindset. I haven't quite solidified all the lessons and it's like falling off the wagon. I guess that's why AA does so well with the Sponsor thing.... they solidify their lessons by mentoring and teaching the one's they've mastered. This board has strength because of this pricipal.
I think relationships are the hardest addiction to break..... maybe? They're certainly very hard to get out of and replace. Sometimes the replacements can be worse than the one we're trying to get free of. But, if we learn to look carefully..... we can see the signs. Listen and don't dismiss. Don't give second chances. Acess, Accept and ACT. It's not like replacing happy hour martinis with racket ball and a book club, now is it? Better to just start making better choices than to have to go through another bad relationship. ::nodding:: Better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship. Alone means we do self work and then.... then.... we choose people to relate to because we want to, not because we need to. ::end rant::
Margo
