loosing the layers of denial

[axa]

Yesterday was a really tough day for me.  I was overwhelmed with the realisation that I have been so used.  That my "relationship" was nothing other than a well thought out plan to extract services from me at no cost to XN.  I have known this for a while but somehow the TRUTH of it hit me like a truck. 

I had often wondered why XN had not had a relationship in the time he and Xwife split up and figured it out lately.  He needed a childminder because he had other plans for himself.  At no stage did he want a relationship.  He realised that D was growing up and he needed a constant supply and living with a woman, who could care for his D until she finished school, take care of his house/dog etc was what he needed.  He never had any interest in having a relationship it was all about fulfilling a function.  I was furious yesterday.  The whole thing was so calculated.  I am only beginning to see his "deviousness" now. 

I had wondered at times how he went back to xwife but it is so clear now.  We were interchangable.  It does not matter who is there as long as they fulfil the function.  Sam V talks about this but I am only now getting it. 

I also felt very angry about XN's D.  I see now that she is a chamelion.  She could be whatever you wanted her to be.  She took on the role of adoring D to me, full of hugs etc and when she had no longer any use for me dropped me like a hot potato.  I understand that this is the modeling that she has experienced and how she has seen her father live his life so I guess it should not be any surprise to me.  It's very sad though because there is goodness in her and she is an unwitting victim.  It really feels like I have been in the middle of a sick nightmare.

I think these waves of knowing can be very painful.  Is it that the layers of denial are falling away?  I really believe I met evil when I met him.  Thank God I freed myself and thank God that xwife was waiting for him to provide the supply he needs.

boy this is hard work

axa

[axa]

Ami,

I find it exhausting when I go through something like yesterday.  I just could not function yesterday afternoon, could barely drag myself off the sofa to make coffee.

Thank you for your kind words, it does help to not feel alone and know that others KNOW what this is like.

xxxxxxx

axa

[poetprose]

I always said If I do write a book about my upbringing, the title will deffently have the word "evil" in it somewhere,  to many people evil is still just a word .......  usually has a humorous tone to it ,   but once you have met evil face to face, it is like - how can you not educate people on it?

it is much more than a devil with a pitchfork, or a devil standing on your shoulder whispering in your ear......  it destroys peoples spirits and minds

[Hopalong]

Hi Axa,
About my exNbf (well, he's surely not an xN...) I wanted to tell you I had a very similar heartbreak plus horror reaction, when I figured out how calmly he used me.

Years later, both feelings are gone.

I really do not perceive him as evil, now, but I look at him just as I look at anyone who is too destructive to associate with.

For example, if I see a person on the street who is ranting and waving a machete with a wild look in his eyes while screaming epithets about women, I will scurry away. Looking back I might have compassion, but a frisson of fear. Looking back even later, the incident would be drained of emotion. I will remember it neutrally. Kind of like, "I lived in Pennsylvania for a couple of years."

I think this is the best outcome. I think we all can get there.

My D does not understand how neutrally I speak about her grandmother, these days. She can't fathom it and keeps prodding to see if I'm a victim. I think over time she's begun to believe that I'm really not in a state of agony over my mother's Nishness any more.

I can see this coming for you too Axa. But I am glad you got furious. That's an important stage.

hugs
Hops

[axa]

Poet,

I read Scott Peck's book The people of the Lie and he attributed evil to Ns.  I do believe they are evil.  I remember XN's cold cold eyes when he would "punish" me and that memory gives me the creeps.  I have often acted out in anger and been beside myself with hurt but the calmness and premeditated actions of XN send a shiver down my spine

Hops,

I know in time that I will feel nothing and look forward to that day.  I always thought of evil as out there, dictators, people I did not know etc.  My parents were Ns but one thing I do know about them is that they were not vindictive, XN was cold and calculating, witih my parents it was their lack of control over their emotions and a general selfishness.  XN was different, planning , plotting how to get at me, not a reaction necessarily to a perceived hurt.  It really was different.

With your D I think when you are hurting yourself it is difficult to understand someone moving on and letting go.  Seems like you guys are on a similiar journey but at different stages.

axa