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Portia:
Hi Wildflower.

“You need to learn to delegate” – oh yeah, was a true biggie for me at work. But if your boss isn’t seeing you progressing (or doesn’t bother to ask you or look at the facts) then it’s obviously his problem. Projection happens so much at work, especially in the annual appraisal where you get criticised for doing something you know you don’t do, but you know your boss does (and his boss criticizes him for doing it). Sick. Turn it back if you can, provide the proof and then tell him you’ll manage your own work, if that’s okay.


--- Quote ---And all I could think was, gosh, is everyone ignoring me?  I thought it was just a communication thing between me and R, but now I want to go back and read all my posts to find out if I’ve been ignored. Have I been doing this to my parents and that’s why they ignore me? After all this time, it’s really all my fault???    And I thought I had a handle on this “hurting people” thing, but if R’s bringing it up again and asking me whether or not I understand how to change the way I communicate – maybe I still don’t get it???
--- End quote ---

Okay my heart’s lurching at this point (empathy?) and even though you say you’re okay with it now, I’d like to validate from my perspective: How do I hear you communicating? Clearly, warmly, far less provocatively than me, with a human kindness that I lack (too interested in the ‘truth’, I will trample on raw nerves). And you are very aware of not upsetting other people! But hey, you look like you can stick up for yourself too. I admire that.

Yep, maybe it’s an ACON thing, maybe it’s down to style of writing, but that’s what I see.

I read you as intending good. That’s what I see so far – you could surprise me, but I will trust what I see and feel until I see and feel otherwise. Hope that’s reasonable. P

Portia:
Hi R.


--- Quote ---Hi Portia - I was thinking back to the 'little ladybird jumping up to be seen/heard, trying to get into the line of vision' and then hearing you offering the alternative of 'looking her straight in the eye'. That was the 'wow'. You were right in her line of vision - the ladybird had GONE!  

I had some other thoughts then thought...turn the spotlight off, willya!!!  
--- End quote ---


You’re right, Ladybird has gone. But shine your light on me any time, I don’t mind. And I’m not deflecting from Wildflower above! I just cannot stand a secret, or hinted at thoughts, so go on, tell me, for goodness sake, don’t keep me in suspenders. What were your thoughts? Train your beam this way if you want to – it ain’t often someone offers me unasked for thoughts and I crave feedback, especially the helpful, critical kind (ego-soothing/pumping feed not required). Whenever, and if you still want to. Curiously, P

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Portia ---I just cannot stand a secret, or hinted at thoughts, so go on, tell me, for goodness sake, don’t keep me in suspenders. What were your thoughts? Train your beam this way if you want to – it ain’t often someone offers me unasked for thoughts and I crave feedback, especially the helpful, critical kind (ego-soothing/pumping feed not required). Whenever, and if you still want to. Curiously, P
--- End quote ---


Yeah, go Rosencrantz, go on. She's beggin' for it, you little masochist you, Portia, oh darling, and suspenders too.  :) How did you know, I'm soooo embarrassed, you naughty girl. I always wondered why I liked you so much.

No, me first, get out of here, I was first, I'm next for the thumb-screws.

Portia's said she's up for it, R,  so I'll bring the popcorn and cheer on from the sidelines, like a roman cheering for the lion against the christian. I always felt for the poor old lion actually. Working under all that pressure. Guffaw Guffaw, snort snort, hee-haw, Oh my gosh, I went inter-species there for a mo!! What does that say, I'm a dumb jackasss. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.HIC-UP.

No seriously now girls, can I watch, pleeeeeeeeeeease. I won't butt in or make comment, I promise 8) (lying emoticon)

((((HIG x 2))))

CG

Anonymous:
PS

How the hell can I get any work done while you girls keep finding really cool things to get into. Hey Wildflower, whatchadoin' ? :D

CG

rosencrantz:
All I can say is 'I didn't mean any of that'!!  And I'm feeling sick with fear right now. I'm thinking to myself 'I said one little thing' and I've been here before and I'm struggling not to cry.  Back, zap, to childhood again.  And I feel people are having to protect you against me and I don't understand why.  And then I'm feeling everyone is going to believe I've been horrible to you, if they see other people needing to protect you (against me).

I'm not seeking for anyone to change anything or rescue me or point out the reality.  I'm just saying how I 'feel'.

So I'll come back to adulthood and say as simply as I can : I didn't say anything that was intended to hit a nerve or make you angry or defensive.  Sometimes I say this kind of thing and people are happy and feel I've been helpful.  Sometimes they aren't!  Sometimes they can't see what I meant.  And sometimes I'm just plain wrong!!!  But you know I go straight for the heart of things and I can't know it is about to hit a nerve until it happens!!!

What I said somehow unblocked a whole load of feelings but I'm beginning to learn this is not a good time to try to explore it without a parachute and they're out of stock at the parachute shop at the moment.  :wink:

But let me try to shake off my fears and upset and quivering back (yes, my back is quivering and I don't know why) and return here as close to 'strong, insightful R' as I can.  She's useful and truthful and honest.  

