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healing
Wildflower:
Hi Guest,
Wore myself out telling my story :shock: , but I was still thinking about your string and your letter to John.
--- Quote ---Your comment about writing John a letter. I've thought about that a trillion times. I could do that, but I have a huge reluctance. It's like a 'disrespect' thing for me. In my personal life I have this issue with keeping agreements, being at appointments on time etc. I'm never ever ever late. EVER. And if I make a promise, I always, always, ALWAYS keep it. Even if it kills me. Really. For some reason, promises to me are holy. Mine and other people's.
I'm very harsh on myself in this regard, and I guess because I've known about his promise to his family, (Mother knows what a stickler I am for keeping my promises, and insisting othr's keep theirs) maybe she made this up too? Hmmm, never thought of that before) I have to respect that. If John promised his wife that he'd have nothing to do with us again, then that makes me feel very awkward. That woman never hunted me down, and terrorised me, or emabrrassed me in front of my friends, like my mother did to her children.
--- End quote ---
First, I just want to say that I sooooooooo respect your insistence on keeping promises. I’m not very good at this, but this has been on my ‘bad habits’ list for a while – because I feel better when I keep my commitments, and by trying to do this, I’m forced to think about what I’m capable of doing, what my boundaries really are. It’s so great that you can do that.
But back to the letter. As I said above, maybe you don’t need to make contact with him again, but I keep thinking of these loopholes, I guess. Partly because I’m thinking of the letter more as something that would might feel good for you, but maybe the promises things would overwhelm any good feelings, I don’t know (though if your mom DID lie to you :evil: :evil: …..hmmm). You could leave it one-sided. Tell him he doesn’t have to break his promise and respond. Just tell him he was great and you appreciate what he did for you. But now I feel like I’m badgering you, which is not my intention.
About that string (love that image, btw). I’ve been playing with new idea lately. If you’re in the corner untangling a ball of colorful string, I’m in another corner trying to figure out whether it’s “Opposite Day” or not. I keep running head on into these mantras I used to use to beat myself up about not being a better person (“Why can’t I be x? Why can’t I do Y? Oh, I’ll never be good at Z”). Then one day one of them hit me (POW) smack in the forehead. What if I CAN be x? What if I’ve actually always WANTED to be X, and the fact that I keep beating myself up about it is actually my weirdo way of telling myself to do something I WANT to do. :shock: I had to convince myself that I didn’t want to do so many things when I was growing up (“Going to the mall is stupid. Cheerleaders are stupid.”). I had to do this so that I wouldn’t feel so bad about the fact that I wasn’t allowed to do these things (okay, maybe it wasn’t SO bad that I wasn’t allowed to be a cheerleader, you hopefully you get my point :D ). What I’m saying is, every time I hear this voice that sounds kind of negative at first, I wonder if today is Opposite Day and it’s really my weird way of saying “Please, please, can we do that today?” And suddenly things are just … easy. I’m not forcing myself to learn something new. I’m doing what, deep down, I really wanted to do in the first place. :shock: :D
Calling the funny farm on me, eh? Well, if you can be a hippo, can you have them put me in with the Dolphins, please?
Wildflower
P.S. - RG, I'm stopping for the night. No need to put any word restrictions on my account. Cutting myself off. Bye. :D
Peanut:
OMG. This is one of the best things I've ever read:
--- Quote ---In my mind I liken it to the world's biggest messiest bunch of different coloured string. My mother has put me over here in a corner with this huge messy bunch of string, and it's as big as a house. My job is I have to unravel it and sort all the colours into their groups, and join the different colours together, and it's gonna take forever. Am I going to spend the next 20 years doing, if it's going to be perfect? And in the end all I'm gonna have is a big ball of string to lug around, THAT'S NOT MINE! It's just her legacy to me. Yikes!!!!
How much of my kids lives or making friends or spending time with friends would I miss out on? How tired would I be all the time? Too tired to enjoy MY LIFE. I'd be be over there somewhere, tucked away in some corner of life, neglecting my own things, and spending my life STILL FOCUSSING ON HER CRAP & SORTING OUT HER CRAP!!!!! and that would just end making me mad and resentful. At her for manipulating me and me for being a sucker.
So I'm adjusting to this, "I'm not going to be able to put all the peices of my life back where I'd like them to be, but I can at least remember them, and know where they'd go." [/size]
--- End quote ---
Wow, Guest!
