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Wildflower:
You know...I was obsessed as a child with fixing things with my mother and that kept me from doing what I needed to do - which was to be out in the world, yes, recharging my batteries.  So weird to think about it that way, but it makes sense now.  And I see now how frustrated I was with failing so much with people and not having any support for figuring out how to be a better friend, a better person in society, a better me.

Now I'm obsessing about people I hurt in my past.  And I'm paranoid about hurting people in the present and future.  But I see people here being resilient in the face of what's been going on in the past few days.  And I feel how self-important it might be to think I could have such a big impact on the great survivors on this board.  Those people I hurt in the past are fine and doing well in life, I bet.  They were some good solid folks - what drew me to them in the first place.  And people forgive.  And they really just aren't as delicate (as much of a victim) as my mother is/was.

I made mistakes.  I was frustrated that I couldn't be a better person around my friends.  And there's one person in particular who haunts me.  I cherished him.  I hurt him pretty badly once, and while we were able to remain friends for a few years after that, we were never that close again.  I missed out on him like I missed out on my childhood.   :cry: But it's time to let him go.

Thanks again to everyone on this board who by being there with all your many voices have helped me make so many leaps in such a short time.

Wildflower

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Wildflower ---And, well, because this thread took me to a new place last night, and I’m still kinda reeling.  In a good way, but reeling.  Am I a nutbag, or what?  Pushing myself like this. :roll:  :D

These personality issues can be so overwhelming, though.  And bottomless…shifty ground…hard to stand on.  And you shoulda seen me when I was immersed in Continental philosophy!   :wink: Oooo boy.  Talk about thinking too much!!!  And I do mean immersed.   :roll:  :roll:  :roll:

Music can be very concrete (I love Tom Petty) but it can also be very telling (I love how free and down to earth and unpretentious and raw and knowing and unassuming he is).  So I’ve been amassing a silly little superficial list in my head of “who I am.”  I like Brussels Sprouts (not as much peas, incidentally).  Who likes Brussels Sprouts? :shock:   Me.  That’s who.  I love purple with a passion, and spring colors tempt me spend insane amounts of money (I don’t, though).  But…I used to wear black all the time??  Hunh.  Guess I never knew. :shock:  :D Maybe these things will change over time, but I know they're me now.  They're not a reaction to anyone else, and they're not imposed by anyone else.

So when I asked you about a book of Rosencrantz, I guess in a way I was asking you to list the bits of you that have been cropping up when pressed.  A little list to go back to for these times of vertigo.  There’s a you in there – don’t doubt it.    :) We’re physical beings and that, at the very least, means there’s something that makes us unique (MY body - not YOURS to wreak havoc with, stamp stamp stamp).  Even if it’s about who eats broccoli with peanut butter (not me, I swear).

Well, I guess that's a little more than a few thoughts, but once I get going...

With love and compassion,
Wildflower
--- End quote ---



No Wildflower, you're definitely not nuts, you're wonderful. I've come back to the dialogue between you and Rosencrantz. It has spirited me along to a place I've been trying to find. The quest for my signature and syle. Who I really am.

Am I game to be who I secretly suspect I am? I get glimpses of the real me at times. I hear my real voice sometimes, and then something or someone in the world frightens me and I hide the real me behind a shield and armour. It's a magnificent and intimidating suit and that's the me that the world sees. I'm invincible in battle!

But it's not the real me, it's my protective shell, my survival facade that I made as a kid and it's impenetrable and it's alive. I had to make it to hide behind or I'd have died from all the fighting, screaming, bashings and expectations. And now I've been wearing it for so long, it's become tight, uncomfortable, infact, it's beginning to constrict me. It's such a tough call because without it on I feel so naked and vulnerable.

I know in this suit I'm safe, that no-one can know me or touch me, and I can't know or touch anyone else. And that also makes me feel very lonely. I don't want to be seperated and hidden from the world forever. I think the time is coming soon when I'm going to have to take this suit off and pack it away. I'm so sad about this in some ways, because it's become so much a part of me and saved me so many times.  But if I keep hiding in it I'm afraid I'll never be able to get it off.


Thank you so much Wildflower and Rosencrantz,
this has been so encouraging and revealing for me.

PS. Wildflower, now who's the nutbag? :wink:

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: rosencrantz ---
You were darn right about that 'closure' business tho'.  I did feel desperately humilliated.  More - it was a terrible shock to wake up (literally!) to the fact that I was no longer in control. (I wasn't anyway, but still!). I think the ensuing guilt unhinged me slightly.  Maybe it was like having the door slammed shut between me (aged 2) and my mother!!! :shock: That'll teach me to behave myself.  Challenge her and you lose big time!!!   :twisted:

And I think two people got lumbered with anger of mine that should have been directed towards RG - cos they got in between him and you and inadvertently got in between me and him!  The point of the story was to get us to post appropriately again - from the heart - I can't imagine for a minute that his aim was for us to start looking after his feelings!!  

