Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

Separating healthy and unhealthy motives (when it comes to talent)?

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Bella_French:
I don't know if anyone can relate, but have any of you ever gone through a  struggle to separate your love and passion for something (like playing an instrument, art, or another talent you might possess) from your desire to be praised and loved for it?

I've been feeling a bit down about this very thing lately. I almost feel angry at myself too, because I feel i should know better. And yet I am tied up in knots because I just went out bought a bunch of new music equipment to complete my home recording studio. I've been meaning to really focus on developing my skills in music production for a while, but its only lately that I've been in a good position to dedicate myself to it. And yet now that I'm `confronted' with the possibility, I feel very afraid and nervous, when I should be so happy!

Having read books like the `artist's way', I'm pretty sure that the root of these feelings is due to the stress of associating my hobbies with my self esteem, even my lovability as a person.   

How does one overcome this? I really don't know where to start. All I know is that somewhere deep inside me is a healthy love for self-expression, something that I've had since I was a child, that led to me being regarded as very talented by others. But somewhere along the way, it became more; it became my only source of love and goodwill from my mother. Now when I even think of painting a picture, or composing a song, I feel nothing but stress. I feel that every note and every brush stoke has to be perfect, and if it isn't then I am not worth anything at all.

I really want to change this, but I'm a bit lost. Can anyone offer any suggestions?

X

Ami:
Dear Bella French,
   You might get more responses if you post this in the first area  that is listed.
   I think that you are talking about defining yourself from outside sources. I am trying to build a self that is "mine". I want to define my dignity,values, and parameters.I have so many "bad" messages in my head from an N mother . They say that I have to be perfect down to every single thought or else I am worthless.
I am trying to "evict"her from my head. I feel that I am doing this. First, I am facing the truth about how it was with her. Then I am facing the damage inside of me from her. Now, I am just getting to "Who am I really?
   I have not known the answer to this since I was 14. However, I am rediscovering who it was that I was before I had to twist and turn in order to please her.
    I play the piano and guitar and stopped for a long time for many reasons. Now, when I start again, I want to use it to nurture myself. I need it and it sounds like you do too.
    Keep writing and sharing. You will find much wisdom here. Hugs to You   Ami
     

Bella_French:
Hugs back to you Ami! Its sounds like your mother was so overbearing! To invade a person right down to their very thoughts is so cruel. You are doing so well to have such self awareness and a desire to heal from that!

Its funny that you mentioned 14 as the time where you felt that you lost your connection to your own identity. I think it was around then for me too...maybe a bit earlier? But I do remember that 14 was the year that all my goals changed. I stopped studying art and music at school, to pursue more `esteemed' courses (in my mother's eyes). And my career goals became impossibly grand. I think I pretty much stopped enjoying my life, and I only lived for achieving accomplishments which my mother recognised. I wonder why it was 14 for both of us?

I think what I'm looking for right now are some solid steps to take which will faciliate my ability to perform (on my own terms, for my own reasons). I know that in the end, I  have to take action, like practicing and doing these things again. But right now my heart is not in it. I feel so much stress thinking about it.

I will start with trying to do what you suggested- like trying to better define my own values and parameters. I feel so disconnected from that; perhaps that means its a good place to start?

X thanks for your post!!

Bella_French:
Hi CB123! Thanks for putting some thought into this problem for me-it has really helped. I am already getting so much out of reading your posts! Between you, Ami, and Stormchild, I'm sure you could cure world insanity, if giving the power to do so. LOL. I actually believe that. Your way of seeing the world is so refreshingly deep and insightful.

Anyway, I had a bit of a breakthrough this morning. I don't know why it came now, and not earlier. I think it has something to do wth reading Richards essays, and then finding this forum. Something `shifted' for me and I am actually feeling excited!! I can't believe I feel this way again. Its been so long.

I know it sounds dumb in hindsight, but I think my main problem has been that I've been trying to create music in the wrong context. See, I was trained as a film maker and when I discovered that medium, I knew I had discovered the right medium for self expression for me. Its abstract, and yet also succinct. It can be anything you want it to be. The mix of music, vision, and story really gells with me; its not too abstract, and its not as direct as writing an essay or story. I didn't create my little films to win praise, but the combination of mediums came naturally to me and I was productive. I won awards for my work. It was embarrassing, but also a good feeling to know that my assessment of my work was supported by others.

I don't know why I pulled out `music' as the aspect of film making to focus apon. Maybe because the technology for producing music is more accessable?. I'm sure there are some other daft reasons behind this decision. But anyway, it hasn't worked for me. I seem much more motivated when I create music for vision, and vision for music. For some reason I need to be working with both, in symbiosis.

*SLAPS FORE-HEAD* Why couldn't I see this before?

PS. I am loving this forum:)



 

CB123:
I seem much more motivated when I create music for vision, and vision for music. For some reason I need to be working with both, in symbiosis.

Oh, I can see that, Bella.  That makes perfect sense. 

So, how are you going to solve your problem?  Do you have an idea for a film project so you have context for your music? 

CB

P.S. Welcome--I love the forum, too!

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