Author Topic: It feels lonely.  (Read 3044 times)

Lupita

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It feels lonely.
« on: May 19, 2007, 08:13:24 AM »
From CB:

"Basically, what they want is for you to be invisible.  Voiceless.  Out of their way.  I dont know if there is any way to explain to someone who is not yet to the end of the line--someone who is still trying to make the circle smaller yet.  I finally knew when I was so sick that I didnt know if I could live through it.  For as long as I was still alive, I would still be taking up too much space. 

And when I died, he would give an Oscar winning performance as the grieving husband.  But I would be dead.  That's when I quit making the space smaller.  I moved out."

It is so painful. I would change the grieving husband by grieving mother and there I am. My mom does that. She did it all my life. She is coming to visit and I am scared, she will destroy the little confidence I have built. Sometimes I think that she come only to make sure that I not gotten out of line yet. To make sure that she destroys whatever I have built.

She is coming to "take care of me" for my surgery. I think hse is going to get an Oscar for the acting she is doing there wihr ner husband and my sister as the devoted mother, spending her savings to come to take care of her daughter.

Also she is dying to see me skinny. To see if she has another reason to envy me.  Sometimes I think she is my enemy.

I feel so worthless, she would prefer me dead just to be consoles by everybody as a grieving mother.

Hi, Ami, does this sound familiar? CB almost killed me with her post.

I need to move on.

I look great, i have literature club, play the piano, have a job, they gave me my contract for next year, so after all I did not do such a bad job if they want me back. Take dance lessons. But still feel bad. Still feel lonely. from inside.




James73

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Re: It feels lonely.
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2007, 08:18:54 PM »
Lupita, I may not be here to always speak to you but my thoughts are always with you and I will lend you my strength in my prayers. There are many of us who are suffering in the world, I like to think we are all connected on the spiritual plane and there is a great power in words and in the love of others, whenever I feel depressed or alone I think of people on here who gave me strength in their words of kindness and I no longer feel alone, I feel safe and amongst friends. I hope you wont need this spiritual strength too often as it will mean you are happy, but no matter what it will always be there for you, an endless well of support and comfort.
James

debkor

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Re: It feels lonely.
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2007, 10:17:39 PM »
Hello Lupita,

I'm sorry you feel lonely inside but I wanted to say that I miss your posting on the board but I understand you are busy and have a whole lot of things going on.

Just wanted you to know you are missed.

Love
Deb

And where is Leah and Really Me and GS where are youuuu!!!!

Missing all you peeps.

tayana

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Re: It feels lonely.
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2007, 10:59:15 PM »
Dear Lupita,

I understand how you feel.  I remember the day that I realized there really was such a thing as the living dead.  It was a horrible realization, but I think it was the day I really managed to see how small my Nmom really is.  I'm not as afraid of her as I used to be.  I'm still afraid.

I know exactly what you mean about her wanting to come take care of you after surgery.  My Nmom did that when I had ankle surgery 2 years ago.  She still does it.  I hate it. 

Be strong, Lupita, and know you aren't alone.  You are a wonderful, accomplished person.  Don't let you Nmom take those things away from you.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

Lupita

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Re: It feels lonely.
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2007, 05:44:33 PM »
She arrived, we were happy to see each other until she said that she wanted to call my sister. She only had 30 minutes here with me and she wanted to call my sister. I said I do not have international service. She said let us buy a phone card. I said the Hispanic phone cards are sold in a place one hour away. I can take you there later after the traffic is off. It was 5:00 PM. She said I want to buy a card anywhere. We went to Wal-Mart and got an ATT card. She started crying that she had to buy such an expensive card. I felt so bad. My first hour with my mother was ruined. Then she wanted me to call. I entered the pin number and made the call. My sister did not answer the phone. My mother was mad at me. Or at least I felt she was mad at me.

My son came to see us and she always is nice in front of other people.

Today I told her I need to leave early because I have blood work and have to get to work. She was lagging, and was late. When I got to the lab there were seven people waiting. Then I told her to hurry up. She said that she could not walk anymore because she had patform shoes and they were hurting. She is 69 years old. I said wait for me in the car I have to run. I run to the lab and I saw her crying in the car. Later I said you have to come and sit down at the lab because there are seven people before me. She said that she was tired of being humiliated by me.

When we were driving to my work she was crying all the way to work. I told her that what did she want to do with the shoes because my shoes are too big for her. She said nothing.

In my classroom she sat giving me her back and not looking at me and not talking to me at all. Complained about the air conditioned over which I have no control.

I felt very sad. I feel extremely sad.

We came back home, I took a nap and she sat in the leaving room, when I came to the leaving room to sit with her she left the leaving room and went to the bedroom. I am in the leaving room right now and I do not know what to do.

Hopalong

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Re: It feels lonely.
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2007, 12:15:41 AM »
Lupita,

She is a muddled old unhealthy woman who has no idea how else to behave.

She doesn't know how.
It's not in her repertoire.
She's so programmed by her own pysche she is not capable of acting like a grownup.
Somehow, at some time, someone stole her capacity for adulthood.

SHE IS NOT WITHHOLDING ANYTHING FROM YOU THAT SHE HAS LOCKED AWAY.

SHE IS NOT WITHOLDING ANYTHING.

She just doesn't have it.

Pity her, love her, accept her confusion from the distance of your whole heart.

WE LOVE YOU, LUPE.

You can move ahead and heal from all this and find new sources of love in your life. You will.

SHE IS NOT THE ONLY SOURCE OF GOOD LOVE, SUSTAINING LOVE, STRENGTHENING LOVE.
SHE REALLY IS NOT THE ONLY SOURCE.

