daughter sharing my emails with her friend

[isittoolate]

--yes I rather suspected she was--how? I don't know. Then one came to me with her friend's name in the Cc line, not a BCC  and I knew.

So I wrote to my daughter with an obvious Copy to her friend. I opened with an (Hello to the friend and an couple of short lines) then addressed my daughter.

I have had 2 emails from the friend and none from Daughter. Her friend has told me more than Daughter has--all is well with her is all I knew but I still know my daughter and she is just the same as when a teen, well-loved and respected by colleagues etc and on an on. Also how her work etc is prioritized.

I 'sense' that the friend is telling me to leave Daughter alone (reading between the lines, I am)--something D hasn't said--or doesn't have the nerve?

I don't like this at all.

Izzy

[Overcomer]

Well, Iz, I know I share what is going on with my nmom with my best friend - she knows the whole thing.  Now, I can't imagine my friend conversing with my mom.......maybe you could ask your daughter's friends some questions to find out exactly what your daughter is thinking - and maybe she could be your advocate to your daughter??

[Gaining Strength]

Izzy, I see that this hurts and I am sorry.  Can you express your concern directly to your daughter?  If she is sending a message "between the lines" via a friend there is too much room for misunderstanding.  Could you ask your daughter if your interpretation is correct?

I really think direct contact - from the horse's mouth might help.

Always longing to see the two of you find a path back together. My thoughts are with you. - GS

[isittoolate]

Thanks OC

but there is no way---this is a person I have never met and who is 'hositile'

[isittoolate]

Thanks  GC

Am thinking on it and I see the therapist today.
xx
Izzy

[isittoolate]

Therapist said to write daughter--leave out friend--just say how hurt and humiliated I feel about my private life being shared with a person, or persons, I don't even know. It's been an invasion of my privacy. How long has she been doing this and why? The element of trust has been badly bent.

[Gaining Strength]

What a wise therapist!  I'm so glad you have such a good and trusty counselor.  We all need such a sage in our lives.  I'm glad you have him or her, Izzy.

[isittoolate]

She's a her, GS, and I too am glad to have her--and that my app't was today.

I was really pi**ed off when I went but calm went I left.

[Gaining Strength]

but calm went I left.

I'm so glad Izzy.  How nice it is that your therapist is really therapeutic for you.  Just as is should be.  just as you deserve.  We all deserve more of that in our lives. - your friend - GS

[isittoolate]

I wrote this:

I am appalled. I am hurt and angry, embarrassed and mortified that you would share my private life with a person, or persons, I do not even know.
 
This is a betrayal on your part to share my emails containing my physical and mental struggles, as well as other details of my life.
 
How long has this been going on and what on earth are you gaining from it?

[debkor]

Izzy,

That would of hurt my feelings too.  I"m sorry.    I know how hard you are trying.


Love
Deb

[isittoolate]

Thank you Deb

I am hurt and she has crossed a boundary!

Just a wait and see how she replies!
IZ

[axa]

Izzy,

I can imagine how hurtful this is to you.  I think your T is right, direct communication is best.  I am wondering if you can corresponde with your D without expectation............. very hard to do.  Keep the lines of communication open, be real, as you are here.

axa

[Margo]

--yes I rather suspected she was--how? I don't know. Then one came to me with her friend's name in the Cc line, not a BCC  and I knew.

So I wrote to my daughter with an obvious Copy to her friend. I opened with an (Hello to the friend and an couple of short lines) then addressed my daughter.

I have had 2 emails from the friend and none from Daughter. Her friend has told me more than Daughter has--all is well with her is all I knew but I still know my daughter and she is just the same as when a teen, well-loved and respected by colleagues etc and on an on. Also how her work etc is prioritized.

I 'sense' that the friend is telling me to leave Daughter alone (reading between the lines, I am)--something D hasn't said--or doesn't have the nerve?

I don't like this at all.

Izzy

I think that sensing something isn't knowing something.  It's OK to take a step back and just breath, btw.  You're daughter may need a little time to miss contact with you and appreciate that you're trying to re connect.  She may even discover that blaming you entirely for her mistakes isn't a very productive path. 

In any case, this is interesting that you've struck up a dialogue with the friend.  I'd keep chatting her up and explaining things the way I see them.  She may be able to present it to your daughter in a helpful manner. 

I think you know best what to do.  Heck...... just ask the friend what she thinks.  Or not, lol; )  Margo

[Overcomer]

Hz:  I know this hurts but I am going to play the Devil's advocate here.  Even though you are mad and hurt and betrayed, do you think if you reprimand your daughter it is going to help your relationship with her?  I know I have told my mom that I will only talk to her with a witness-because it keeps both her and I from getting ugly with one another.  Maybe you could play the game and tell her you will be sharing your emails with a friend of yours as well-how would that change the dynamics?