Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
The What Ifs
mary:
I read a book about forgiveness and it asked , Do you think forgiveness is required for the befit of the theif, the murder, the abuser. No it is required of us because it is for us and our own welfare. When we dont forgive it is like carrying around rocks in a backpack but forgiving does not mean that we set ourselves up for more abuse. We should love ourselves too much for that
I do not wish to imply judgement here!!! THis is what I read and I am having to find my way in this forgiveness thing too. Two of my kids wanted to take their lives because of N father. I am a pot of anger and confusion and hurt and shame and shock and not understanding and on and on including self blame. I am not judging how could I?
CC:
My, my, what a lot of hoo-ha has come from the original post. Just wanted to say that I would never intend to put down anyone, I am only here to post my own experiences as how they might relate to the original subject. Perhaps I should not have singled you out R. We have shared some experiences in previous posts, therefore I would never have thought you would take something I wrote so personally. My 'respectfully disagree' was exactly what it was - no hidden meaning. I DO respect you, and I do disagree with your opinion as it related to the subject. I am sorry if this offended you somehow. I would never want anyone to feel unsafe here as a result of something I said.
We are all trying to muddle through this pain together and I think Tinkergirl was very wise to remind us that we are all progressing at different rates and have had DIFFERENT DEGREES of experiences. I have mentioned before in older posts that some of you have had worse experiences than I. In my experience, I have been able to come to terms with unconditional love. Perhaps were I in your shoes, I would feel differently. My intent was not to assume that you should feel what I feel, only that it was POSSIBLE to arrive at this under certain circumstances.
Cinderella, just wondering- if you were to choose a canine likeness for me, what would it be? :lol:
Cinderella:
This post was very meaningful to me, and something that I wanted to share. Thank you for sharing.
I am sorry that things have escalated in a negative way, and I apologize for my part in any comments that may have offended. We are here to support each other and that is a positive thing.
rosencrantz:
http://www.bpd411.org/nonassessment.html
Maybe we need a new thread : How many buttons (for pressing) does it take to make a nonN.
I've got more than a few to share!
But, put another way : as on this thread, so in life...I have to put up with the most appalling s&*^ and then have to 'grin and bear it'. Find the humour, keep the healthy side up, find ways to be rational and honest.
It's just occurred to me that such an attitude is, in itself, patronising, controlling and false. Yuk!
Well, I think it's my turn to give back some of the s&*^ - I'm sick of being strong and 'containing' other people's reactions when I want to give them a great big smack back!!
But you can be sure that the first step I make outside what's expected of me and there's total outrage. Why doesn't anyone express total outrage on MY behalf! (That's not an invitation, just expressing what I feel!)
Now...trying to be a human being again...
Cinderella, I'm sorry that you felt I said things that squished tender feelings. It was not my intention and it hadn't even occurred to me that you had a 'hidden' intention 'to inspire all of us to call on our higher self'.
My views were sincerely and honestly, if passionately, expressed and were based on my personal experience. My view continues to be that you don't mess with an N and you don't get psychologically close - because they're dangerous. And if I'm a rotweiler, it's because I (misguidedly albeit because I'm always trying to rescue people) wished to protect you from your own niceness.
I would have preferred you to have expressed your feelings without sticking quite so many pins in me ;-) but I've had a good (horrible, actually) sob and learned a few more things...
R
rosencrantz:
I posted last night and then woke up with an additional perspective.
The comment about different people being at different levels of 'healing and dealing' was useful. For example, I can respond to CC in a way I wouldn't necessarily respond to someone else because, intuitively, I believe CC can meet me on that level. (And, just to prove it, we've had a quick kiss and make up behind the scenes!!)
Whereas Cinderella somehow got in between us and got caught in the crossfire without understanding we could handle it. (I've done that plenty of times myself as a child, drawing the flak away from my parents but had to learn as an adult not to keep trying to 'save' people who don't actually need saving)
This could be complete fantasy, but as I woke up this morning, I suddenly experienced CC and myself as parents with Cinderella expressing her pain of childhood faced with these parents. Somehow, the parent represented by me was always kicking over something which Cinderella was trying to build. And she hurts a lot... And perhaps if that parent was an Nparent, she never heard Cinderalla's hurt.
But, hey, Cinders, I hear you. Come and have a hug!!
You know, if we were over at Nic's ranch, I suspect there'd be a healing group cuddle right now...
I wrote both these posts before I saw your earlier reply, Cinderella, so perhaps it's all become irrelevant in between time but I thought I'd offer it anyway.
As for myself, I tried to read your original post without defences and recognised that I felt a great deal of hopelessness and pain. I would if I could, Cinderella, I would if I could. But my mother nearly destroyed 50 years of relative sanity (and my business, and my marriage) in just a few short weeks of empathy and unconditional love. I don't recommend it - but it doesn't make me less of a person.
In peace
R
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