Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
healing
Wildflower:
Hi Dawning,
--- Quote ---Good luck with that, P. You inspire me. I am still wearing the same two skirts and one pair of pants since last October. Yikes!!
Btw, I am just getting into this thread (the last page anyway)....alot going on here.
--- End quote ---
Welcome to the healing pond :D. It's a bit muddy and messy at times, but it's a nice hangout. :D
Clothes are tough, aren't they?? It's about finding our voice in clothing, hunh? (Good thing voicelessness here doesn't translate into...no clothes! :shock: :D )
I think Portia's right, too, that it's about spening money on US. Getting something I like - just because I like it. No other reason. No justification. No guilt. Getting something that makes ME happy. Even if it's not about money - doing something that's only for US.
Are you on lunch break yet? :D
((HIGS))
Wildflower
Wildflower:
CG, you’ve rubbed off on me. My fourth post in a row. :shock:
You know…it wasn’t just what mom said that upset me. It wasn’t just a last straw. I got into an argument with one of my closest friends today because his response to my reaction to my talk with mom yesterday was “That’s just the way she is.” I got more from him along the lines of telling me to let it go and move on. I want to, that’s my goal. I don’t want to be stuck here. But I’m afraid I have to go through this.
Then, after a while of talking it out with him, I realized that he was really balking at the idea of blaming my mom for anything because, in his eyes, she’s sick. It’s troubling to him to blame someone who’s sick. Well, I feel the same way. I get defensive about my uncle with schizophrenia. It upsets me when my mom says bad things about him. So I asked my friend if that’s how he felt and he said it was (look at me…I’m so used to being silenced that I assumed he was doing that to me, instead of having his own reactions to this yucky situation).
So then, trying to understand his point of view, I thought about my uncle and his daughter. I thought about how I'd respond to her if she came to me blaming my uncle and upset with him and talking about how hard it was to grow up with him. (We were very close when she was young, before he was diagnosed. She's eight years younger than me and I used to carry her around with me everywhere.) I know it must have been so incredibly hard for her, and even though I wouldn’t blame my uncle for his sickness, I’d understand, empathize, hear her side of the story. It would be okay for her to rage and blame and hate.
And then … I’m not so far removed from my cousin. Her uncle, my mother. My cousin and I…growing up with mentally ill parents. Her dad diagnosed and on medication (when he takes it). My mom on the brink, undiagnosed, on medication (self-prescribed). Somehow, mentally giving my cousin permission to rage against her father – even though he was sick and couldn’t help it – opened a valve for me. It finally gave me permission to rage. And to finally rage in the right direction. Not at friends, not at the world, not at myself – but at the situation I grew up in.
It sucked. It really happened. It happened to me. I survived. Survival cost me my voice. Rejoining life and my voice will cost me my false survival strategies.
Somebody send me to bed!!!
Wildflower
Anonymous:
--- Quote ---
--- Quote ---Can you tell me what you meant when you said "Not a lot of being down-to-earth involved." Is this related to the protective layers or ambitions or something else?
--- End quote ---
Yeah, I think this was related to the protective layers. Math (and some science) was abstract. True/False. The function resolved or it didn't. There was some funky cool stuff in higher math - even got as far as Chaos Theory! (Ironic? Never thought about it that way). But...no messy human stuff. No messy life stuff. Just functions. And answers. No passive-aggressive functions. No hostile variables. No shifting answers. It was an escape.
Yeah, there was some ambition there at times, but not too much. I was told I was good (and not living up to my potential of course), and there were times when I thought I might be a great mathematician some day. But then I got to college and with the help of a german professor, I discovered architecture and history and sociology. But you know what? I couldn't handle the open-endedness of those subjects for a long long time. And you know what else? I had MAJOR writer's block for years. I couldn't write. Now I look back and think, wow. That was some major voicelessness.
And while I'm rambling, would you believe that when I was in my first year of college, I told my mom as if it was the weirdest thing in the world,"People listen to me here." I wasn't being mean or hostile. I was really sharing it with her like, wow, isn't that bizarre? What's with people here? They listen...as if I actually have something to say. I so didn't get it, did I?
--- End quote ---
Hi Wildflower,
I want to talk, but I didn't want it to seem like I'd overlooked these things here that you said. You know you've got a good mind, don't you? Are you happy with the choices you've made so far? I've never asked how old you are because I guess from something you said once I assumed you're about 28 or 30. Is that right?
Has the Imposter Syndrome affected you? Caused you to reject certain paths that you would have flourished in? Just wondering, that's all? Or have you gone the way you dreamed of?
You don't have to answer any of these ???? of course. You know the rules. Take what you want/need and leave the rest. :D :D :D
Here's another one from me to you if and when you're up to it. It's so weird, I just knew that an image has been forming in my mind re your mum, and that she just so reminded me of someone. I'm so glad the web-page was helpful. Let's all say a big thanks to Rosencrantz. :D :D She's been bloody brilliant in contributing really helpful resources here.
