Custody Battle with a narcissistic

[kaylebsmommy702]

I am going through a custody battle/ relocation hearing with my ex, whom i believe to be narcissistic. He has not yet been diagnosed, but a friend brought it to my attention that he may be- so ive been doing all of this research on my own and now I'm convinced. We have an evaluation with a court appointed therapist on 7/20/07. My friends and family are split down the middle on if I should point out my findings to the therapist or if I should keep my mouth shut so I dont sound like the vindictive ex. Im not sure what to do? In my research Ive found that N's are at a heightened risk for abusing (even sexually) their children, and that no custody should be awarded only monitored visits. I dont want my son taken from his father, but if he does in fact have narcissism, I want him to get the help he needs... Ive never posted anything before but I need help deciding what I should do? Any Suggestions?

[mudpuppy]

HI KM,

My friends and family are split down the middle on if I should point out my findings to the therapist or if I should keep my mouth shut so I dont sound like the vindictive ex.

You don't have to do either. If you can, without malice or anger, simply describe his various misbehaviors and pathologies a competent therapist will be able to make his own findings and you will not sound vindictive. You will sound instead like a concerned parent and put upon spouse.

Making emotional accusations and attributing motives to him will make you look bad.
Keeping our mouths shut is what allows them to do what they do without consequences.

There is a middle ground of just speaking the truth and letting their craziness do the rest. It's no guarantee of success of course but it's usually the best course.

mud

[isittoolate]

I have no knowledge on this topic, but.............

Good Luck
Izzy

[OR]

Hi K702,

I'm a lucky mom who escaped the N-ex with full custody, of my 11 yr old.
My friend Mudpuppy and others were very instrumental in helping me through my escape.

It's a long story and one you could find on this board from Dec 05 under the name OnlyRenting "what would you think about this comment"  I printed all the pages so one day I Would read the 200 pages to  remind myself of the last 4 months of my 27 yr marriage.

1.I believe what helped me was my ex- had been on medications and abused the drugs. So keep record of any time you see abuse.  

2.We made plans to move out of state where I was able to transfer with my job. He was on disability so I was the only one working. At the last minute he decided not to move so he is now 1500 miles away.

3. I was not in a good place for a long time but staying together was better so I could keep an eye on my D vs split custody. When he decided no to move I ran with my D to TX.

4. I had a 6 yr old medical disability report from a doctor that said my ex was  Narcissistic. (I did not understand the report until I found this site.
There are two kinds of N's, mine was the not so dangerous type but the kind with grandiose, entitlement type.  

5. I believe now everyone uses the term so most people shoot down the idea of N, unless you have a phys report.
I had one, but like Mud said the courts want examples of behavior.

I gave an example of how Ex would tease until my D would say something back to him he didn't like, then he would have an over reaction.

One time he had taken his meds and drove the car to pick D up from school hitting the curbs. I let the courts know how I always drove in separate cars and after she told me about him hitting the curbs he walked to pick her up.  This helped so he was not to have her alone in the car with him.

Once I left the state he did not respond to some court papers, the ones that explained I had requested full custody, so the judge was very upset with him. Then I got full custody because he would not respond to me when I needed his authorization for her to seek help from a physiological counselor.

Keep in mind the courts what your child safe and who will be the calming factor in the child's life.

I hope some of this helps you.

OR  







 

[Stormchild]

HI KM,

My friends and family are split down the middle on if I should point out my findings to the therapist or if I should keep my mouth shut so I dont sound like the vindictive ex.

You don't have to do either. If you can, without malice or anger, simply describe his various misbehaviors and pathologies a competent therapist will be able to make his own findings and you will not sound vindictive. You will sound instead like a concerned parent and put upon spouse.

Making emotional accusations and attributing motives to him will make you look bad.
Keeping our mouths shut is what allows them to do what they do without consequences.

There is a middle ground of just speaking the truth and letting their craziness do the rest. It's no guarantee of success of course but it's usually the best course.

mud

What mud said, squared and multiplied by six. This is the only way to convincingly expose any abuser. Speak the truth, and let them expose themselves for what they are.

[axa]

KM,

Welcome here, I have no experience of dealing with an N and kids but there is a wealth of experience here.  I wish you well in this difficult journey

axa

[Hopalong]

Hi KM,
Glad you found us.
I haven't battled an N for custody but regardless of labels, I think it's important to get in touch with your inner mother tiger. She's relentless, she's calm, she Will Protect Her Young.

If you describe what you want for your children, then what they get when with their father, and don't flinch and don't apologize for saying it (calmly, non-emotionally)...that will work in your favor.

Be rational, clear-eyed, and ooze determination from every pore...

No apologizing for describing (and documenting) ALL his relevant behavior unflinchingly.

Hops

[Margo]

I am going through a custody battle/ relocation hearing with my ex, whom i believe to be narcissistic. He has not yet been diagnosed, but a friend brought it to my attention that he may be- so ive been doing all of this research on my own and now I'm convinced. We have an evaluation with a court appointed therapist on 7/20/07. My friends and family are split down the middle on if I should point out my findings to the therapist or if I should keep my mouth shut so I dont sound like the vindictive ex. Im not sure what to do? In my research Ive found that N's are at a heightened risk for abusing (even sexually) their children, and that no custody should be awarded only monitored visits. I dont want my son taken from his father, but if he does in fact have narcissism, I want him to get the help he needs... Ive never posted anything before but I need help deciding what I should do? Any Suggestions?

Welcome Kaylebsmommy: )  You've gotten lot's of good advice and you'll continue to get more if you stick around.  Good luck.  Margo

[mum]

Welcome. My ex is classic N. Classic. However, labeling him so was never never my call. Even the mediator pinpointed him as a Narcissist, and basically said, "oh, no wonder you are having such a hard time"... but she could not "label" him officially either. Very tough. Just take the knowledge of "N' that you have and keep it in mind when you deal with him.
Stay as calm and level headed as you can under the circumstances. I know that wearing my anger on my sleeve (and he was VERY good at getting me angry....by USING my kids, of course) worked against me. The courts want to see someone who is calm, centered and only thinks of thier children, not of themselves. Focus ALWAYS on what is right for the child, even if it is good for you, too.
Calling your ex crazy (which he may well be!) and an egomaniac will only make YOU look crazy, and they don't like that. Keep the N knowledge as your secret weapon. Your other "weapon" will be your mother love.
Now, go get 'em, sparky!
Sending lots of strength and love.