Hello to everyone, I'm a new poster. I'm married for almost a year coming up June 3rd. This is a second marriage for me and I have two children from a prior marriage. I am in shock, again, because my husband is very depressed and telling me, again, he wants to leave. I have such a deep hurt right now and I don't think I'm processing things well enough -- can you give me some feedback?
I met my husband on the internet, not online dating, but on a message board. We hit it off immediately and I flew across the country to meet him. We did fall in love and it was very quick and passionate, I know, not a very well thought out thing. He moved here three months after we met, another shocker, but we felt so strongly about the relationship - and as you may know, that feeling of love can be very blinding. We both have a history of mood disorders. I have bipolar 2, but it's well controlled (I actually work in the mental health field as an RN and am well aware) -- my husband, we'll call him 'flip' has also struggled with depression and it runs very deep in both of our families. OUr history- my dad was bipolar and I grew up with him leaving all the time, I had no stability but had some strong supports in my family - dad is now treated and a successful therapist. Mom also has depression and long relationship history. For flip, his dad left his four siblings and mom for another women, that relationship didn't work, but then got help for alcoholism. His mom was depressed and very withdrawn and emotionally abusive, not horribly so, but not functional. There was no nurturing for him as she had two jobs and basically he raised himself. He tried committing suicide, I know it sounds incredulous, but he hung himself at the age of 7. He had a wild childhood but eventually recovered enough to own his own business in fixing cars...and then sought therapy. He became very dedicated to meditation and rarely drank or indulged in anything. He basically lived a long his whole life until I caught up with him at age 42. He's had relationships, but also from what he's said they never lasted longer than a year, and a few times he's left in a cruel manner. He once cheated on someone he loved but then stated it pained him for years. He did cry about it when he told me. (this is important for later- read on-) He had found solace in himself and being by himself. He knows he has mood problems, but when he was by himself he could manage it much better. His pattern has always been to not get too close, and run when he feels overwhelmed - this usually entails him becoming super critical (like his mom was to him) of the other person. He has OCD characteristics and cannot tolerate things out of place or any kind of disorganization. On that same thread, he's been a wonderful stability to the family and his ideas have helped make a lot of improvements which were needed for survival even. But I know it's been difficult for him each time he sees food go to waste or something broken because of carelessness. He grew up poor and deals with a lot of feelings around being frugal. I am the opposite, but none of this seemed to matter, and my love for him has lead me to try and meet him to where he can feel comfortable. I have made changes from his suggestions in effort to blend our lives and make compromise. Usually he is very loving and kind, and dedicated to the children - one who is bipolar and can be a nightmare at times...but we are both well equiped normally and he usually copes very well and has been a strength for us. This is why it's so shocking! We have many same interests and have good philosophies on love, spirituality and emotional health - although we do have trouble with moods from time to time. We don't really fight, we talk, and our therapist told us in the beggining we have a great relationship. We go to therapy with my son, and we go as a couple, because I realized a few years ago when he moved here that it would be best for all of us. Actually, we had been going only for my son...but a few months ago we started going as a couple. Now, after he moved here he had a period of shock where he became depressed and totally withdrew from me, and since then he does this from time to time, but always comes out of it. He says he doesn't know if he loves me anymore, and my reaction is to become hysterical. That is my end of the deal. In my last marriage I never saw how this affected my ex, who lost his career as an airline mechanic once the airlines went bust and they shipped all the jobs overseas. Our family suffered, we were both depressed and we separated. I always blamed his depression, but the therapist has shown me that my reactivity, my pushiness in trying to 'fix' everything has been making things worse. This anxiety that I have is a hard habit to break! I think of as a child, moving every year, never knowing if dad would be home at night or not...or if he'd end up in the hospital. I'm sure I have some PTSD from that and have a hard time not reacting. Anyway, Flip lost his job, he was working from home after he told his boss he was moving here a few years back and his boss let him stay on. He had a good job as a transmission consultant, very successful. He lost this job last year, and he recovered okay from it. But he couldn't find the same kind of job. He does not, and is adamant about this, he won't work on cars. He wore a suit to his last job and identifies with that type of person and success. But, he has no degree...tons of talent, but no degree. He got a job selling cars, and I was very anxious in the beginning about this - he has trouble forgiving me for putting that pressure on him. He knows how important it is to be a wage earner and no one wants to lose that power. I am not that nagging, but I try and talk with him about the future. He is so sensitive about this, he's very private, and he also has a very hard time trusting anyone. He most likely has self esteem issues that run very deep. Well, he lost his job again, selling cars. He didn't sell a car for over a month and each week he became more and more depressed. He has never not been successful before and he is a very proud man. He took another job in sales a few weeks ago and a neighboring dealership, hoping they had more traffic...but last Sat. he came home upset he didn't sell a car. On Sunday I watched him slip into a deep depression. Nothing happened really, we had a good morning, were going to ride bikes along the river path. I did what I had been told to do. I left him alone and briefly gave him words of support. He got worse on Monday. In the morning I tried to ask him, I guess I was pushing him to talk and he started yelling and left abruptly. I left him alone that day and tried to stay positive. Tuesday I became very anxious and decided to call him, hoping the fog had lifted. I know that when he's depressed he sits and mulls over what a mistake it was coming here and I think he blames me as the reason for him being in this situation. He won't let me near him. I can say hello, and sometimes he cracks a little smile...but on the phone yesterday I pushed him to talk and of course, (I knew this would happen but had a very weak moment) he said he should just leave because he was meant to be alone. He also says he doesn't care about me, or the kids, or anything else. Well, I am struggling with how he could treat me this way, but also know it's the depression. Where to draw the line? I am so helpless right now...I love him beyond measure. I would forgive him every time he does this I guess...and I called the therapist who is still confident he can help us. We are going tomorrow. I also called his brother and made mention for him to give flip a buzz on the phone, he's very wonderful and supportive.
Now, I am wondering...why do I let this guy do this to me? Or is this me being selfish? Maybe he feels the pressure from me to perform and make money, be successful and he feels like a failure? He can be so wonderful and giving, but then turn cold and mean when depressed. I would say this happens every 4-5 months or so, but it has never lasted this long before. He takes St. John's wort but it will be a miracle to get him on a prescription med as he's opposed to it. He will go to therapy, and he did help Ian to school this am, meaning he's not totally disengaged. Whew, this was long...my thanks to anyone who has feedback.
Dana
