Breakthrough (breakdown??)

[Overcomer]

Hello All:  I feel like I have had a major breakthrough.  It is almost instantaneous but it has been a long time coming!!??.......The reason for the (breakdown??) in the title is because I think I have snapped.  Sometimes people will say, "She had a nervous breakdown........"  Or, "she just snapped..............."  This is what has happened to me, only in a good way............

For YEARS my nmom and I have had this "dance."  We will call it a DANCE OF ANGER.  No matter how much and how many times I express my needs to my nmom, she doesn't hear me.  No matter how many times I point out things in her that are dysfunctional and need her attention, she needs to change, or if she would just admit that she needs to give it attention or  to change, she denies, denies, denies..................and doesn't hear me....................Sometimes when I think she has heard me, we have a conversation a little while later and it is as if she has never heard these topics before.................she says things like "if you could just give me some examples of what you mean............" and in the previous conversation I spell out in no uncertain terms the examples of things she does....................but do you think she would recall them?  Or remember??  No.  But believe me, I am no longer complaining...................I snapped.  I no longer care if she hears me.  I no longer care if she admits she has done wrong.  I no longer care if I get help from her.  She holds no power over me.

And then it dawned on me.  SHE HAS NO POWER OVER ME.  ALL ALONG IT WAS ME GIVING HER MY POWER!!!  Yes, we all have the power to take control of our lives.   But in my case, and in many other of you who were raised by an N parent, we were brainwashed all our lives to defer to the nparent.  The nparent was always right.  The nparent got to evaluate us as people and if we did not fit into their perfect will for our lives, then we were made to feel less than.  Our self esteem was controlled by their whim.  We had shame poured all over us until it soaked it!!!!  (GS!!!!) 

I sent her an email the other day and in the past I would have been balling while I was writing it................I was laughing.  It was maniacal laughter.  It was laughter that said............"You know what?  Lady??  You no longer have the upper hand.  You no longer get to make me feel guilty.  You no longer get to have your way.  I get my way.  I get to run my own life AND the lives of my children.  You have lost your power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1  She has lost her power!!

Everyone here who is struggling with an nparent!!!!  Take their power away!!  You are wonderful, awesome people!!!  You are not perfect but you are great!!  You are nice.  You are giving!!  You are lovely.  You are pretty (handsome.)  You matter to people!!  You matter to me!!  I NEED you!!!  You are wanted and loved and understood.  You are validated.  You have a voice!!  And I don't care what that voice is either!!  If you are a Christian, great!!  If you are not, great!!  If you are a democrat!!  Great!!  If you are a Republican, great!!  If you are fat, great!!  If you are skinny, great!!  If you are beautiful, great!  If you are not so beautiful, you are beautiful to someone!!!!!  You are important and smart and needed.  You have an interesting point of view.  You ARE entitled to YOUR opinion, and it is OK!!!!!!!!!

I had a breakthrough!!!!!   I had a breakthrough!!!!  She no longer has any power over me!!!!

[tayana]

Wooohoooo!  Congratulations!  What a great post.

[teartracks]

Hi OC,

I am overjoyed for your breakthrough. 

Don't let this moment be stolen from you. I pray that I will have the spiritual strength to hold on to it.  That was Storm's prayer last week when she had her breakthrough.  This is going to be a very joyful time for you, but you must guard the gift you've received with all your heart.  Cover it and protect it  with prayer.   The enemy (old Screwtape)  will try to snatch what you've learned and steal your joy.   

Rejoicing with you,

tt

[Overcomer]

It IS cool isn't it?  Oh and yes, I am a week out from my period which means I am in a pretty optimistic part of the month.....we'll see how I act in three weeks!!  Boo hoo!!

But it just dawned on me.....................why am I banging my head against a brick wall trying to change someone who cannot change.  Einstein said it best.........Insanity is doing the same thing you have always done and expecting different results...!!"  Don't want to be insane, now do I??

This woman is clearly Narcissistic.  She truly thinks she knows what she is doing at work........she believes she does.  I guess I would feel a little threatened as well if someone told me I didn't know what I was doing.............because I believe I DO know what I am doing.  So we all know she is like the Emperor with no clothes or the Elephant in the middle of the room.  EVERYONE knows she doesn't get it but her...................so I will refrain from being the little child that yells, "hey, the emperor has no clothes!!"  She would simply deny, deny, deny.....

So IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE.  I CAN PLAY HER GAME.  I CAN LET HER PRETEND SHE IS IN CHARGE.  I CAN LET HER FOOL EVERYONE INTO THINKING SHE IS THE BRAINS BEHIND THE BUSINESS.  BECAUSE I KNOW SHE IS NOT AND EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS TO.  She can be the inside joke..........

A friend of hers said to her once.."I gave my kids permission to tell me if I am making a fool of myself......."  She gave my mom several examples of people who used to be important but had lost their edge due to age, but they made fools of themselves by not bowing out gracefully...............mom didn't get it...............so let her make a fool of herself..............we warned her.  Her sister even said she is fearful of losing her edge.................that's why she won't give up.......................

Oh well, not my problem ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Margo]

It seems so obviouse once we've actually had the epiphanie. 

A friend told me that you know you're a truly nice person if you still care about other people when you're having troubles of your own.  I think this board is full of nice, read that as amazing, people. Margo

[Overcomer]

Today is a new day!  We all have to do those things that move us forward.  I am feeling ok right now-have an excellent, optimistic day!

[Portia]

Kelly, wonderful thread, all of it Have a great day 

[Overcomer]

One time several years ago I asked my mom why my brother was not controlled by her but I felt totally controlled.  She told me that I would have to ask him.  Even after he told me I just did not get it because it was me who was in the prison with the keys within reach!  As with anything we have to be willing to change our lives even if we do not know how our life will look.  My daughter will not set boundaries with her boyfriend for dear of losing him.  I try to tell her not to is worse!

[camper]

Yesssss Kelly!  That was an awesome post!  It will help all of us walk out of our prisons.

[Overcomer]

Since I am on a roll, I will continue.  IT FEELS GREAT TO FEEL CONTROL!  This goes for spouses as well-you can allow yourself to be railroaded or you can take back your power.  Being raised by an N I have always settled for second best in mates because I was made to believe I didnt deserve much better-but I watched the last episode of Sex and the City and Carrie would not settle for a man who didnt give her his all and it made me decide that if H does not become the man I want I will leave!

[Overcomer]

It is just that we all seem to settle in our lives-if I were to choose a man with all the qualities I want it would not be my H.  He's a drunk.  He will only do things with HIS friends, not mine.  He is not very affectionate.  Even after I told him I want more romance , he still says "You wanna do it?" when he wants sex.  I dont know, I just think we all deserve to be loved whether it is our parents or our spouses!

[Overcomer]

Yes he said it to me just yesterday.  I did not comply!    I just want someone who takes the garbage out without me saying, "Honey will you take the garbage out?"  And someone who will go out with MY friends!

[Overcomer]

Still feeling good!!  It is amazing to me.  Since I stopped caring what nmom thinks and says, etc. I now care for her.  I was driving down the street and I wanted to pray for her - that the Lord would bless her, etc.  I haven't thought that way in a very long time.  Usually just the thought of her makes me angry and I want to explode with anger.  But I just cannot do it anymore.  Yesterday she made me angry because she triple booked herself and dumped the responsibility on me when she was gone.  I told her she needed to buy a Franklin Planner and be aware of her obligations so she doesn't over book herself.  She gave me one of her "looks" and I put my hand up into her face and said, firmly, DON'T!  And walked out the door.  Didn't stay mad because I didn't let her get me!!

[isittoolate]

Good for you OC,

We all deserve to be loved.

I have never felt love from any of my parents and siblings.

My daughter loved me when she was little, 5, then I was in the accident and I'm not sure after that, as I was different and afraid she wouldn't love me and might have projected certain feelings to her. Okay when she was little she sat on my' permanent lap" but when she got bigger.........................?????

You know? The wheelchair is like a steel confinement on 3 sides, and my feet are out front on the foot rests. Who can get physicaally close to me to give me a hug and a kiss. They all do it wrong!!!!! They ought to approach me from the BACK and hug me and kiss my cheek--- how do you educate people???????

I have cut off everyone who is not nice to me now.

I am alone, but I am not lonely.

Hang in there!
Love
Izzy

[Overcomer]

Ami,  You will get there-two steps forward and one step back every single day!  It is almost like having a baby-you dont have one in a month-it takes time.  Iz-How have you been?  What I say to you is you can only change you and I guess you just have to love people and hope someday they love you back.  And as far as the hugs, just tell them-I would want to know!