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On taking responsibility

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rosencrantz:
Talk about a Freudian slip - that was my father's initial!!!!!!!

When she dies?  Relief.  Escape.  Regret.  Tears.  Relief.  Safe at last.

Classically crazy.  Hmmm - well, that's why my head is where it is!!!!!  (Especially cos nobody else knows what she does!!!!!)

I don't much 'care' where I am at the moment.  If anybody doesn't like it, that's tough.  I've been seriously undermined by what's gone on here in the past few weeks.  I recognise that.  I'm writing furiously to try to work through it.  I don't mind that.  (Well, yes I do, actually!  I mind very much but that's where I am - what am I supposed to do - go get myself checked into the loony bin and ask them to take me away from all this.) I'm getting rational support and communication and I appreciate it.  (Actually a health farm wouldn't be a bad idea!!)  

If people want to make stupid jokes, it just shows how totally ignorant they are (in all senses of the word),  And cowards for hiding behind anonymity.  Too easy to take pot shots in hiding.  They wouldn't go anonymous if they were proud of what they were doing.

I've noticed a couple of times people come in to make jibes, taunt and cause damage then say thank you to others for lightening things up.  Sorry, I don't get it.  Are they saying they have no self-control and need other people to provide the control for them?  Sad bastards.  They spread mistrust by posting in one name and then revealing they have another name on the board.  No, can't get my head round that one either.  Was that you Portia?  No, of course it wasn't but it's the kind of mistrust it spreads.  Like muck.

And it happens just when things are settling down again.  There's nothing remotely amusing about getting at people when they have already been undermined.  Just shows their own weakness and cowardice.  Bullies are mean people who are just frightened underneath.  Just like my mother.

People are getting on with what they need to get on with.  Things were much lighter before people came in simply to cause damage.  Well, success for them, bully for them.  Some people got damaged.  That's the narcissistic way.  I guess the jibes are their way of expressing their guilt and shame cos they haven't grown up enough yet to handle it any other way.

R

clj_writes:
Dear R,
You mentioned you have been writing furiously and that made a light bulb go off in my head.  There's a introspective writing method that I've found invaluable in my personal journey and I'm thinking you might also like it.  It is called Proprioceptive Writing.  The idea is to get behind the meaning of the words and phrases you use by asking "What do I mean by?" as things come up during the writing.  You also use Baroque music and a candle to slow your heart rate and to stimulate your senses (i.e. the proprio).  The idea is to gain a deeper understanding of yourself as you explore what you write and what you mean by what you write.  At the end you ask four closing questions:
1. Thoughts heard but not written,
2. How do I feel now?,
3. What larger story is this part of?, and
4. Ideas for future writes.  
It is a powerful technique to say the least.

The book that describes the method is "Writing The Mind Alive" by Linda Metcalf and Toby Simon.  Here's the link (I used Dr. G's link from the reading list page):
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0345438582/richardgrossman/002-5937512-2280821

Take care :)

rosencrantz:
Thanks Christy - Interesting to hear of different styles.  Do you think I don't get behind the meaning of words already?  LOL Some people think I get TOO much meaning.  I find if I think/write fast that I am more honest as it doesn't let my mother's craziness in to undermine me.

But I process a lot of stuff as I write and pull it all in as I go along.  Those first three questions are just naturally in my head all the time.  And a few others.  Having said that, it takes me hours to actually work through the thoughts and feelings and get the words to say what I really mean.  Just as well hubby and son like each other's company.  :wink:  I don't emote all over them but they know I'm processing important stuff and support me.

With any luck this will be the last time and I'll finally have it all out in the open and get my foundations back in one piece.  I know just how badly damaged they were by that second therapist.  He did more damage than my mother ever did.  I was ready to be open and he just smashed into everything.  Created new wounds on top of old ones that are now easily re-opened by other people.  

I'd use the process you suggest if I were doing some creative writing or mulling something over.  I've got the Mozart/baroque music that's supposed to help you think better.  But this isn't time for mulling!   :wink: This is that Thunderbirds moment.  Dah de dah dah...
R

Portia:
R, the last 3 paras of your post above of 10:30 am: is that resignation or anger? I can’t tell. If it’s anger, can I please be Parker “Yes, m’Lady” to your Lady-Thunder-Bird?! If it’s calm truth-telling, good for you, sounds like the truth to me, my perceived truth anyway. I think you get well into the meaning of words…but it takes a sprinter to keep up! Phew, puff, puff…bye for today, worn out..P

rosencrantz:
Back again!!  Hmm - just re-read that post to Portia - I seem to have a new voice.   I've never said 'sad bastards' before in my life.  And yet there's a lot of them around!!!  I just never 'knew' before that people intended to hurt.  Maybe that's why I'm so short sighted - can't see, won't see. :roll: The Psychiatric Nurse said that she thought my mother was trying to hurt me. :shock: (Did I say nobody knows what my mother does?)

I feel exactly the same as you Portia about wanting someone to objectively say what's wrong with my mother so I can get on with my life instead of having to deal with the guilt and feelings of disloyalty for 'thinking' these thoughts about her.  

I'm starting not to care tho.  As I come to understand that some people just need to hurt other people consistently, day after day, year after year...it just doesn't matter any more.  

And as I come to understand that there's a continuum : I might tell you I'm angry, or I might give you a metaphorical quick kick on the shin - not nice but if I'm honest about it, it won't damage you.  It's the insidiousness of it all that does the harm.  This new word 'mean' - the meanness.  It's hard to see our own shadow.  So I accept that other people find it hard to see theirs, too.  But it's not an excuse.  We are all accountable.

I really came back in to talk about laughter - some people think it's funny and lightening things to take the piss out of other people.  Maybe they really do think that.   Maybe they don't realise how shallow it is.  I do realise they don't care how damaging it might be.   But I've experienced genuine laughter with other people on this board in the past day or so (and before that, too) - it's a laughter that comes from recognition and yes, intimacy, confidence in each other.  Warmth.  Frankly, I'll even use the word 'love'.  Laughter to treasure, hug to you, relish.  Wonderful word - 'relish', so close to 'flourish' and so to 'blossom'.

Sad bastards who find that difficult to handle well, what's that phrase.  "Whatever.  :roll:"  I'm not here to nanny you or even 'understand' you.  So what does it matter to you that I don't find you funny.   A long time ago I said that there's a difference between the victims of Ns who are searching for their voice and Ns who use their voice to silence others.  Now...I see you. I know you.
R

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