Oh, and someone said to me that my experience of the inexperienced therapist put her off 'talking therapy'.  Be careful out there but there are good guys around - my first was caring and careful and dealt with a completely voiceless person in a helpful way.  He sowed seeds and helped me make the transition from my mother - without him the consequences would have been dire.  And I see no reason not to trust RG.  


R
--- End quote ---



This is such good stuff, and the way you can knit things together.  :idea: The analysis and associations here go deep, huh? That story about the door being closed between you and your mother is so heartbreaking, but also gets some anger happening? I don't understand at all. All I know is it affects me somewhere deep. And the way you have and are making sense of all the above is so amazing to me.

Gosh memories are painful sometimes. But boy, the most freeing times I've had, and where I've learned the most, is when I've put in the effort. When I've refused to let myself off the hook, or let myself be too afraid to look at the past, or in the mirror. When I admit to what I see and open it up to scrutiny, (at the right time and in the right environment) so often the picture or memory changes for the better. Sometimes even taking on whole new reality and meaning. And then I'm set free.

Thanks Rosencrantz for showing me how to do that.

Guest

rosencrantz:

--- Quote ---Thanks Rosencrantz for showing me how to do that.
--- End quote ---


Boy, are YOU welcome!!!!!

Quite often I start a sentence and have no idea where it's leading but it has its own ending.   Subject, verb - kerpow! It leads somewhere amazing!!! But it must sound as tho I knew where I'm going when I started it.

WILDFLOWER - I've not been keeping up with you.  But you keep on going - you're doing great processing, too!!!!!  Thanks for explaining the R book - you're right.  I'll start today!!

You made me laugh so much when you described your mother on the other end of the phone.  I think your mother and Portia's mother should be put on the end of the same phone line.  I think they'd be happy for days just talking away.   :lol:  (OK on that, Portia?!)

I did start writing to you last night as you'd posted while I was still writing to CG but I had to give in to the exhaustion of the day. So this relates to what you wrote earlier - tho I think you've moved on quite a bit since then!!!

But you know, I see you suffering a lot and it puts me back into context.  
 
My stuff is about understanding what's 'out there'. And how people 'decide' who I am and how I can change what they decide.  I lack words for it all - I have only my N/F to experience it with.  I know deep down what I know and what I believe.  I'm just not very resilient if someone disputes the nose on my face!!! (as in 'it's as plain as...').  Everything comes cascading down in a welter of shame. And I have some other stuff about 'whose feelings am I feeling' simply because I connect so strongly with people and it's not something that is valued or even recognised in our everyday conversations!!
 
But I see you struggling with your very identity.  I don't know if it's different to what I'm doing but it feels different.  In my book we really can only discern by contrast.  Find some polar opposites in your life and rub up against them.  You'll find out who you are soon enough.  You sound like a little girl so lost.  And so down on yourself.  Go through it by all means, but sometimes you just have to chuck out the duff stuff and believe in yourself.  I believe in you.  You sound beautiful not ugly.  :-)  Resilient and strong.  And caring.  Not patronising.  

Watch out for the rescuing, tho - my mother trained me to be a rescuer like her (I am her, she is me) but I think yours trained you to take responsibility because she is irresponsible  :shock:  So let go of the guilt.  Really!  You have nothing to make reparation for.  Your existence does not damage others!!! Really!!!  ESPECIALLY not your mother!!!  (I'll just repeat all that to myself here!  :wink:  :)  )  (In the context of everything that has happened recently I want to apologise to you in case I've 'got you' all wrong but somehow I feel that insults our previous discussions so, with fingers crossed, I won't  :wink: )

[Just read your more recent post : ach - your mother isn't delicate.  She is NOT delicate.  She's irresponsible.  (mea culpa - it's only my opinion) Oh bother humility.  She's irresponsible FGS!!!!!  And I don't believe I'm hurting you if I say that!!  I'm hurting you far more if I don't!!! Irr-esp-ons-ible!]

I don't know how I managed to cause all that furore, all that damage,  all that pain, recently, when I spend all my time pussyfooting around worrying about hurting other people's feelings.  But then, I've got a suit, too.  Once hauled up I go crashing around like T Rex and it takes a long time to come down again.  (?)  Meanwhile there's a small, guilty child crying with shame behind it. Definitely a spiral of shame begetting shame.  

My H says we're like sweets/candy : I'm tough on the inside with a soft centre - he's soft on the outside but a really hard core.  If you push him too hard, he'll make you into a white spot.  Wow!  You disappear!  I wasn't allowed to do anything that 'mean' and self-respecting!!!!!  There are lots of things he'll do that my upbringing is horrified about but he's got far more self-respect than I have so I know who I'll listen to!!!  (Not everything, tho! We are each more grown up than the other in some ways and less well honed in others - so we keep learning from each other)

R

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