And then, there was silence . . .

[RedRose]

I've been reading through posts, and so many points catch my eye.  I have read many times about how, when attempting civil conversations with the N person, the N person can no longer stand what you are saying, so the N person hangs up.  Just like that.

My mother has done this to me several times in the past, including during my teen years when I wasn't living with her.  It was just one more thing that led to anger I both felt and suppressed.

Then, several years later, when I was stronger and sick of her shite, I hung up the phone on her.  I was calm during the conversation, but when she went into something -- most likely a tirade of my "offensive" behavior or some grand idea about something, I hung up on HER.

If I remember correctly, she called me back or brought it up later that I had hung up on HER.  BINCH!  was all I could think.  So I said to her, "You've hung up on me several times in the past, for no good reason."

Denial.  

I remember when I hung up on my boyfriend.  We were young, and I wasn't the epitome of communication.  He let me know how that felt.  I have learned so much from him.  We've been married twelve years, now.

I remember thinking why can't my mother just at least say good-bye, I can't talk about this, now, instead of just a cold, hard click from the receiver.  

It wasn't as though these were passionate arguments that normal people have from time to time and someone may hang up and feel bad about it, later.  No, it happened quite a bit.  With no apology or thinking on her part that it just may be HER.

This was just one more thing that added to the feeling of being unloved and without value.  In a subconscious way, when you're in the thick of it, you don't know which end is up, so you begin to form defense mechanisms.

How many of you have had the sudden phone click treatment during a conversation with your N?  Was it several times over the years?  How did you feel?  Enraged?  Sad?  Finally indifferent?  As though, you accept it.  That's the way they are going to be.

[Portia]

....

[RedRose]

Portia,

I don't know if anyone else has done it, but I do know that the way people act are most often a result of the environment in which they were raised.  Most likely, it is a manisfestation of being N and the N developing her own coping mechanisms.  Studying other humans and ourselves could take several lifetimes, no?  

As for tele-sales people, I have lost patience with them.  The fact you stated -- that they KNOW most people cannot just leave the phone -- really irritates the hell out of me.  It's a type of emotional blackmail, and I despise it.  I no longer answer the phone when I think a solicitor is showing on caller ID, and I have the balls to say, "No, I'm not interested, thank you," and if the person keeps digging, I will say, "Good-bye," and hang up.  Fortunately, most sales people will now respect you when you say, "I'm not interested," and the call ends there.

[Lizbeth]

I find I've become very effective against sales people on the telephone because I answer the phone at my job all day long (among other duties).  I can usually tell it's a sales person after they speak their first few words.
They have a tone to their voice or an attitude.  We are on the "do not call list" (even businesses can sign up) so I can tell them that we are on the Federal Do Not Call List and if they call us again, they will be reported.  My pet peeve is also junk faxes.  I've been working on eliminating them at home and office as well.  I think I take some of my long repressed anger out on junk fax peddlers  

Portia,

I don't know if anyone else has done it, but I do know that the way people act are most often a result of the environment in which they were raised.  Most likely, it is a manisfestation of being N and the N developing her own coping mechanisms.  Studying other humans and ourselves could take several lifetimes, no?  

As for tele-sales people, I have lost patience with them.  The fact you stated -- that they KNOW most people cannot just leave the phone -- really irritates the hell out of me.  It's a type of emotional blackmail, and I despise it.  I no longer answer the phone when I think a solicitor is showing on caller ID, and I have the balls to say, "No, I'm not interested, thank you," and if the person keeps digging, I will say, "Good-bye," and hang up.  Fortunately, most sales people will now respect you when you say, "I'm not interested," and the call ends there.

[Portia]

Red Rose, you said:

I have the balls to say, "No, I'm not interested, thank you," and if the person keeps digging, I will say, "Good-bye," and hang up.

Look how polite you are! ‘Thank you’ and telling them you’ll hang up with your ‘goodbye’! This is why what your mother does is quite odd. Does she still do it? Does she talk throughout the calls about herself? Are you required to join in? Or does she take offence at the tiniest thing and hang up?

[rosencrantz]

I have the same experience as Portia but I've put the phone down on my mother cos she just won't STOP having a go at me.  And I've set it as a boundary now.  You pick at me, I give you one warning and then put the phone down.

And I do the same thing as Lisbeth with sales calls but I can never remember the name of the list we're on and I'm less polite (!).  They get around it these days with a slightly hurt and dignified 'This is not a sales call, madam' (cos if you're 'marketing' it's not the same as 'selling').  Weaselly words!!!  Same thing, mate - bugger off!!!

Ah, that felt good!!  
R

[seeker]

Hi everybody,

When I was emotionally overwhelmed at school, I would call home for some support.  If my father answered, he would get this tight tone in his voice before handing the phone to my mother as soon as he could.  He just cannot handle the feelings of anyone he is related to   .  And he is in a counseling profession    .  I felt so unsupported and abandoned.  

And yeah, the megaN would keep talking even if I hinted I needed to go.  I now know that in addition to the powerplay of who gets to hang up first, it was also an attempt to avoid being alone.  This N cannot bear to be alone.  So it's sort of like a relay: I'll hang onto you until someone else shows up, then you can go.

