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healing
Wildflower:
Hi CG,
Once again, I admire your stance on not talking about friends behind their backs. I think that's a good quality - another one I've been working on over the years. I know what you mean, though, when it goes to far. Becomes a voice stifler, doesn't it? If you can't talk about how people are hurting you because it means talking about someone else, how can you get to the bottom of what's really going on? Of how you feel?
So that's great that you were able to talk to the mutual friend. :D :D I know that musta been hard (yes, I immediately saw the orphanage connection), but I'm glad you could do it and that you immediately felt better. Ahhhhh. Validation. Sanity restored.
For the record, it's okay to talk about friends here. I'll never tell :D. How could I? I don't know your friends. Besides...it's about thinking stuff out, right? Sounding it out?
It's so great that you were able to figure all that out so quickly, too. A day is fast, in my book. Gonna have to try to catch up to you! :D :D I've still got a week/two-week time lag going before I figure out what happened. :wink:
--- Quote ---I do, I get the picture so clearly, but my words aren't there yet. I know though, eactly what she was doing. It's like a commitment-phobic almost
--- End quote ---
I think it's called passive-aggressive behavior. My mom was passive as hell when she wanted to be - but she still managed to keep all the control. Maddening. Made me out to be the bad guy 100% of the time. Actually, I recently read that children of abuse or people in general who grow up unable to express themselves often find release in these passive-aggressive ways. They can't express their feelings openly, so that lash out in these subtle but destructive ways. That's my mom, I think. And it was me for a while, too. But the cycle ends here.
--- Quote ---Thinking back now, I don't think I consciously 'THOUGHT" things like love or hate words in my head about her. Maybe momentarily, occassionally. But I tend to think now that I wouldn't have been game. I remember she had me convinced she had eye's in the back of her head, she could see around corners, and that she could read minds. I felt a whole lot of fear if I thought negative things about her.
And I 'THINK' all those words which I was never game to think, just connected to my 'feelings' side. So I was very emotional and feeling and happy and smiling and funny, which meant also that I didn't draw attention to her foul parenting and I was safer behind this facade. I was safe, when she couldn't read my hatred, resentment, contempt and disgest at/with her. I really think my 'voice' didn't even make it to the thinking stage of my brain as a child. I don't know if I was ever game to think about her, and besides I was completely tuned in to survival.
--- End quote ---
This is so sad, CG. :cry: :cry: :cry: I'm sad for that little girl who wasn't allowed to even think. Who wasn't allowed to feel anything but bubbly feelings. If it makes you feel any better, I know what you mean. When my good dad left, I could still think, but ten years later, my brain was mush. No solid thoughts to be found, really - except in academics. Math. Mom was terrible in math, so I was allowed to go far in that subject. Still...it can be pretty abstract stuff. Not a lot of being down-to-earth involved.
But look at us now...talking to husbands and co-workers. Putting our thoughts down into words. How are you feeling in all this? How's your boy doing? What happened with that friend? Did you say anything to her?
Anyway...hope you're doin well floatin' around in your nice, safe higapigasauraurus pond.
(((HIGS)))
Wildflower
Anonymous:
Hi Wildflower,
--- Quote ---, I admire your stance on not talking about friends behind their backs. I think that's a good quality - another one I've been working on over the years.
--- End quote ---
Yes, and I think it is probably interpreted by my friends as some mature, noble, or even considerate act. But it was coming from my own fears and denial. It was/is a way of protecting myself from any self-conceived paranoid reactions of an unpleasant fall-out that maybe I wouldn't be able to control. So in the end it becomes a control issue I have, doesn't it????
Very interesting. :D :D And not very mature, is it?? hahahahha :D
Add to that, it's a case of even a fool can appear or seem intelligent if he keeps his mouth shut. So often fear of not being in control retards my advancement and growth. If I only ever do things I know we can control the outcome of, I'll end up living in a very little world, I think. And I'll end up dreaming a lot, but never achieving anything I want to.
"Thankyou folks. That sermon was bought to you today from 'The Church Of The Latitudinarians.' Tune in tomorrow to hear more on the topic of 'When you try to control others, the only person you really end up controlling is you."
hahahahahahahahahaaaaahahahahahhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaheeeeee
--- Quote ---I know what you mean, though, when it goes to far. Becomes a voice stifler, doesn't it? If you can't talk about how people are hurting you because it means talking about someone else, how can you get to the bottom of what's really going on? Of how you feel?
