For those of you who survived an N parent

[tayana]

Tayana:  I'm trying to get out.  I couldn't explain how convoluted and "IMPROBABLE" my circumstances have become.  Sometimes I think I may destroy myself in the single minded pursuit of that goal.  GETTING OUT.  My adrenal system is in overdrive right now.  One of those awful times where the danger of being overcome by fear is close. 

Lighter, I know just how you feel.  It's my first thought in the morning and the last thought before I go to bed.  I just want to get away, get out, run away.  I hate the feeling of being in hiding all the time around my nmom. 

Good news is, looks like something might be moving on the legal front.  Bad news is that it's a few weeks away.  I might have to hold off renting anything until then.  We'll see.  I tried another place today.

[lighter]

Well I certainly do believe you'll end up getting out.  Even if you have to wait another couple of weeks, you'll get there. 

I dread that chat with your parents for'ya too! 

At least you aren't freaking out when you find yourself standing in front of an open window at night.  Yes, that's something I do. 

[reallyME]

I am married to a man that my therapist says is an N.

Yesterday, I had to discipline my 8 year old.  She kept nagging me to go hiking with her and her sister, while I was on the phone.  I finally gave her a writing assignment, which, being the little drama queen that she can be, she belly-ached about all night (it was 8 sentences saying "When Mom is busy, I will wait quietly.")

She had a fit over it during dinner and my husband said "tell you what?  You can either do the writing or get 8 spankings."

Now, first of all, I don't see where MY discipline involved HIM in the first place.  Second of all, I am not a firm believer in corporal punishment.  Third, over my dead body will he EVER lay a hand on one of my children!  He was an abused child himself and he has no feelings to know when his swats are too hard or too many, NOR DOES HE CARE!

My response.  "I will NOT allow you to lay a hand on her."  Him:  "oh 8 swats with my hand won't kill her."  Me:  "this does not involve you.  I do not trust you with disciplining the children. PERIOD!"

That ended things for a few moments and then he began going on and on about how his father did it and it didn't hurt him...blah blah blah.  (his father also molested both his sisters, abused his brothers and possibly him)

I do NOT allow my husband to discipline the children.  I did when my eldest was young, and I have lived to regret that to this day!  AT one point, during a really hot day, he insisted we leave her in the car, when she was about maybe 4yrs old., so we could look at some yard sale things in a garage across a street.  She began screaming in the car cause it was so hot.  He walked across the street, yanked her out of the car, and slammed her up against the trunk and began pounding her.  I will NEVER forget that and it horrifies me when I think of it.  When I told my mother what happened, she told me "If I EVER hear that you let him lay a hand on those kids again, I WILL REPORT BOTH OF YOU AND YOU WILL LOSE THOSE GIRLS!"  From that day on, I NEVER let him deal with discipline, and to this day he throws it in my face when the girls do something he doesn't approve of.  He will say "SEE? You should have let me spank them when they were younger."

THere are times I have really pretty much HATED this man.  He has so many emotional, physical problems, that it would blow your minds!  I have given him over to God and I now work to take care of myself and my girls.

Thanks for listening.

~Laura

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  Today,reading your post was like a cool drink of water. I thought- here is a "sisters' who understands. I am so sorry for what you are going through,. I am going through a similar thing. I was sitting here feeling so terribly alone and abandoned . Then, I just happened to read your post.
  For me, I have felt alone for such a long time. I have felt alone having an N mother. My father told me that there was nothing wrong with her- that I was imagining it. I feel so alone in my marriage. I have an N husband and he has turned my younger son against me(the golden boy).
  I just feel such a despair. Is this how life is for everyone?. You invest in people and they betray you. You are all alone.It is pain ,pain and more pain. Is this just the definition of life.?
  I tried to survive an N mother. I tried to be really good to my kids. I got more and more afraid to go out of the house. Now, I am getting out little by little. My H trashes me because of this fear and tells other's that he has a terrible wife who won't do anything with him. Meanwhile, he abused me so much that I got more and more unable to get out of the house. It reminds me of my mother. They put you in the hole. then, when you are so far down, they complain that they hate you because of it. I just feel that I don;t have any family. Is this what life comes to after you try so hard to be good to other people- my M,H and my kids.?
  I tried to have a discussion with my H. He is "trashing" me to people that I know. I told him to stop doing it. He blamed ME for getting down on HIM.
 I should have known that it is totally stupid to try to get him to understand anything. It is as futile as my mother. I prayed about it a while back and got an answer.My answer was for me to do the best that I could, then if it was not good enough- let him walk away. He is always threatening me, anyway. So, I have my answer..
   The Bible says that 'there is no temptation taken man that is not common to all( close paraphrase).
 IOW, that we all go through the same thing. I would like to know if other's think that this is true for them.The worst thing that I do is think that other's do not go through the pain that I do and I feel so alone and hopeless.I think that I am judging myself by looking outside myself and this is getting me in to a a lot of trouble. Any opinions on any of this would be appreciated.     Love Ami
 

[Hopalong]

I think you're right that this is what you're doing, Ami:

I think that I am judging myself by looking outside myself

Nasty Ns gossip and trash...and the best healing is to stop caring.