SHE IS NOT THE ONLY SOURCE.

Please don't stab your heart about this any more.

You ARE a grownup, unlike her. And you need to stay calm for your surgery.l

You can't fix the emotional tension, but you can let go of your own.

Just let it go. Let it float out the window and down the street to a park.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: It feels lonely.
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2007, 09:15:30 PM »
Hi Lupita,

I'm sorry for using all those capital letters.
Didn't mean to yell!

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Lupita

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Re: It feels lonely.
« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2007, 09:36:59 PM »
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am too confused to answer. I am too stuborn. I am not ready yet to accept reality. Cant think clearly. But it feels so nice to read your posts, and your advises, and your ideas. It comes me down. Thank you so much. I guess I should not be mad if a little boy five years old poke his tongue at me, because it is just that, a little boy. Guess I have to accept that my mom is just retarded. Emotionally retarded. A five year old poking his tongueg out. Making a raspberry sound.
Thank you Bess, Hops, dear sister Ami, we are not only sisters, we are twins. We have so muhc in common.
Hopalong, dear friends, keep writing me here, please, your words come me down.
God bless you.

Lupita

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Re: It feels lonely.
« Reply #8 on: May 23, 2007, 09:38:25 PM »
Thank you Tayana, thank you Deb, thank you James. You are kind people, your words help. Thank you.

Lupita

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Re: It feels lonely.
« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2007, 09:40:34 PM »
Hop, you have nothing to apologize. Your advise is full of wisdom. I wish I could do it. I am not ready. I cannot feed my self yet. :(

Hopalong

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Re: It feels lonely.
« Reply #10 on: May 23, 2007, 11:13:18 PM »
That's okay, Lupe.
You're doing a very good job and you're doing the best you can.
We can only heal on our own timetable.

I think you're doing a lot of great thinking, and I'll bet Izzy has an emoticon for the raspberry...

hugs, sleep tight,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: It feels lonely.
« Reply #11 on: May 23, 2007, 11:14:35 PM »
James,

You are a soulful lovely person.
A good person, and a rare one.

I am moved by your kindness.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

finding peace

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Re: It feels lonely.
« Reply #12 on: May 24, 2007, 08:23:51 PM »
I hope you are doing OK.  Is tomorrow the last day of school?

I am thinking of you - hang in there - sending you hugs and prayers.

Peace

 

- Life is a journey not a destination

Lupita

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Re: It feels lonely.
« Reply #13 on: May 25, 2007, 08:11:56 AM »
Dear Hop, you are great, and you have been of great help to me. Still I think that you were yelling at me. Not because I thought you were yelling at me. But because you thought you were yelling at me. That means, you were yelling at me. That means you were irritated thinking that I should know better. And it is true. I should know better. I know better. I just do not feel better. I know she is incapable of feeling for other people. I understand everything I read in the website. Still I do not feel better. I also get irritated with women who stay with N husbands and come to the board and whine about it but still stay there. It is the same process. Healing our selves, take care of our selves on our own, take care of our needs.
Yesterday my mom kissed my boss on the chick. Why? I do not know. This is America, we do not kiss in this country. She knows better. But she kissed him. She is 69. Fortunately my boss did not react negatively. After all, I have a good boss.
Thank you God for my boss.
Dear Ami, although the suffering of others is not consolation to me, it feels better to know that there is other people suffering the same, that I am not crazy. That I am not the only one that deals with a mother with whom you cannot discuss, her thought process is twisted, and they do not process information the same way we do, They just spend too much time inflating their ego.
At least I too her to her favorite store and she had a good time, I took her to the gym and she had a good time and today I am trying to write here. She usually wants my attention totally devoted to her, to the point to asphyxiating me. But for some reason, today is allowing me a moment of freedom so I can write here.
She already changed everything of place in my kitchen, I cannot find anything in my kitchen. Last night she remembered me that I humiliated her on Tuesday morning and that if I mistreat her again that she will tell my brother not to send my sister in low to visit me. She has no idea that I am so desperate for love that with a little love I would be kissing her feet. But instead she threatens me with the same things she has done all my life. Isolating me. Making everybody hating me. Inventing stories to tell the family and say that I mistreat her. Accused me of flirting with her husband, when I was 20, also when I was 11. How can I flirt with her husband when I was 11, and my father just died, when I was 11?
Suddenly, I was 11, my father died, three months later my mother married again and she left me with my grand mother for 6 months. Because I was flirting with her husband. I lost my father, my brother, my sister, and my mother, at once. She went to live to another city with her husband and my brother and sister, left me in another city with my grandmother.
Now she said that never happened. She lies. But she believes her lies. She remarried again ans accused me of flirting with her new husband that by the way was my age. Then accused me of flirting with my sister’s husband. My sister prohibited me to talk to her husband at all.
Now she is here, telling everybody there that she spent all her savings to come take care of her daughter.
I am numbed. I know that my mother is incapable of knowing what I feel. She has no idea. But still, she fed me, she gave me roof, and she is here to help. I have to move on, and enjoy the little things she does. She is fixing food for us to eat.
Please, friends, keep writing me and giving me scientific knowledge and ideas on this problem.
Thank you dear friends of this dear board.
I have to rememeber that my mother honestly suffers and she does not even know why.

Lupita

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Re: It feels lonely.
« Reply #14 on: May 25, 2007, 08:13:14 AM »
Today 25 is the last day of school. Thank you for asking. Students stopped on Wednesday 23.
Lupita