--- End quote ---
Precisely!! :D :D
--- Quote ---So that's great that you were able to talk to the mutual friend. :D :D I know that musta been hard
--- End quote ---
Yeah, it was, I was shaking and stammering, and red-faced in a way that almost I couldn't even believe!! :shock: :shock:
A funny contradiction here. I talked about it later with my husband and opened myself up for his observations. I asked him to be frank with me, (OOOHH, Frank, :D who's Frank hahahahah) and so we discussed how I'm not insecure at all addressing such issues in the workplace. I am quite bold and confident in the workplace. :D I guess that's because there are defined parameters and a certain amount of protection and whole bunch of rules that both sides have to abide by. So, I find I have no fear in that context, and over the years have had to deal with some pretty heavy issues. A for instance, a sexual harrassment issue a few years ago which led to the guy getting the sack. Anonymous threats were fed back to me, and strangely enough, they didn't frighten or silence me or keep from speaking up or make me stay at home. :D
My fear and anxiety only seems to apply in personal situations. :?
And you can see I don't seem to be suffering any particular anxiety here on this forum either. hahahahahaahahahah :D :D Take my last couple of posts to 'others'. hahahahahahahahahah. Just speakin' my mind quite comfortably, expressin' ma' suspicions. Nobody else has to agree with me so it really doesn't worry me what responses come back. I'ts taken on a kinda ???? context in my brain, this place. :D :D :D
I just mainly keep comin' back to talk to you, :D :D :D and Portia of course. Is that selfish of me??????? Gee, totallllly coooool, I'm learning to be selfish. :D :D :D :D :D hahahahahaha
--- Quote ---(For the record, it's okay to talk about friends here. I'll never tell :D.
--- End quote ---
hahahahahahahahaahahah. Thanks :D :D
--- Quote ---Besides...it's about thinking stuff out, right? Sounding it out?
--- End quote ---
It really is, other people can bring out things I could never have thought of. My friend didn't poo-poo me at all. Actually, she affirmed me, and mentioned a couple of other times she'd noticed our mutual friend say very hurtful things that she thought I hadn't noticed at the time. I had though. :cry: :cry: :cry: I'd just never said anything.
--- Quote ---It's so great that you were able to figure all that out so quickly, too. A day is fast, in my book. Gonna have to try to catch up to you! :D :D I've still got a week/two-week time lag going before I figure out what happened. :wink:
--- End quote ---
I'm sure I'll still have slow starts in the future too. hahahahah This is new to me.
--- Quote ---
--- Quote ---I do, I get the picture so clearly, but my words aren't there yet. I know though, eactly what she was doing. It's like a commitment-phobic almost
--- End quote ---
I think it's called passive-aggressive behavior. My mom was passive as hell when she wanted to be - but she still managed to keep all the control. Maddening. Made me out to be the bad guy 100% of the time. Actually, I recently read that children of abuse or people in general who grow up unable to express themselves often find release in these passive-aggressive ways. They can't express their feelings openly, so that lash out in these subtle but destructive ways. That's my mom, I think. And it was me for a while, too. But the cycle ends here.
--- End quote ---
Yeah, good on you. :D That's called 'taking responsibility' or 'rejecting the denial & blame mentality'. I love it. It's so so so so so, ooooooh, liberating. You know, your mum reminds me so much of a distracted person. Someone with a whole house full of half finished projects and hobbies. Someone lacking focus. Yes, I agree with the passive-aggressive, definitely. They are a strange creature, aren't they? They seem so, so, so, so, what
s the word???? They seem so lazy. It's really confusing. I was married to one of those for a while. It was bloody awful. So draining and dare I say, EMBARRASSING. :oops: He had such a failure mentality. WHoooa. Now, do you know what effect that had. It was expensive, exhausting, draining and infuriating. Frustrating, is just way too much of an understatement. And the put-downs he could create which would have me believing I was the problem were so well crafted. it's taken me years to dispel some of those myths. Yet, and I hesitiate to say this, because it's seems so contradictory, he is a really nice guy. But, the energy he would invest in his pet-projects and hobbies. And what a "Don't Touch" mentality. When I think back, I laugh. How can you live in the same house and not touch the record-player, or the records. Maddening!!!! :D :D I'd want to clear the table to set it for dinner, and couldn't cause his last 'hobby would be spread out all over it. I wasn't game to touch anything.
