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Wildflower:
Hi CG,


--- Quote ---My friend didn't poo-poo me at all. Actually, she affirmed me, and mentioned a couple of other times she'd noticed our mutual friend say very hurtful things that she thought I hadn't noticed at the time. I had though.    I'd just never said anything.
--- End quote ---


So do you trust this friend more now?  I think it’s so great that not only did she validate your experience, she even volunteered more examples to validate you.  Do you see yourself confiding in her in the future if things get sticky?  And about that friend who hurts you, how are you going to deal with her?  Do you have any ideas?


--- Quote ---A funny contradiction here. I talked about it later with my husband and opened myself up for his observations. I asked him to be frank with me, (OOOHH, Frank,  who's Frank hahahahah) and so we discussed how I'm not insecure at all addressing such issues in the workplace. I am quite bold and confident in the workplace.  I guess that's because there are defined parameters and a certain amount of protection and whole bunch of rules that both sides have to abide by. So, I find I have no fear in that context, and over the years have had to deal with some pretty heavy issues. A for instance, a sexual harrassment issue a few years ago which led to the guy getting the sack. Anonymous threats were fed back to me, and strangely enough, they didn't frighten or silence me or keep from speaking up or make me stay at home.  
--- End quote ---


This makes complete sense to me.  For the longest time I’ve kept very, VERY distinct boundaries between work and home.  I rarely socialize with people from the office (my last job was an exception), and I’m very professional (when I’m not a wreck from dealing with family stuff, that is).  I’ve started loosening up those boundaries lately, but yeah.  I can see how you might be a different person in the workplace.  I’m sorry about the sexual harassment issue stuff.  That musta been such a pain.  I think there are times when I could have raised sexual harassment issues but didn’t because I wasn’t confident enough in myself.  I really do appreciate men, and I love the ways in which they’re different from women, but the brutish stuff…I could leave it, ya know?


--- Quote ---And you can see I don't seem to be suffering any particular anxiety here on this forum either. hahahahahaahahahah   Take my last couple of posts to 'others'.
--- End quote ---


You know, it took me a while to figure out why you were so upset with visitor, but then I remembered you yelling out to your mom (here) that not all men are bad.  I take it she told you they were a lot?  Did she say it all the time, or was it more like the way she treated them?  Or both?


--- Quote ---He had such a failure mentality. WHoooa. Now, do you know what effect that had. It was expensive, exhausting, draining and infuriating. Frustrating, is just way too much of an understatement. And the put-downs he could create which would have me believing I was the problem were so well crafted. it's taken me years to dispel some of those myths. Yet, and I hesitiate to say this, because it's seems so contradictory, he is a really nice guy. But, the energy he would invest in his pet-projects and hobbies. And what a "Don't Touch" mentality. When I think back, I laugh. How can you live in the same house and not touch the record-player, or the records. Maddening!!!!
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Now that I’ve got my head screwed on straight and I’m not milking this anger thing (like getting puss out of a wound…gross, but do you get the idea?), I can finally say, wow.  Your ex sounds soooooo much like my mom.  The record player bit is so funny, but I know it’s true.  I wasn’t allowed to finish any drinks in the fridge.  I couldn’t have the last of the milk or soda or tea or anything.  It was only recently that I realized how weird that is.  She had to have the last of everything??  I’m also assuming that another post a while back was yours – one that goes into more detail about his passive-aggressive side regarding your children and how you had to get your kids to safety.  That’s such a sad story, CG.  I’m so sorry you had to go through all that alone.

And yeah, I can see you appreciating his good qualities – especially now that he’s gotten better and gotten help.  That’s great.  Do your kids still keep in touch with him?


--- Quote ---My son (the one who was electrocuted you mean) is really really well. He just got his driver's license and bought a new car. Scarey stuff. Now he's got big re-paymnets hanging over his head each month. I don't agree with going into debt for depreciating assets, but oh well, what can I say. I remember how I was at his age. He wouldn't listen to his old mummy and buy a bomb first time round.    No, a top of the line bright red ute with black interior.
I really don't care, so long as he drives carefully.
--- End quote ---


New red car :roll: :D.  Boys :D.  Is he a good (i.e. confident) driver?  I’ll put up a few prayers for him as well.  So glad he’s doing really well after the electrocution.  And hey, I guess it could be a good story for the girls though ;) :D.