As for telesales, I now just hang up.  I consider it an invasion of my home.  I feel empowered to just cut off the noise pollution.  I wonder if that is how our Ns feel about us when they hang up  

Ciao, Seeker

[el123]

Redrose,

I have the same situation as Rosencrantz.  My MIL and mother both keep me on the phone disregarding that I have stuff to do, opinions that they never ask about, etc.  It's all about what they have the need to unload on me or talk about.  Especially my mother.  I usually have to say bye 5 or so times (no exaggeration).  I have HAD to hang up on her as she just keeps on talking even if I'm late going somewhere, am in the middle of something, etc.  She has absolutely no regard for boundaries.  

But my MIL hangs up on my H all the time when she doesn't get what she wants, if he tries to set boundaries, or says anything that she does not like.  Just like Jacmac wrote, she waits for him to call back and does not even answer.  He used to feel so bad about it and leave her a voice message apologizing (even though he was nice to her on the phone.  She just didn't LIKE what he had to say).  Then he'd call her back later on that night to "make sure she was ok".  She totally used hanging up on him as a manipulative ploy to get him to feel bad then lavish her with attention yet he'd feel like $%#@ for the entire day.

-El

[clj_writes]

Phone etiquette with my folks:
1. Both must be on the phone with me at the same time.  On the rare occasions my mother has called solo, she tells DH it's Mrs. J____.  Neither of my parents ever told DH what to call them.  Well, it's only been 9 years, I best give it time.    I informed them we were going to start calling them by their first names and my mom said, "I still want to be somebody's Mother".  Whatever the heck that means!

2. They control when the calls are made.  Often when I call them, they insist on calling back (sometimes immediately).  Sometimes I call them and they don't answer even though they are home.  They don't have an answering machine, either.  Perhaps I annoy them by trying them a bunch of times when they aren't answering.  

3.  They talk like I'm not there.  "We should probably let her go now."  I used to protest this one-- not any more!    They also squabble like I'm not there.

4. We talk about nothing of substance.  The weather, sports (not interested), our jobs, gardening, medical stuff.  My father the workaholic asked me about my "hobbies" a while back.  Oh, you mean my hobby of figuring out how to live an authentic life???  I can't tell them about my interests or I'd get major negativity back.  It's just not worth it.

5. Typically I get off the phone agitated.  They don't listen, they don't hear me, and even though I know this, I still get frustrated.  It gets me that you all know me better in roughly two weeks than they have in 41 years!

6. No hang-ups.  Ever.  The universe would explode if that ever happened.  It's all about maintaining the illusion that all is well between us all.  Makes me sick.  

[Rojo]

Hi, RedRose

Yes, I too have had to deal with the phone being hung up on me by my N mother.  It infuriates me because it is such an in my face statement on her part that what I have to say, and what I feel have no bearing on anything at all in her opinion.

The time I can remember clearly was when I asked her about the latest details concerning my father's estate and investigation surrounding his death.  (They'd been divorced for 15 years by the way)  Classic her, she was very vague, even though she knew a whole lot more than she was prepared to divulge to me...simply because she wanted to hold all the cards, regardless of the fact that the information she had, had a direct bearing on me and my recovery after his loss.  I pressed the issue firmly but  nicely and she in turn blasted me viciously and did not allow me to speak at all, then hung up.  I was so hurt and outraged at her lack of humanity.  I had tried to convey to her that I realized his death was hard on all of us but she could not process that.  It was all about her and the needs of her kids didn't matter.

Knowing how crucially important these details were to me, and that she was the only person who knew the details, she instead opted to send the information to me via postcard years later!!!     Pathetic, sick little power trip.  I'm sure my Dad was turning in his grave over that one.  It just turned my stomach.

God bless,

Rojo

[tokyojim2001]

My N "friend" has a new method.  He has call waiting.  He tries to keep me on the phone until another one comes in.  Then he says he has to go.  In this way, he can avoid being alone, and also try to be in control.

How come they have so much time to dream up this stuff?

[Portia]

Tokyojim that is so rude of your friend. Maybe you should get call waiting too and call yourself on a mobile/cell-phone?!

clj_writes you said:

On the rare occasions my mother has called solo, she tells DH it's Mrs. J____. Neither of my parents ever told DH what to call them. Well, it's only been 9 years, I best give it time.  I informed them we were going to start calling them by their first names and my mom said, "I still want to be somebody's Mother".

Ooo! Married for 9 years and she wants your H to call her Mrs _. And she still wants to be somebody’s mother? Boy she still wants you as her girl doesn’t she? Totally ignoring the fact that HE is the focus your life now and not HER! Poor woman. But did you really say you were going to call them by their names, not just H? That might have been a bit of a blow…?

[rosencrantz]

After Portia edited her post, my response didn't make sense any more - so I've removed it.  
R

[Anonymous]

Portia,
Thanks for making me grin.  Yes, my mother wants me as her little girl forever (when she doesn't want to BE me as others have said).  She told me I "didn't have to marry" my DH and I didn't for a while--we lived together.  OMG, she didn't like that.  She once told him "She is just on loan to you".  

I see her once a year which is plenty.

Thanks for your stories.  Weird how they want it both ways (to be both mother and daughter) and how the men in our lives are such problems for them!

[clj_writes]

Oops, that Guest directly above was me.  Thought I was logged in.