--- Quote ---
thinking stage of my brain as a child. I don't know if I was ever game to think about her, and besides I was completely tuned in to survival.
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---When my good dad left, I could still think, but ten years later, my brain was mush. No solid thoughts to be found, really - except in academics. Math. Mom was terrible in math, so I was allowed to go far in that subject. Still...it can be pretty abstract stuff. Not a lot of being down-to-earth involved.
But look at us now...talking to husbands and co-workers. Putting our thoughts down into words. How are you feeling in all this? How's your boy doing? What happened with that friend? Did you say anything to her?
--- End quote ---
Can you tell me what you meant when you said "Not a lot of being down-to-earth involved." Is this related to the protective layers or ambitions or something else?
My son (the one who was electrocuted you mean) is really really well. He just got his driver's license and bought a new car. Scarey stuff. Now he's got big re-paymnets hanging over his head each month. I don't agree with going into debt for depreciating assets, but oh well, what can I say. I remember how I was at his age. He wouldn't listen to his old mummy and buy a bomb first time round. :D :D :D No, a top of the line bright red ute with black interior.
I really don't care, so long as he drives carefully. ("Please drive carefully son" prayer going up and out now. That's what I really worry about. But I've found he's pretty responsible for his age, and usually listens to me. He's surprised me many times with sensitive, listening responses to my comments. So hopefully he's listened to me about not speeding
--- Quote ---Anyway...hope you're doin well floatin' around in your nice, safe higapigasauraurus pond.
--- End quote ---
Yeees :D Thankyou.
Hey, you said you were off to dance classes. How fantastic :D :D . I lack feet-beat. It's so bad. I love to dance, but I'm shocking and dreadfully uncoordinated. It's a comedy to watch :shock: I find I'm the same with aerobics to music. They have to put me at the back of the class, 'cause I throw everybody else off. I'm always about 3 beats behind everyone else. very confusing for the class. I've even managed to throw the instructor off acouple of times. She's avoided looking at me since then
since then. hahahahahahaahah
Take care outta der' amonk dem' english
((((3 BIG HIGS from a happy HIGAPIGASAUAURUS))))
Anonymous:
Hi Wildflower, me again, 2 posts in one day. Whoooah, haven't done that in a while on this thread. I've been behaving myself and staying out of people's hair. But can I say to you I was reading a thread today, and truly, the skin crawled on the back of my neck and I got goose-bumps. It freaked me out. Must be my paranoia. hahahahahah I won't say which one cause and I certainly wouldn't want to upset any princesses, but oh my gosh!!! It was freeeaakky. Personally, I don't think they're just out there :shock:. Scarey.
But anyway, that's gossip an it's not why I posted. I posted to try to give you a good web-site. This is one that Rosencrantz posted here ages ago about passsive-agressives. Fingers crossed and here goes.
http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html
Now I'll post this to you and try it to see if I got it right this time. hahahahahah, Not bloody likely, first time.
Just call me the 'Failed Web Page' poster.
CG
Anonymous:
PPS
Post, take 3.
and yes, Bingo, the web-page worked. :D Hip Hip Hooray.
(((((HIGS and double HIGS))))
Funny, I just knew I knew your mother. I think we were even married once, for a short time. :shock: :shock:
That must make me your ex-step-mother. hahahahahahahahahah.
CG
Portia:
Hiya CG and Wildflower. Love the image of floating in the pond. If it’s muddy and dirty, so much the better. Maybe I could come and wallow in it (no funny business though, well, alright, if you insist)? Thanks for your reply on the funny thread CG….I’m wondering how to tell you that I’m the testosterone-fuelled one in our house! Too much yin I’ve been told. So, oh yes, I got an email today (sent on 2 may but only just arrived with me in hotmail???) from a friend who’s been gone a while and I quote: “If you can, would you leave a message for CG sometime - ask her to check her alterego's private message box sometime. I'd appreciate that.” Now I’m not asking any questions or making any points or anything…..I’m just passing on something I got in email okay! (emoticon: hands palms upwards, beseeching, don’t shoot the messenger). And to the one who sent me the email….thank you….I passed the message on, good luck and you sound good! Excellent! I’m going now to go and try and buy myself some clothes – ha ha ha ha! Fanciful ideas of floaty summer dresses…will no doubt return with baggy size 20 cargo pants. V-e-r-y s-e-x-y.(not) P
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