Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
healing
Wildflower:
Hi R,
I'm really not trying to upset you, and I'm really sorry if you're shaking because of what I said (I'm shaking a little bit, too, okay?) If I knew of a way to express how I feel right now without bringing your world crashing down, I would. You know that, right? And if you read Portia's and Guest's responses, you'll see that they're supporting you, not protecting me, so don't worry that everyone thinks I've made you look bad. I'm the bad guy here.
But I really feel the need to express my side, okay? And I really feel as though I'm not being heard right now, but that's okay, isn't it? I'm not so childish that I think everyone has to know exactly what's going on inside my head. But I want to give it one more shot. Maybe ask you questions instead of just explaining how I feel?
So, tough question:
--- Quote ---But Wildflower, look, I'm on a sunny ledge here, half way up the mountain. Come and join me do.
--- End quote ---
Has it occurred to you that we're all sitting here on this field - on the same level - with different 'keys'? With different areas of expertise? You're good at A, Portia's good at B, CG's good at C, I'm good at D? As of this morning, I now feel as though you think I'm just a child who doesn't get it, and the real reason you didn't listen to me is that you didn't think I had anything of value to add to our discussions (though I hear you saying that's changed - not trying to take that away from you).
And I also feel a bit frustrated because I'm telling you that I 'get' the bit about "I'm not trying to hurt you", but you're telling me I don't quite, but I will when I'm higher up the mountain?
Well, I really think that I 'get' it, R, and I'm defensive and protective about it right now. And insecure. I'm not saying "You should have known and I'm crying because you didn't." No. I'm saying, "Here. This is a big nerve. Please don't touch it until I've been allowed to grow some skin around it. Please let me have the success I've had so far. Please don't read this very paragraph and then tell me how it's symptomatic of how far I have to go. Even if that's how you feel, please keep that to yourself until I've got some skin around this issue, okay?" That's what I need right now, and I think that in this case, I really do know what's best for me.
As I've said to you before, I've never had a problem with what you say and having the spotlight on me. I'm not saying change. I'm not saying don't turn the spotlight on me. I'm saying, "Please hear me out on this one issue." And I'm saying, I like to be supportive, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that, is there? I mean, by wanting to be supportive and caring, does that mean to you that I'm weak and lower down the mountain? Do you think that's necessarily the result of being damaged, instead of something I've worked very hard to 'reclaim'?
Regarding the delegation issue, yes, it's been tough, but again. I told that story because it's something I feel I've got under my belt. When my boss said that to me, my feelings of insecurity occurred within a small amount of time, but I got over myself. I asked him to explain what he meant and where I needed to do more work. And I asked him if I'd been doing what he wanted me to do. And by doing that, I was able to hear WHY he was saying that, and I was able to explain my reasoning. He still does that on occasion about other issues (yesterday in fact), but I've learned that he's probably reacting to something I did/said, so I try to get to the bottom of it before letting my feelings go spinning out of control. Or maybe after my feelings have spun out of control and I've got them settled again. :wink:
So please hear me, R. I'm trying to tell you 1) I get it, 2) being supportive is important to me, 3) I'm feeling a bit talked down to at the moment, and 4) the delegation issue isn't really something I need help with right now. I'm open to talk about it and share it, though, as long as we're sitting together on this field, on the same level, as friends.
What I'm not saying is that you're wrong and change and you're doing terrible things. No. You really are great. You have great insight at times. You really, truly are helpful. And I've learned a lot by talking with you and reading your postings. And I'll continue to do so no matter how this issue resolves (as long as you don't want me to go away, that is).
Does this make any more sense?
Wildflower
Wildflower:
I'm removing the content of this post because I think this was coming more from hurt feelings than from a desire to be helpful. And I'm not entirely sure I was seeing things clearly as opposed to through my own issues.
So I realize this may have been read, and I apologize to those who read it. I'm not taking it down to hide, but in an apology and in hopes that we can move on.
Wildflower
rosencrantz:
I thought I would take some time to do what I said in an earlier post about 'integrity'. I thought I'd try to look at what happened here for me, before I came back in again so I'm writing this offline and posting before I read and get too frightened to think!! Sorry to be such a wet!!
I saw myself reply in the agony of the moment. Yes, it was 'agonising'. I replied with my heart open. As open as could be (not necessarily a mistake right here and now - but definitely a mistake generally in the world at large, and especially with my mother - Nina Evans applies) but it shows a pattern, a repeated pattern.
Now what was the point of having my heart open? So you could see what I 'intended'. Well, that should be OK but I'm not so sure that it helped you or me, truthfully, when perhaps both of us had experienced the pain of something clashing, some firework lit somewhere in our hearts, before one or both of us had touched down to our usual 'place in the sun' rather than 'place in the heat (of the moment)'.
But you see, I get an internal conflict here. I'd feel I was letting you down if I wasn't completely honest with you. It would be 'easy' to walk away. Shut down the computer. Literally walk away. Stay away for a couple of days. I didn't intend to 'forge relationships' here but, well, it happened and it doesn't seem right to just stay away when I feel like it any more.
I wanted to walk away a few days ago - not for any 'bad' reason but just because I'd had enough. I didn't know for how long. An hour, a day, a week, a month. But loyalty and obligation bring me back at least to explain - and once I'm here to 'explain' then I'm hooked back in again.
It's loyalty and obligation which also bring me back to my mother - but that's not a bad thing. Just for once, I'll not think there's something wrong with me! It's when the person I'm loyal to is (probably) bad for me that the problems start. But I don't think it's a bad thing to allow loyalty and 'obligation' bring me back in here when the apple cart has got upset. That's also why I will stay with my husband.