--- Quote ---They have to put me at the back of the class, 'cause I throw everybody else off. I'm always about 3 beats behind everyone else. very confusing for the class. I've even managed to throw the instructor off acouple of times. She's avoided looking at me since then
since then. Hahahahahahaahah
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That’s hilarious, CG.  :D   I don’t know how anyone learns those aerobic moves.  They’re so fast and complicated!  At least in dance class they break it down for you – and teach you over and over.  And besides (mischievous grin emoticon), bellydance ain’t about the feets :D.  To me, it’s about being a woman in a sensual, beautiful way.  Okay, and in a funny how-the-hell-do-you-expect-my-body-to-do-that way :lol:.

Float float float….splash splash….
(((((((BIG HIGS))))))) (from a free wildflower….tonight anyway :D :D :D)


P.S. - I hope my angry posts never came across as angry with you or anyone here.  I'm sorry if they did.  I was just speaking from an angry - and strangely clear - place.  Anyway...just want you to know...

Anonymous:
Hi Wildflower,

Belly dancing, how totally cool.  :D  I'd never be able to master that! My head would fall off.

I'm so glad you started a vent list re the P/A stuff, a victim impact statement of sorts. That's really what I wanted to talk to you about. To see if you wanted to do it. And to see if I could help in anyway, having lived with someone like that in adult-to-adult relationship. (hahaha, adult-to-adult, a bit of a joke there). But also how I observed it impacted on my kids. That would be interesting.

Yes, that visitor did annoy me, more so than make me mad. And a couple of those responses I found ignorant and annoying too. Oh how totally arrogant of me to say that. Coooool. :D  hahahahahahaha

I get so frustrated though with people who want to tell me how to think. And how to translate an "I love you". Come on!!!!! Funny, I thought I said some pretty nice things in that post, about men in particular. That didn't get recognised, noticed or go down too well, did it? Apparently it was hate-filled. hahahahahaha.

Anyway, enough of that, sorry I've been slow in posting back to you, I didn't have time to do 2 earlier, and I felt I just had to shoot one off to Portia after I read her post. She's so sweet and I think missing R. Shit, I hope she doesn't read that, or she'll hunt me down and beat the shit out of me (hahahahaah) me for saying that. I meant to get back to you earlier but other things got lumped on me in the meantime. Sam old jazz, books books books. End of financial year fiasco!!

I meant to tell you, the most amazing thing happened the other day. I went down the back and saw a bright coloured bird under the clothes line. I walked over towards it and it didn't fly away. So I went closer and closer, got down on the ground and just sat near it and guess what? It walked over to me, so I put my arm out and it climbed on my hand and up my arm. It was a perfectly tame parakeet. The prettiest bird, and Indian ring-neck.

My friend (the tall one) found a picture of one on the web for me. I put up a sign at the local shop but no-one's rung yet. It is so so so friendly and tame and beautiful, so I got a little cage and keep him/her in there when I'm out, but when I'm home I take him/her out and let him wander and crap all over the house. Tom (the cat) doesn't bother it, I just say, "No Tom" and he walks away and leaves the bird alone. Surprise and delight. Anyway, I've decided to keep it. And however we whistle, he copies almost perfectly. Somebody must be missing him awfully.  

You know, I guessed you'd been giving the Imposter Syndrome some thought. It's a powerful contradiction of a complex isn't it? A very good thing to reject. I'm working on that one, and have got my husband in the act to pull me up when he hears me doing it. He loves it. He's finally been licensed to correct me on something. hahahahahahaha :D

And I loved the story of the guy who says stuff to you on your way to work. It's sort of a cool social act with unknown consequences, huh?

What I think is good is when we learn to direct our anger and frustration at those who anger and frustrate us, and not take it on innocent victims and bystanders in our lives. That's the whole shit aspect of P/A. It's all they do. They never deal with there anger in a timely or appropriate manner, so those closest at home cop it's weird perversions. After all, they have to pervert it to justify it, and for it to make sense to them. Do you get what I mean?

