I think part of it is I hate being micro-managed in any way shape or form.
But part of it is around gifts in general, in fact at my last therapy session my therapist left me with a comment on a book I had rushed to read so I could lend it to her...I suspect she thinks I give away too much or have too many expectations around gift giving/receiving.
It does all seem to have become a stress-fest in recent years.
Didn't we used to be quite pleased just to receive something or give something? I do remember slight disappointments on birthdays but in general it was the whole festival atmosphere I enjoyed- which now seems to be lacking because everything's all plastic-packaged, over-trimmed, high maintenance and expensive!
Janet, I learned when I first emigrated to keep costs separate, in our culture it is common to do this politeness dance over shared expenses with each trying to pay. Do it here and the other person looks at you, says, okay, and that's it- you pay!
Several times when there's been a splitting of the tab I have seen people stiff the tip or once the hostess tried to get me to pay as if it were full-price for my son, when it was just a kid's meal, the difference was about $12 and the accountant sitting by me immediately intervened.
I probably wouldn't let something spoil an event but it does make me choosy about who I go out with and how the finances are set up. I never get really close to someone who is very mean with money though so it doesn't matter relationship-wise.
afraid that they "won't like you'no, I know they like me Ami, and if I do speak up they will wordlessly pick up the bill for me. I have a bit of a reputation for speaking out, these are people who when they first started dating each other I pulled them on one side and said they were embarrassing me with their touching, I've also told the group not to drink so much around me! No one would be a bit surprised if I said no, but I also know that I can be a bit fanatical so I was trying to go with the flow.
It's just the flow seems to get out of hand....
It sounds too much like enforced funexactly Portia.
They also want me to join the bowling league they set up which is what the shirts have morphed into- a weekly commitment. I have declined that, though I am appreciative that they want me around too. When I first came here I knew no one, it is nice to 'belong' a bit.
You know over the years I have hosted tons of good parties and I can tell you the secret- spontenaity. If someone starts the singing or dancing, go with it, if it is a great conversation let it carry on. A successful party 'flows', the host just pulls it together when things flag or there's a problem.
If other folks want to spend their lives in debt, it's up to them. I just won't join them. I call it being irresponsible and in the end, selfish. Someone has to pay, sometime.the whole debt thing is scary isn't it.
I know people who will perhaps never be out of debt....and it's not just in the US. Ex's sister has had so many lucky breaks financially over the years and blown it every time on unnecessary stuff and holidays. She is always looking for someone else's money to spend!
I don't know what I think about the shirt being 'charity' Portia. I don't feel bad about wearing it so long as I haven't had to buy it! Part of our culture was this strong 'pay your way' thing even when it wasn't necessary and over the years I have been pretty bad about taking things and receiving things, always felt better about being on the giving end.
I have been trying to get away from that because it can feel like no one does something nice for me....then I have to remind myself I didn't let them.
Some of my friends and I have arrangements on financial things, like we go to somewhere cheaper now I am not rich, or eat at home, or one friend always buys me lunch at my favourite place on the condition it's the one near her home so I have the long drive there and back....ex and I have an arrangement for the summer that he gave me extra money because he wants me to work less and be home with son. I couldn't do that if he didn't.
People can be very entitled about others' finances when it's "for a good cause" that's funny Hops, I got a letter just yesterday from the UU church I used to attend saying they have identified me as a non-member who shows an interest in the church, so can I pledge some cash please! I get charity requests almost every day, often in the form of pretty labels accompanying a 'donation' envelope. My son's school I spoke to the PTA a long tiem ago and reminded them the children have far more than enough there, we really don't need to raise so much money; some people were shocked I think, they had never thought there could be 'enough'....
The whole topic is much more emotional than I thought.
edit in: someone did once give me a shirt as a gift/payment in kind when I'd specifically requested something different this is my experience with ex. I am so easy to please for gifts, a CD or book of poetry, yet he often gives me what he thinks I should want. In fact recently I have found myself putting off his gifts, they have felt very much like a display of 'look what you are missing!'
It's worth it
How you spend your money is YOUR business to finish this essay (! ) I don't think it is Janet! The common sales tactic here is find out how much someone is willing to spend- note I don't say 'can afford'- then add some on and sell them what fits the price.
It always feels dishonourable and disengenious to me.
I want to look at a proce- the FINAL price- early on in my thought processes and be left alone to make my mind up, not have a game. Other cultures are different about this of course.