If he maligns you, let him. Your work is to hold your head up, continue your own healing work, and when you encounter anyone he has said falsehoods to, just manage it in that present moment. (Which is not this one.)

It really doesn't matter what other people think of you. Even if they think false things they've been "fed" by this N.

Malice has a way of bubbling to the surface eventually. But you won't be around to witness your validation, necessarily, because you'll be too busy being happy and healthy and living a great new life with yourself and your new associates and friends (who've been validating you all along, because they got to know YOU--not "the other part of him".)

Hope that made sense, a little garbled!

hugs
Hops

[Ami]

Thanks Hops. That was a cyber space hug.                                   Love   Ami

[lighter]

I know my N is capable of terrible things.  It hurts my head to think about him having our children by himself during visitation.  I could control it pretty well when we were together but now?  I'm told that that's one of the prices I pay for leaving, when I go.  I'm very afraid for me and my children. 

I go in and out of that reality.  I don't really want it to be true and I can live with it for so long then have to think about something else and it fades only to return full force when I least expect it. 

I'm so sorry your oldest daughter went through that terrible day in the car then was assaulted by her father.  YOu and your mother stand up for the children now and that's a really good thing. 

[reallyME]

Such great and true comments!

I understand about how N's put you in a hole and then hate you for being in the hole...all too well.

Today, my husband informed me that he rode his bike to his mother's house. I said "did you trash me all day?" (yeah, I know I shouldn't have set myself up, but at that point, I just didn't care cause I knew he did already, but I wanted to hear him admit it).

His response was "no."  "we talked about how you are getting a new job and things like that."  pause pause pause.   Me:  "I'm sure she had some things to say."  Him:  "and I'm not sayin what she said cause it will just cause a fight."  Me:  "good, cause I don't CARE what she says.  My consolation is that all your cruel family will not be around much longer!"  (they are much older than I am and they live to make my life a living he** without remorse for it!)

Tonight, he made a comment to my 8 yr old and when she tried to respond to it, he yelled "BE!"  ( as in BE QUIET)  and I yelled at HIM for yelling at her.  I told him "you are not the ONLY one who gets to have a statement around here!  how could you SCARE her like that!"  him:  "I didn't scare her"  Me:  "yes you DID!  you screamed at her for commenting back to you.  him:  "Well I know she is going to go on and on and I want to hear the news!"
me:  "you NARCISSIST"  him: "that's right!"

UGH

[lighter]

Arg, Reallyme:

Crazy crazy world N's create and I feel for us/you and the children.  I'm still in shock over the fact that I made children with someone so void of empathy and emotion.  I want to escape my reality.  I HATE DEALING WITH THIS but I don't have any choices.  I've got to go and it's going to leave marks.  No way around it.   I'm going to escape in sleep now.  Must get up early anyway and get busy.  Nite

[Hopalong]

RM,
Poor little kid. "BE" must feel like "DO NOT BE!" when it's roared at you by a parent.
Mom defends her by attacking him, and then that escalates into a fight between Mom and Dad.

Poor kid. First she gets yelled at, then both her parents fight each other.
It must scare her and make her feel such pain.
 
Hops

[reallyME]

Hops,

Actually, no, it didn't escalate into a fight.  It ended up where my daughter heard me tell my husband (like a little child), that his behavior was NOT acceptable and that it scared her.  I validated her, not scared her.

[Hopalong]

Bravo, RM:

my daughter heard me tell my husband (like a little child), that his behavior was NOT acceptable and that it scared her.  I validated her, not scared her.

Sorry my imagination took it too far.

(((((RM, little RM daughter)))))

Hops

[Overcomer]

In my situation we did not even realize or understand that there was anything wrong.  We kids rebelled but we were labeled the defectives and so the psychological burden was placed on us.  I never realized that it was she who was Patient X in the whole scenario.  I think the way to deal with Ns Is to have zero tolerance for their stuff!

[Lupita]

As a child of an N parent, you grow up so confused! No idea on what is wrong and wright. When your mother says something and later says that she never said it, when your mother takes your things and says that you must have forgotten them somewhere else, when your mother takes things from your house and then tells you "Do you remember when you gave me this as a gift?"
You grow up so confused, you grow up so confused.
When your mother blames you of almost about everything that happens around the family, when your mother accuses you fo things you have never done, you grow up so confused, you grow up so confused.
You grow up blind and deaf, producing sounds not recognized by others because you do not how to produce the regular sounds that others normally produce.
You grow up so confused, you grow up so confused.

[lighter]

((((Lupita and Overcomer))))

Thanks for responding.