And if we've begun to be friends, then I won't leave you without a darned good try to help you see my perspective.  I've been where you are, and (I think) I'm sharing from slightly higher up the mountain.  Want a hand up??

But I'm talking in general, not applying every last jot to your experience and your reality.  I'm relating my experience to yours.

What I 'hear' in your story about work, which is the same as what I 'hear' in response to my post is that you heard a criticism when there wasn't one in the 'intention'.  And, because it coincidentally didn't happen to mention all the growth and progress and good things you'd done, you felt that it denied them.  But it didn't.  It just didn't happen to mention them.  Wherever you are on the stepping stones to professional or personal growth, there'll always be another one ahead and everyday people in everyday life will expect you to have the resilience to move on without considering childhood needs.

It is the most painful thing to have to get to grips with.  And it's part of the reason why I'll never, ever work for anyone else again!!!!!!!!!  Because, so far, I haven't developed that resilience.  Crushed again, so easily crushed, wiped out completely, devastated, finished, gone, lost and probably forgotten.  And humiliated by my own reaction and feelings.  But it's the 'being crushed' that I need to work on - my boss isn't a bad lot cos he wasn't psychic enough to protect my tender feelings, much as I might like him to!!!  (Now my therapist was another kettle of fish altogether and I SHOULD have expected better from him!!)

Anyway, I'm too proud!  I could have stayed in 'tendersville' becoming a teacher or counsellor or some other form of nanny.  I escaped into the big bad world precisely in order to 'get the rough edges knocked off me'.  And, although I care, I also believe it would be arrogant of me to hold back on the truth as I see it.  I'm just not quite resilient enough to carry it off without pain and guilt and shame - because I'm still the child thinking that the truth just destroyed my mother.

But Wildflower, look, I'm on a sunny ledge here, half way up the mountain.  Come and join me do.

Work is like family.  I spent two years studying a higher degree about all this and was astounded at what I discovered.  Look - managers are parents.  Except they're not!!!  We want from them the care we never got from our parents.  The people who work for us are our parents, too.  Except they think WE are THEIR parents.  It's a wonder any work ever gets done.  And colleagues are siblings.  As an 'only one' I could never understand the relationships people had, the backbiting and in-fighting.  I was such a pushover, so bewildered but then relieved when I finally started to realise what 'politics' was all about!!!

True growth is when it doesn't matter a fig if the other person is an N or not!  Because we are who we are and nobody else can take that away from us.  And our feelings are OURS, contained, not theirs to mess with!

But just as you are learning to let you mother stand on her own two feet (so you can become your own woman and live your own life), so you ARE already learning to delegate to your staff.  But you may not need to protect either your staff, or the people here, or your mother to the extent that you think you do - even when they say they are intimidated or scared by what might be coming their way.  

Delegation doesn't mean 'dumping stuff on people', it means holding their hand along the way, constant monitoring (ie enabling staff to talk to you and feel free to express what they are worried about, then ask them questions so they can find their own solution in their own way).  So you can let go and not fear what will happen 'to' them or 'for' them.  Yes???  Otherwise you're telling them that they are not strong enough and they'll remain dependent on you. (That's an example of good parenting, too.)

Well, I don't know how much of that applies to you, how much is old news, but it ALL applies to me and was ALL amazing NEW news once.  Perhaps there's stuff in there that makes sense to you.

Perhaps I see me in contrast to what you describe and wonder why I'm not being more 'careful' about other people's tender feelings.  Well, partly because I worked out a long time ago that if I do that I'm being their therapist/parent.  And that's not right or healthy for anybody.  I'd be making decisions on their behalf.  I'd be holding the power in my own hands in some way.  Partly because I know that feelings are the responsibility of their owner.  And what I have more recently realised is that I can't possibly know everybody's sensitivies as I go through life at a normal pace - and I can't know any individual's particular sensitivities unless we are in a particularly close and intimate relationship. So I'd be setting myself up for failure and an impossible task or voicelessness (!) if I did otherwise.  And if I fudge it, well, I'm just hiding what I really mean to save myself from rejection.

 :wink: As far as I know, we're both on the same page (unless we've just filled this one up - that would be ironic!  :lol: ).  And I'm not going anywhere 'without you' (not off in a huff or round the bend or down in a heap) unless or until you tell me go away because you can't stand another moment of hearing me go on about myself, my thoughts, my needs, my hopes, my news, my ideas, my 'aha' moments, and hoping you'll get something out of it and discovering that, on every occasion, I'm learning too.

That's all I am.  That's all I've got.  That's all I mean..  We're all just as 'lost' as each other.  And I haven't got the faintest idea whether there's anything 'real' about anything I say except when somebody else says 'YES'.  I live for that moment of connection.  It's OK if I 'miss' but I cry inside every time I do, even while keeping my distance like adults 'should'.

But there, I'm also learning that when things go wrong, I respond by opening myself up more and more and more.  And that isn't always the solution, either.  I'm still learning.  Now I'm just going off to have an anxiety attack while you decide what to do with all this.  :wink:

In sincerity,
R

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