So here's my thought. You know that list they had on P/A traits on that site. I was gonna say, why don't you single one or a couple, or hey, even the whole damn lot out. And then I was gonna ask you if you wanted to do a really specific vent on EACH ONE! :D Are you with me? You know, really let it RIP, and let it all out. :x And hey, you could even go into how you think that specific trait she directed towards you, has impacted on you.
Anyay, that was my wild and crazy idea for the day. I think it could be useful, or therapeutic. Especially seeing as it seems impossible that you can direct any of it at her in the flesh. Absolutely, ONLY if, and ONLY when you wanted to of course. And if you wanted to do it here, in this thread, hey, :D I'd love to hear it. :D Kinda like a victim impact statement, but with a cheer squad, and maybe even some good feedback. Come back to me on it if you want to do it, okay. But, no pressure.
((((HIGS from a happy floating HIGAPIGASAURAURUS))))
CG
1).
Wildflower:
Hi CG,
No one’s ever asked me to vent before. I kinda feel like crying, you know? I’m always afraid things will blow up if I vent. Buildings’ll fall down. People will get hurt.
I know some of these feelings are ugly. Bear with me. In a strange way, this thing I’m going through – whatever it is – is allowing me to accept some of the good things that happened with mom. Like going over to the bayou during a flood to see if the water rose up over the edges. :)
But a strange thing, can I share this with you? One of the things I loved most about moving to NYC was that people didn’t care if you were pissed off in the streets. Who noticed? As if you were the only one… :roll: So I vented my first year or so. I walked around pissed.
Funny story about that actually. A guy on the street actually ‘got me’ one day. He had about 5 stock questions he asked me every day on my way to work (me running late, hot summer, uncomfortable clothes, working with bankers…BAD MOOD CITY). He’d stop me and ask “Are you gonna smile for me today?” There were other variations of that, but that’s the one I remember most. Because he asked me one time too many. :lol: I growled back at him one day in response, “NnnnoooOOO!” - and immediately I realized what a b*tch I was being started laughing. He laughed with me, too. Or maybe at me. :wink: :lol:
Anyway, so, this morning….I’m still pissed off. But I’m letting it happen. I’m listening to my music on my way to work: Garbage. Blasting. I’m angry. I can’t remember the last time I was this angry. I don’t care what people think. But get this…on my way into my office building, I say my happy good mornings to everyone like every other day – and I mean it. I’m angry, but I’m not taking it out on anybody. :shock: I can be angry without my world coming to an end. Does that sound pathetic? That I didn’t understand that until now? That I can be angry and still be nice to people around me who don’t have anything to do with why I’m angry?
Should I stop? Is this too personal? Am I making people uncomfortable or do you wish I’d just keep all this to myself instead of filling up board space with my brain farts?
--- Quote ---Has the Imposter Syndrome affected you? Caused you to reject certain paths that you would have flourished in? Just wondering, that's all? Or have you gone the way you dreamed of?
--- End quote ---
The answer to that is complicated, I think. I’ve been thinking about the Imposter Syndrome a lot lately, but I think there are some weird twisted ideas I have about being … smart. My parents hid behind it. And being intelligent never did anything to make my dad a nice person, did it? So I really don’t value my intelligence, and people who talk about being smart and privileged make me really uncomfortable. It’s over-rated, in my book. I’d much rather hang out with people who are kind and real and wise. Who cares what books you’ve read or what theorems you know? So is this part of the Imposter Syndrome? Devaluing something I have? Devaluing something because it doesn’t get me where I want to go? I’m losing ground here…babbling, I think.
--- Quote ---So here's my thought. You know that list they had on P/A traits on that site. I was gonna say, why don't you single one or a couple, or hey, even the whole damn lot out. And then I was gonna ask you if you wanted to do a really specific vent on EACH ONE!
--- End quote ---
That’s such a great idea, CG. Thanks. I started a little this morning. It’s about getting the details down isn’t it? I need to do that. The more I do that, the more real all this seems.
And if you’re out there reading, R, thanks for everything you’ve given this board and all the people you’ve helped during your healing process. It’s a lot. I hope you know that. :D
((((((((heartfelt HIGS))))))))) from a venting Wildflower
P.S. – Good guess on my age, CG. Yeah, I’m 31, though I forget all the time. Good thing I remember what year I was born :roll: :wink:
Wildflower:
Hi CG,
--- Quote ---I want to talk, but I didn't want it to seem like I'd overlooked these things here that you said.
--- End quote ---
Do re meeeeeee....
Me me me me meeeeeeeee...
Me me me me meeeeeeeee...
I've been having a bit a bit of a me fest here, hunh? :oops: Sorry about that. I think my ears are working if you wanna talk about...not me :D. I have some comments/questions about your Sunday post, so I'm comin' back. Just wanted to say talk away...don't worry about adressing all my blabbering. Blubbering. Bloobering. :D
(((MUDDY HIGS)))
Wildflower
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version