all my married life my ex would have moods, I was supposed to be the one with mood swings but I was more in control than him a lot of the time.
I make a tremendous effort not to act out my bipolar on others, I consider moodiness inconsiderate passive aggressive behaviour. It makes people walk on eggshells.
Thinking about this again was just triggered by someone being moody with me at church, remember the guy I told y'all about a while back. There was quite an attraction between us for a while but I held back because he told me he had anger issues, and I don't want to repeat a pattern of 'find a guy with problems and try to help him kind of thing'. Y'all analysed some things I said about him and concluded he wasn't romantic relationship material! but I had decided to be friends with him.
He asked me a lot of questions about bipolar last week, to be honest from what he's saying I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't bipolar, and we've spoken about it a couple of times over the months, that's how I came to tell him about my illness & how it's managed. He is in therapy. Recently we've been friendly, like when we first met, but I just dropped some stuff by his office and he was so abrupt even for him.
It just reminded me of all the times I was 'punished' by my ex even when I hadn't done anything near wrong to his mind or mine.
Last week I had told this guy I wouldn't be staying with his church, I have felt increasingly it's not quite my faith place after a few days ago one of the pastors asked in front of everyone why I don't take communion. Which I spoke to him about after and he said he was just curious, but it did feel all a bit 'cultish' and 'if you don't do what I do then you're not welcome here' which he assured me it wasn't but I am of the mind if that's how it feels that's how it is. I've been burned in these organisation situations before of things where one thing is said but another thing entirely is what happens.
He said he understood why I was moving on, and was very friendly last week, but today his rudeness was hurtful but I could see he was upset, I reached out my hand and he just looked at it.
Anyway I said this morning I felt so happy, and I did, let's see how strong my core resilience really is, if my mood withstands hostility. Usually that's a big trigger for me and I start questionning what's wrong with me. That's not just a confidence thing, it's to do with managing the bipolar too, am I being too loud, too forceful, too manic etc. I have to take a lot of feedback from others and situations. Too much sometimes.
I've been asked to help musically at one of the unitarian churches so I took that as a sign it's time to move on, I've been there a few times recently when I've not been singing on Sundays.
There just isn't a church for me so I am resigned to moving around and sometimes satisfying my Christian beliefs, others respecting my Interfaith beliefs.
But I wouldn't stay anywhere that didn't 'feel right' irrespective of their creed!
Okay, I typed all this and let it go. I haven't cried, usually people's anger makes me cry. Actually this is a first for me I feel kind-of angry with him, not worried about why he's having a bad day or how can I help but just annoyed that he wasn't more considerate. You all were right, he's out of control.