Let's take my ex for example, let's say his car wouldn't start. It would end up getting taken on me and the kids. he had to justify this in his pea-brain, so he'd find some small thing to go psycho about to us/at us. When what he was really angry at was himself and the car.

So now, I find I'm learning about this stuff too. Like if something makes me angry, do something about it, to it, for it. Contain it to the actual thing/person. Don't allow it to bubble over and make a mess everywhere else. Don't justify it. Don't exaggerate it. Deal with it, then leave it behind or alone or whatever.

Yeah, that visitor post is actually a very good example. I do find such bullshit nonsense, factually unsound, tedious, frustrating and boring. Nobody else had to agree with me. And I migght add, privately just between you and me, I was suspicious. So I decided to say so. I gfelt good after I did. And even after my comment drew some fire, I still felt good and decided I felt no need to resile from anything I said, or apologise. I thought "Go suck a lemon, cause that's what I really think." hahahahaahahah.  For me, and I'm doing it a lot more out here in my real life, it's having very positive outcomes, and I don't find myself stewing and wishing I had of said something, and getting so frustrated I take it on others.

So where does that lead me? I think your mum was taking out all her internalised, undealt with resentments and hostilities and repressions on you. Didn't want to deal with her problems and responsibilities. Avoided them. Blamed them. Kidded herself that she fulfilled them. Lived in a fantasy. But the risk here, now, for the children of such people is that as the recipient of such 'nurturing' they could have absorbed that 'style' without wanting to or even realising it, and then end up doing the same inlater in life. That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

So then, if we're brave enough, how can we determine
a) if we do it
b) when we are most likely to do it
c) who we usually do it with
d) how often we do it
e) how we do it

I can't think of any more questions to add to that list, but I'm sure there are plenty more

Now I know visitor is a real nonsense comparison in some ways. But what I'm saying is, by dealing or expressing ourselves even with little things as they come up, we get a chance to be corrected, express our opinions, and grow our brains, hearts and psyche's. And also we begin to learn about and appreciate our own personal style, character, nature, and preferences. That's wholesome and positive, don't you think, for someone who just plain was never allowed to be, or express.

Anyway, I have to attend some domestic matters now. Like I'd better get that washing into the machine before it jumps in itself. I hope we can continue on this P/A topic at your leisure.

(((HIGS)))

CG

Dawning:
Hi!  

CG, "how to translate I love you?" when coming from my mother and others I don't trust means that what they are saying is "I can't love anyone who can't love me back."  

P, how's the cooking going?  Didn't buy any clothes, huh?  I have found that I can do wonders with those two skirts and that one pair of pants.  

WF, dance, dance, dance!  

I feel the need to apologize because I know I am scratching the surface with what is all going on but, recently, I've had to get back onto my freelance work.  I realized the toll the last conversation with ma had on me.  All work was put aside.  But I found this board and I hope you don't leave it, Portia because I like hearing what you have to say.  In fact, I like hearing what everyone has to say.  

CG, your - may I say it? - *shoot from the hip* approach has inspired me.  I have spent the last few days on yahoo msg boards sounding out my own voice and getting into dialogue with others without being afraid that I will be criticized or ridiculed.

Anyhoo, still here.  

Love,
Dawning.

Portia:
Dawning, yes I love this thread too!


--- Quote ---I feel the need to apologize
--- End quote ---


we'll stop that feeling one way or another when it ain't necessary! I like your idea of trying out a voice on another board...tempting...but I'll end up an net-crack-head I just know it...anyway, must away. Enjoy your evening (what time is it anyway with you?)...P

Dawning:
Portia wrote:


--- Quote ---(what time is it anyway with you?)...
--- End quote ---


It's getting late.  I have suddenly realized how much pain I am carrying and that I need to call my therapist again.  But...but...but....isn't is nice when those whirling dervishes can be so devoted to their god that they join a monastery, and spin to commune with their god.  I would like to ask them what they do when they are not spinning.

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