For Hopalong

[Hopalong]

Thank you CB...I think some of it is that she's my only child--that can make my hopes too big sometimes. But I'm a big girl and I'll rally and make my own plans.

Sela, thanks much--I wrote her almost exactly what you said, just that if she didn't feel like vacationing together it wouldn't be any fun so I'd make my own plans.

Thanks for the encouragement, it helped a bunch.

hugs
Hops

[WRITE]

I think some of it is that she's my only child--that can make my hopes too big sometimes.

I have an only child and he says it would be easier if there was a sibling- I expect too much!

It makes it hard to have their fathers with such deep problems too Hops, I so worry that I see N traits all over my boy, even more than if he had bipolar because I feel like that is manageable and creative, NPD is lost and destructive....

Hope you're feeling better today.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Write, I am.

I know what it's like to fear the Ntendencies in your child.

All I can say is I will just keep addressing the NON-N in her and treat myself with respect. The rest is in fate's hands.

(I don't think she's "NPD" but she's got the spots, same as I do.) Oy.

Your son has many years to go and many things to learn about life and a lot of them he'll learn on his own or with other influences. If he's got half his Mom's smarts (and I bet he does) he will not be static in who he is.

I don't think my D will be either. She's already showing better signs.  I just need to remember that some growth is kind of tectonic.

love
Hops

[WRITE]

some growth is kind of tectonic.

that's how it feels- like I started as the earth mother now as well as growing him I've bred this sequence of eruptions and earthquakes.....

some of my friends live alongside a volcano, they speak of it as a process of change: it was dormant, then heated up and made the river hot, then exploded open, now it is extruding a huge unstable dome which will either collapse in a giant pyroclastic flow or solidify into a mountain. Either way the land around grows alternately scorched and withered or extremely fertile....and sometimes the procedure repeats over and over for many years.

[WRITE]

I don't think she's "NPD" but she's got the spots, same as I do

hmmm, I haven't noticed much N in you dear!

[axa]

Hops,

Just wanted to add a little to this thread.

I had an incredibly close and loving relationship with my daughter and when she died I felt the loss of that relationship terribly, the friendship, love, sharing.  With my son it never was that easy.  I think at times I have tried to project that "ideal" relationship onto him but have had to learn to step back.  He is very loving but in a different way.  He makes plans with me often which he changes or withdraws from........ less these days I must admit but I had to not take it personaly.  It was enlightening to hear that he does the same which his father so it is not personal.  I think like lots of young people he is up for whatever is the most fun!!

I had to learn to build my relationship with my son and what I learnt is easy on the expectation, don't read too much into anything and take baby steps.  You are communicating, that is what is important.  I know it is painful not to be able to share the time together on the beach in an easy way but heck Hops, that is how it is with lots and lots of families.  I have had idealised views of a family for a long time......... like other families were having such a good time but that is often on the outside.  Maybe you and your D are being very open and saying what is real.  She does not feel pressurised into taking a trip with you that she does not want to.  Sounds healthy in ways.  I recall being with XN and kids........we looked like something from 7th Heaven on the outside but there was ofen coercion to get everyone together and have "fun". 

I also think a week is a long time when relations have been strained.......... baby steps, Hops

Sending you hugs

Axa

[Hopalong]

That's true, Axa!

She did feel safe about telling me, and wasn't mean.
And I didn't have a scolding response (thank you Sela).

She does have the right to change her mind, and this instance
was a lot of improvement over her earlier pattern.

Thanks for your wisdom, I'm feeling much better.

hugs
Hops