About Being Alone~~ re me

[isittoolate]

I know I posted a lighthearted view of my day today, including Therapy, but this is what I have been trying to avoid.

I can cover all my hurt with just a fun time (laughter covers hurt) with people and I forget I have no feelings.

This I why I chose to be alone!

If I can live with myself and be content that might be all I will have for the rest of my life.

If I hook up with someone, like that gal in the Office today, I cannot keep up the frivolity forever. I will become despondent, lose a 'freind', or whatever---but I won’t be despondent if I remain alone.

Can anyone understand that?

I need to research ME!

Izzy

[axa]

Izzy,

I understand.  I have used humour, ususally self deprecating humour, to cover my hurt most of my life.  Nmom could see me when I made her laugh, so I became the joker in the family.  Funny, I was talking to my therapist today about this.  I can make her laugh and it gives me much pleasure.  I discussed this with her yesterday and explored the issue of intimacy.  In some ways my being the "funny one" keeps others away, so they do not see me.  When we talked about this what came up was what I did not want people to see was my SHAME. 

When I am the funny one I am showing a part of me which others will like and please them.  I am being a "good girl".  I have not come to any great conclusions about this but think there is a significant connection between this and my fear of intimacy and shame.

Hang on in there Izzy, you are doing great.


xxxxxxx axa

[isittoolate]

what happened to my post?

later
Izzy

[isittoolate]

axa and besee

Yes, the humour can make you feel you are real and that people "see" you. What I find though is in times like that, I lose track of the fact that I am to be assertive, and all the other goodies that will help me be more normal.

My therapist says there is but a hair's width between laughing and crying.

Most comedians are known to have had depressing lives.

Right Besee. I can be open and honest here and with the therapist. I never have been with anyone before---partly because I didn't know my problem. Don't know if I will say anything to my brother and sister when they come. Why 'worry' them about something they won't understand? (beside it would take me 65 years to explain.)

And my alone time puts me into the self-analyzing/'thinking of therapist' mode.

Love
Izzy

[Gaining Strength]

Can anyone understand that?

Boy can I!  Beginning a year after my husband died when my friend turned her back on me and turned "our crowd" against me as well  - I shut down.  It took me a long, long time to even try to get involved with people.  And when I did - everything I did backfired at first - for over a year.  It was a nightmare - 4 years of living hell.  Only this past year have I really made an effort and finally begun to have a modicum of success. 

I will continue to work on developing relationships and getting involved with people.  I have learned so much and am glad I finally found a way to venture out.  But it was not without risk and not without cost.  But I really do like the person I am.  I like my values and have begun to recognize some real strengths. 

My last obstacle to overcome is the paralysis from the shame and I have made great strides in that front as well.  I am very optimistic.

[DivineSunshine]

Izzy,

I am learning sooo much from you!

My therapist says there is but a hair's width between laughing and crying

Soooo true.  'Nuff said!  (But one I never realized like that before!)

Why 'worry' them about something they won't understand? (beside it would take me 65 years to explain.)

My question is:  WHY do you HAVE to explain??????   I come to this same nightmare question in dealing with people in my life?   Explain human decency??? Explain kindness????   Ridiculous!  Simply ridiculous---tooo much effort now---just too much!   Forget it!


Love ya!


Sunny

[debkor]

Izzy,

Made me wonder when you said laughing!

My kids seem to zero in on when I'm upset/mad/hurt. If I'm not saying anything then they seem to know I'm keeping it inside. 

Especially my older son notices.  He will look at me and say Ah looks like mom needs a hug and YELL to my other kids GROUP HUG!!!  as they come running and laughing making me in the circle (as I am telling them to stop because I am so intent in wanting to stay miserable and hurt) they will call the dogs to, so now I have three kids and three dogs as we are spinning and going sideways till we almost fall and roll in a big ball, till I laugh.  It so lightens the load of holding in that emotion.
I don't think that I would cry but the laugh kind of did the same job.

Love
Deb

[Hopalong]

Oh Deb.
What a pure joy story.

Thank you!
 

Hops

[isittoolate]

(((((((((((((((((GS, Sunny, Deb and Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank y'all for your posts. Sometimes it seems no matter the topic there is someone (are someones?) who can zero in and understand. What a wonderful Group.

We understand the good times and the bad times and the weird times and the really weird times.

Loved the Group Hug story, deb.

I can't remember the last time I was given a hug and a kiss, but somehow, at this point it doesn't matter.

Love
Izzy

[debkor]

Izzy,

I am giving you a ((((hug))))).  I would send a kiss but I'm afraid when I kiss the screen I will electrocute myself.  Would that count as shock therapy?


Love
Deb

[isittoolate]

Just might be good shock therapy. Thanks for the hug... and.....

Love
Iz

[Overcomer]

Boy that hit a nerve-once I was laughing hysterically during an extremely stressful time and the next minute I was balling!

[isittoolate]

I have too, OC, long tome ago, so I know it's true.

[Margo]

I know I posted a lighthearted view of my day today, including Therapy, but this is what I have been trying to avoid.

I can cover all my hurt with just a fun time (laughter covers hurt) with people and I forget I have no feelings.

This I why I chose to be alone!

If I can live with myself and be content that might be all I will have for the rest of my life.

If I hook up with someone, like that gal in the Office today, I cannot keep up the frivolity forever. I will become despondent, lose a 'freind', or whatever---but I won’t be despondent if I remain alone.

Can anyone understand that?

I need to research ME!

Izzy

I understand that completely.  It isn't easy to risk becoming vulnerable and sharing ourselves.  For one thing.... not every new aquaintance is worthy of our trust.

I can say that I've scared away a freind lately, not too far away, and I've become closer to another friend through sharing, instead of just withdrawing after the mirth and laughter weren't sustainable. 

Heck, most people grew up in imperfect families and they're dealing with things they'd like feedback on, themselves.  There has to be some give and take though.  This friend may be having similar feelings herself.  Hard to say till ya open up and share a little more with her. You don't have to take a huge chance.... just share something real that you wouldn't mind her knowing, even if she's not going to be a trusted close friend.  Share some of your recent visit with family.  Ask for her favorite recipe.  Ask her how something that's worrying her is going.  Margo

[isittoolate]

Thank you Margo,

The risk here is that I live alone, 2000 miles away from ALL my family, and disabled at that. Isn't that food for thought? Isn't that strange? Many people might question that and I don't want to talk about it. So far i've been asked twice and I've said, "Who could resist this beautiful Okanagan weather in comparison to 6 months of winter in Ontario." That's the truth but I don't have let it all hang out as I do here.

I don't want anyone knowing about me who might gossip/pass it around, then suddenly everyone looks at me strangely because I have a daughter who will not communicate with me---must be my fault---what else am I hiding?---and  all the other family crap I would like to resolve/forget!

Yes. I talked about my 50 years of smoking, with the woman in the office, and about my broken feet from the fall and a few personal  things, but not my family issues. She, in turn talked about herself, out jjobs, etc. and we parted company.She will likely think that I am a very nice person, as I think of her, except for her noticeable tendency to interrupt the second she hears a familiar word.

All is well on the living alone front, for now!
Izzy