About Being Alone~~ re me

[towrite]

axa and besee

Yes, the humour can make you feel you are real and that people "see" you. What I find though is in times like that, I lose track of the fact that I am to be assertive, and all the other goodies that will help me be more normal.


Love
Izzy

Izzy, your comment here made me think. I do not use humor so much, but I watch people who do and know it is something people want and value - someone who can make them laugh. I don't have the gift. But I have learned that I need to be more authentic with people from the git-go. It has taken me years to understand how thick is the wall I put up, and I never used to let people see who I really am, thus, they cannot get close to me. Nor I to them. But I have always been convinced no one will value who I really am - it's an old tape that still plays sometimes. Alone I have learned to enjoy my own company and don't have to be ashamed of my pain.

I grew up with a group of now-women, my hang group. I was so-o-o uncomfortable with them, never knew what to say, and my homelife was so awful I spent every waking hour terrified. I know now most of my childhood - 0 to 20 -  was spent in a depersonalized state. Couldn't connect with anyone, esp. myself. My feelings were too overwhelming. I got through it just numb.

All those girls got married and stayed in our hometown. 'Cept me. Now several have gotten divorces and have moved back, along with me. I took a risk recently at one get-together and told one of them a little about how bad my chiuldhood was, that what they saw was probably weird but it was all I could manage. She remarked how you never know what's going on behind closed doors and was floored by a few examples I gave her.

Now I get invited to places with them and am much less ill-at-ease. I don't go on a crying jag or anything, but I am more authentic, not feeling so disconnected. It helps me stay authentic - more so anyway. I can relate to your use of humor remembering how I used to search in vain for some way to be a person of value to these folks - and never felt I found it. Was a terrible feeling, knowing any minute they might find out the 'truth' about me: inside I was so lost and terrified and worthless. My failed rel'ships cemented that notion as all of the departing partners loved to remind me how worthless I was. Sorry to ramble on - just wanted you to know I get it.

Kate

[isittoolate]

Hi towrite/Kate

What a nice post for me!

You: Alone I have learned to enjoy my own company…. and don't have to be ashamed of my pain. I enjoy my own company and am not in pain. I am on a mission to find it!

That is interesting about 0-20 for you, but you were feeling, not hiding the feelings? as I was 0-17 although our surroundings were different. I lived on a farm and in a rural area with maybe 3 little villages not far away, only the village people could watch their neighbours. So on the farm, no one knew what was happening and Dad said that what went on at home stayed at home.

I was about 15 when I knew I was different and I think it was about 16 that I had developed this “odd” sense of humour that I have. I seem to be always developing new scenarios and comments.

Your paragraph about the girls getting married is one I can relate to but I was never in the list.  I can believe your last paragraph that someone believed you, but there was only one? I understand about the need to be a person of value (good term that I have never used) and somehow developed my sense of humour.

There are places where strangers are together with the same thing in mind, like elevators, store line-ups, waiting for the Walk signal etc. and I have always found those embarrassing silences hard to take, so I began inventing comments for such times.

The elevator in my building stops at my floor and I am always going down, door opens. Someone is there. I ask, “Going up or down” either way I get on and if the person is going up I say, ”Well that's the scenic route anyway. I take it a lot” and the person will chuckle as we stare at 4 brown walls. Ice broken for that short duration.

Depending on who the person looks like, at the Walk signal buttoons, I say"Did you know if you push the button here and then someone on the other side pushed it, that it cancels out yours, so you have to push again" They always push again. LOL.--or tell me I am crazy!

I was in the bank today. Long line-up. I turned to the nice looking lady behind me and said, “At least I’m being paid to wait” and we chatted shortly, then she said, “Well you are worth it” and I (to my surprise) responded with, “Of Course I am”. That blew me away. I said it as though I meant it/knew it!!!!!

Then I popped over to the Drugstore I always use (know the clerks by sight) I approached this young blonde and said I wanted some of that “wisdom and maturity advertised on the sign. Which aisle please?” She looked at me like uh? And then at the clerk at the next checkout, and I repeated to this other one. She said “Oh I get it!” then I explained to the blonde

The sign was “with age comes wisdom and maturity, and lot of good deals. Senior’s Day April 27, 2007 and the picture was of a lovely silver-haired lady who exuded peace and serenity

These, and other people, all strangers to me, can go home and say---“That woman is N-U-T-S”, or they can say I was amusing. Whatever! They are NOT in my personal life, but I have enjoyed myself and just hope I made somebody’s day!

Don’t worry about the ramble. Look what I’ve done!!

Thanks and Love
Izzy