PS. After reading this whole thread; (and 'wow' to Wildflower and Rosen, (the it's not your job to be the person that she needs to need her = Right on!), too = I SOOO get what you guys are talking about...), I was wondering, Guest, why is it that you don't register; it's odd somehow, after everything I've read just in this thread alone, that you would want to remain anonymous for even one more minute.
Regards to all, Peanut
Anonymous:
Wow Wildflower, that story about your visit to your good dad's clearing out the clutter was amazing. "What a load off" experience. Can you imagine if you hadn't talked about any of that stuff at all to him? I wonder what that would have meant for your future perception of your own imagination.
And your good dad, what a lovely man, playing records with you. Then when you go and stay later, taking you skiing. Wow. And the swearing scenatio comparison. It's sad how we get programmed to expect certain flow-on reactions, like your dad. Something goes wrong, he swears and kicks the cat (you). And then someone else comes along and swears and just stops there, doesn't kick the cat. It's like "Hey rewind that scene. You didn't finish. I feel weird now." Other people aren't supposd to act differently to the way we are programmed to expect them to. Otherwise, we don't know what to do, and it's a bit of a jolt really and totally confusing.
It's a bit like learning the lines in a play. I've learned my lines to follow yours. But if you don't deliver the right line, the one I'm expecting, I'm stuffed and lost and confused. What a fabulous thing he showed you on that boat. That just because he had a problem he didn't feel the need or wasn't going to give you one too. You didn't get the blame. Isn't that good?
I know my memories of John may be exagerrated by my vivid imagination. Add to that the treatment I got from my mother being so gross, that it's possible that indifference would have seemed kind to me.
But regardless of how much my mind may have increased his kindness, there was still a good amount of kindness there to be thankful for. And I do appreciate it. And the same goes for that mother of mine. Regardless of how my imagination may have magnified her cruelty, she was completely and totally over the top in her cruelty to me and others.
And I shout to my mother in my head, "You're wrong mother, all men aren't bastards!"
And as for "Opposites Day" I think the equivalent might be, "Whatever I automatically think about trying something new, I should go the other way." I saw something like this on Seinfeld once. George had this revelation he shares excitedly with Jerry, "I've always made the wrong choices, so whatever I think from now on, I'm goin' the other way Jerry, go the other way!" That's probably not a bad philosophy sometimes for someone like me.
And hey, that ACON easter egg hunt line and detonating a few was so funny. The bomb squad, the therapist, funny stuff too. Thanks for the laugh.
By the way, why did your mum finish with your good dad? I forget if you've already said. Sorry. Did you understand why? Or did he finish with her?
And the ball of string thing came to me when I was reading some of Rosencrantz's recent posts. She's doing some really good work isn't she? And I have to admit I've been getting a lot out of it. I've also been getting a lot out of sharing with you too Wildflower. Thankyou both.
Oh no, I just gave you and Rosencrantz a compliment! :shock: Was I being genuine :?: or was I just saying it :?: . I always ask myself that nowdays. Funny and weird, this mind of mine sometimes.
Yes, I was being completely sincere and genuine, but I know I have to watch myself. I'm not disingenuous, but I am so extremely well trained in this, and can give an incredibly highly polished performance in the art of the "phoney compliment." I wonder if there is a demand for that skill anywhere.
Thanks Wildflower so so so much for sharing and reading,
Guest
rosencrantz:
Dear Wildflower - as soon as I search for the words, the feelings subside. How to express...
The post about the ACON Easter Egg Hunt. Thanks for sharing the fun. And the rest - submit it to a magazine - it's the most wonderful story - do you realise how wonderfully you expressed it and what wonderful things you expressed??? I always think that when we are at our most authentic, it comes out as poetry. It was a riveting read. I was spellbound!!!
Did you realise how centred you were, how much love was inside that story, how strong you were??? It just oozes strength, composure, 'womanhood', riches of the heart.
I just wonder (and yet I know) why you haven't been living in the same State/town as your 'other' family since that time??! :wink:
Take care
R
PS I meant it about the magazine!!!
Anonymous:
Here, Here, Rosencrantz. It was so warm, touching, and insightful, just like Wildflower herself. Whenever I watch my music DVD's and see Tom Petty perform I'll think of Wildflower and how much her sharing here has meant to me.
Thanks Wildflower
Guest
And Hi Peanuts, welcome aboard. I'm glad you got something out of the ball of string.
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