Friends

[gratitude28]

RM put up a great thread about what you can expect from an N friendship. And Izzy said she would be very hurt if a certain friend ever turned on her.

And I am wondering... have I EVER let myself go within a friendship and truly trust and love someone as a friend? I really don't think I have. I wonder if I can? I wonder if I will? After 14 years of marriage, I am just starting to trust my husband.

Do you really have friends? How can you trust someone?

[WRITE]

Good topic Gratitude.
It's one of the things I am facing now, is I never let people get close.
I make myself vulnerable with all kinds of intimacies over the years but always keep a barrier, never really trust.
I do tons of stuff for others but rarely tell or ask for what I want, then when I do it sometimes spills out inappropriately like when I'vebeen ill...
I'm not a gracious receiver, though I haev been trying to be.

I don't think I could trust anyone else though until I could really trust myself.

Trust myself to take care of me and know me and- goodness this still feels a bit odd to write- love me.

It's great you feel trust for your husband, I hope I meet someone I can trust and share my life with too.

I've always had a lot of people in and out of my life, I do a lot of things, but I have noticed since I have let some of my barriers down I have more close intimate friendships than before.

Haven't managed a true romance yet though, though I get a bit closer each time.

But I've always secretly felt it's being open on too many levels.

Years ago I preferred a sexual relationship with someone who was otherwise a stranger; fortunately I haven't been unmarried much or I dread to imagine some of the relationships or situations I might have gotten into.

Though I doubt anyone could have hurt me more than my ex 

I can never trust him totally, though I do love him and understand him now.

[gratitude28]

Yes, write. Those are almost my feelings to a "T."

And while I do trust my husband MORE, I am not 100%. I don't think he would ever do anything mean on purpose. Actually, I don't know what I think. But I don't feel I ever let my guard down with anyone except my children. I think they are the only people i have ever trusted completely. I don't fear them at all and I love them more than anything.

I trust my husband more now because I sent him a letter that was about my feelings for him when he was in Iraq and he didn't run away screaming. Really... I regretted sending that letter almost as soon asit hit the mailbox. But in his typical romantic fashion, he worte back, "I feel the same." Ahhh... his flowery words knock me over and make me melt. LOL.

I think there are definitely friends of many types... those of proximity, work friends, etc. I am fine with those light friendships. They are nice and fun.

I am making some progress like you with friendships. I have opened up too and it is making a huge difference.

Thanks for expounding!!!
Love, Beth

[GAP]

I was lucky.  When I was in high school I met a girl who just loved me for who I was.  She was wise beyond her years, she didn't compete with me, she didn't criticize me, she didn't make fun of me, she just accepted me for who I was and was and still is a dear, dear friend.  I often tell her I'm not sure I would be OK if I had never met her and her family.  They always made me feel great about myself, like I was truly special.  Everything I wasn't getting at home I would get when I went to visit my friend's family.  When I look back on those years I realize I learned how to be human and loving from this other family not my own.

When I was still married and would confide in my friend about all my frustrations and the abuse I was living with she would simply say, I hope someday you believe you deserved to be fully loved.  That is what all of us are working on here.   We weren't taught by our authentic family how to be loved, it is uncomfortable, that is why we married people incapable of loving us properly.  I have met and developed wonderful relationships with woman and I think I'm in a good place and could recognize a good man if he comes along (have run into a bunch of bad ones along the way, but my N radar is finely tuned). 

[debkor]

Grats,

I have friends and then I have friends.  What I mean is I have a few friends that I would trust with my life or my children's life.  These are like my sisters.
Then I have friends who I enjoy a great deal but only tell them what I don't mind other people know.  I know this about them they can't shut up or keep things to themselves. So I simply don't tell them very personal things. 

Now my N friend that I stopped *mutually* stopped speaking to each other back in Dec I know for a fact! that if I needed a kidney and she was a match she would gladly give one of hers to save my life like I would for her even now.
I just know this. Yet this is the one who you do not tell what you don't want any others to know.

I could not trust her with my personal business or to get a word in edge wise because she is too busy talking about herself.
She was very self involved when it came to emotions and empathy was a sliver for anyone else.
Yet if I was going to drop dead and she could save me it would be done in a heart beat!! without question.

My other friends *like my sisters* would do the same.  They are not N's yet my N friend would do the same if it came to saving me, my life. 

So yes I truly have friends and I had to put myself out there *on the line* take the chance to trust.
I would rather have my trust broken then to not trust at all.  There is nothing better then good friends even the ones who turned out to be not so good gave me something.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.   


Love
Deb

[teartracks]

Hi Beth,

Do you really have friends? How can you trust someone?

I do have friends.  I think as you suggested there are hierarchies in friendships.  I have three of what I call 'core quality' friends.  I'm happy to say that my daughter is one of them.  These friendships are anchored in complete trust.  I have two other 'core quality' friends.  I know that they are apt to breach confidences.  So that this doesn't become a problem, I am more cautious in sharing certain things with them.  Then I have a few really good friends.  The special feature of these friendships is that they know me, I know them and none of us put on 'airs' and can be relaxed and have fun together.  I'm not married, but if I were, I certainly think he would be my very best friend.  Sounds like you have a good guy!

tt

[Hops guest]

Great topic, Beth...thank you. Friends are my family, really.
(And I count VESMB too.)

I can relate to what GAP said, a lot. Over time, learning to trust and eventually love women has been the best practice I could have for choosing healthier men.

Finally dawned on me that my dearest women friends aren't Ns, and that their instincts about a man in my life were often better than my own. Their complaints about my men were, I recognize now, about caring for me.

So in future, if I do find another man I'm interested in, he'll have a small gauntlet to run. (Won't say that, of course. Just engineer some occasions where they all meet. And BEFORE I'm in too deep!)

I have one dear friend who would care for me in any crisis. Another I'm not as close to who would do the same. And several with whom we share just one kind of talk or activity.

I think after all the codependency that led me into 2 bad marriages and a slew of Nbfs, I have been on my guard to not get "fused" close, with any human being. In a new marriage that's based on all my learning since the last Nbf, I think I could make real intimacy. But it'll be based on who he is, who I am, and on both of us taking it sloooooow.

hugs
Yer friend
Hops