But perhaps there are better ways of 'staying in'. Of being more 'detached' as Portia says, stepping much further back than I did. Not right back. Just 'further' back. As I am already doing with my husband.
It's difficult to know what else I could have said differently. Let go, find 'humility' and play the empathy card perhaps. But I don't know what empathy to feel across the miles. I can only make assumptions. So then, why not 'just' share the feelings and thoughts I have as honestly as possible. The alternative is to say just nothing at all.
I think I've said before that I've no discrimination. It wasn't 'allowed' when I was a child. And so it's hard for me to do. Treat everybody the same, all or not at all. 'Context' is all. One is allowed to discern and discriminate and choose. I'm not sure I chose - I reacted. I'll try to remember that next time I'm riding down that bumpy track at 50mph. Perhaps I could just ask. 'If this is hurting, what do you want me to do that's different/to make it better?' :idea:
The other thing is about my use of the spotlight, zooming in on someone else to deflect from myself. I won't say that I don't. But what I will say is that I do it in order to say - "OK, enough of me, I've taken up a lot of time and attention. And now I must make reparation. Here is a gift.". But at that time and in that state (at the end of something that's 'all about me') I've noticed that I do it very poorly indeed, very inadequately, very clumsily. The last time I 'almost' did that, I chose not to after all. So I must be moving forward a little in this stormy sea of pain and change and confusion - no rudder, no map and a lifetime of bewildering relationships.
R
Wildflower - I did see the first sentence of your post above as I came in. And you're not the bad guy. I can't imagine CG or Portia wishing to suggest that for a minute. There are no bad guys here at all. And I guess in reassuring you, then I am reassuring me cos I then have to include me as well. We're all just struggling. All of us just the same. I just feel so agonisingly dreadful when someone is hurting - just as I think you do. We express it differently, live it differently. But I'll know next time that that is 'all' I am feeling and I'll look more closely next time and try to find a better way than 'agony'!!! :)
I'll come back later or tomorrow to read some more but I won't post straight away just because I was posting until 1.30am last night :roll: and I have two working days ahead of me, a day of preparation and a day doing something I've not done before. I'm sure I'll survive but I'm now stoking up some energy. Take care. I'm taking a deep breath now - woosh, off you go message - land the right way up and make everything better please. :lol:
R
Wildflower:
--- Quote ---Now what was the point of having my heart open? So you could see what I 'intended'. Well, that should be OK but I'm not so sure that it helped you or me, truthfully, when perhaps both of us had experienced the pain of something clashing, some firework lit somewhere in our hearts, before one or both of us had touched down to our usual 'place in the sun' rather than 'place in the heat (of the moment)'.
I think I've said before that I've no discrimination. It wasn't 'allowed' when I was a child. And so it's hard for me to do. Treat everybody the same, all or not at all.
The other thing is about my use of the spotlight, zooming in on someone else to deflect from myself. I won't say that I don't. But what I will say is that I do it in order to say - "OK, enough of me, I've taken up a lot of time and attention. And now I must make reparation. Here is a gift.".
--- End quote ---
Okay, R, I hear you. I’m sorry I got so upset, and I’m sorry that I upset you in the process. In the future, if you ever hit a nerve again (if you’re not too mad or upset to talk to me again, that is), I’ll try to do a better job of sending up flares before getting too upset.
Take care,
Wildflower
Anonymous:
--- Quote ---
--- Quote from: Wildflower ---Hi R,
I'm really not trying to upset you, and I'm really sorry if you're shaking because of what I said (I'm shaking a little bit, too, okay?) If I knew of a way to express how I feel right now without bringing your world crashing down, I would. You know that, right? And if you read Portia's and Guest's responses, you'll see that they're supporting you, not protecting me, so don't worry that everyone thinks I've made you look bad. I'm the bad guy here.
--- End quote ---
Hey baby, you're not speakin' for me are ya'. You're never the bad guy. :D No bad guys here. :D I admire you the way you've stood your ground, and :D maintained communication. No, you are in no way, ever a bad guys. The bad guys are out there in the big wide world somewhere, unfortunately, but none here, and particularly not on this thread. What do you reckon. :wink: I'm sorry my silence on this topic has made you feel that's what I think, cause I don't.
I just wanted to give you and Rosencrantz room without my interruption, I didn't feel I could add anything, and I'd probably just make light dumb jokes when you're trying to resolve something important. Like a saggy tit joke or something about testosterone and balls. Or Gosh!! Forbid!! Maybe bore everybody to death, go right off topic with a mother story.
So ((((HIG))), and sorry :) pleease
--- Quote ---I'm open to talk about it and share it, though, as long as we're sitting together on this field, on the same level, as friends.
What I'm not saying is that you're wrong and change and you're doing terrible things. No. You really are great. You have great insight at times. You really, truly are helpful. And I've learned a lot by talking with you and reading your postings. And I'll continue to do so no matter how this issue resolves (as long as you don't want me to go away, that is).
Does this make any more sense?
Wildflower
--- End quote ---
--- End quote ---
I think the last thing Rosencrantz would want is for you to go away. shock horror :shock:
OH MY GOSH. And I would absolutely positively desperately hate it.
No Wildflower toread or talk to. :shock: :shock: :shock:
Don't you dare.
I'm being assertive. hahhahahahaahahahaha
You get back here right now young miss. hahahahahahahahahah
No I'll stop now cause I'm serious now. I saw your last post and hope it's not hurting anymore, and it's all better now.
CG
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