<<The enablers may not be able to help themselves, any more than the N can, but in the immortal words of Sovereign and Safe, "So What?" You see them making the choice, every single time it occurs. You see that they could choose differently. Eventually, you come to the conclusion that they don't want to. At that point, does it really matter why? Any more than it matters why the N does what they do??>>
Argh. You're right, you're so right. I guess I'm still struggling with the initial phase of the breakaway--part of me wishes desperately that there could be a way to fix the situation, or to fix my Dad, and I've just got to let it go. I felt so much grief this AM after dropping the kids off at school, thinking of how my Dad really will suffer if years go by and he doesn't get to see these precious children. I feel responsible for his suffering. I feel responsible for his choices! But I have to remind myself of all the ways in which he's acted as my Mom's henchman. And the way he was always gone on business trips when my brother and I were kids, knowing that he was leaving us alone with this high-strung, rageaholic mother.
This is what's amazing to me : the worse the conflict is between Nmom and anyone else, the more tightly Dad clings to her and the more strongly he supports her. He wants to prove his love and loyalty. He complains about her abusive behavior and then says helplessly, "But I love her."
And he wants me to do the same thing. To him, she is the sun and we should all revolve around her.
My Mom is a physically beautiful person, even at age 60, and she is so charming and charismatic. People love her. And she says such terrible things behind their backs, and is so vicious. When someone tries to stand up to her, she will either dominate and bully, or turn into a helpess, appealing child. And it ALWAYS works for her.
I have to unlearn so many terrible things I absorbed from growing up with her.
