new theory on abused women

[Bella_French]

Hugs to you Hopalong!! Yes youa re right; It was draining to write, and to think about. But I felt happy and validated by the fact that you took an interest and read my story. Thankyou so much!

[JanetLG]

Bella,

Thanks for writing that. The 'draining nature' of how you felt does come through in what you wrote, but I hope you feel better for doing that. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. It sounds similar to what I went through. Sounds like you feel much better now, though, which is great.

It is weird that the 'setting up' of us in childhood to accept any old cr*ppy relationship, once our N parents have taken away all sense of worth from us, should make *us* feel guilty when it all goes wrong, years later.

I know what you mean about the impact of TV. We stopped having a TV in the house over a year ago, and, apart from having loads more time, now, it does make me feel better to not have that 'female imperfection' discourse rammed down my throat all the time. All the adverts for anti-wrinkle cream, the programmes where women have bimbo roles, or are killed by jealous boyfriends but the men get away with it, the stereotypical 'macho' police/criminal soaps...it's just so draining.  And children see this stuff and think it's REAL.

BTW, I think it's worrying that, having stopped paying our TV licence because we HAD NO TV, that we were visited by a TV Licensing Debt Collector, who couldn't (apparently) understand our insistence that we had no TV in the house, wanted no TV, and had other things to do with our time...he thought the only reason for not paying must be that our Direct Debit payment system must have gone wrong! Hmmm. Seems to me that TV is the Government's easiest way to indoctrinate the public into believing the current belief systems of society.

I'll stop ranting, now.

Janet

[Hopalong]

Great rant, Janet!
Couldn't agree more about TV, and that's a darkly funny anecdote about the license fellow having to visit...

OY.

Hops

[reallyME]

Such an interesting article...made me sit here and think about 2 circumstances...my husband and X lady

Why do I stay with husband?  I think because I chose to LOVE him, based on my beliefs and long-ago, need.  I was in a situation that did not feel good to me...mr "prince charming" was on a radio-dating show and I heard him talking about how he respects women and goes to church...and, well, I put my name on the "list" to meet him and, a month later we met, dated for 6 months, got engaged, and married 3 mos later.

There were warning signs way before the wedding day, but i talked myself out of paying attention to them.  At this point, the biggest red flag I can recall, was the way he would want to have me "all to himself" and tell me to spank my daughter for wanting to be with me.  He was extremely jealous of my relationship with my daughter (by another man), and he did everything he could to abuse and neglect her.  To this day, he pretty much SHUNS her and it caused her to seek that "father figure" in the wrong kinds of men.  She is living with a man right now who seems to be good to her from what I can tell, but, I know she still longs for that relationship with a "dad" and I feel like I BLEW it, by marrying someone who was pretending to be the father-figure she needed, but ROBBED her, emotionally.

Why I stay with him now, is that we have 2 young daughters, the 13 yr old who would resent me if I left, and the 8 yr old who would be devestated...are one of the reasons I stay.  My H is not a full-fledged N...he is more AVOIDANT than N.  Most of the time, it's more his STUPIDITY and not listening to what I say in the "real world" but rather, dissociating, that irritates me.  in other words...most of his behaviors, I am strong enough to deal with head-on.  I have a very bold personality and I don't tolerate meanness toward myself or my girls from him.  Another reason I stay is my belief system.  I am not sure what God's view is on divorce, but I believe "till death do us part" unless the situation is EXTREME and UNRELENTING as someone said in an earlier post.  For me, I have a voice and I USE it regularly.  He even has mentioned that he was considering going back to talk to a counselor and being evaluated.  I guess I stay because I still sense some HOPE in things...once I feel NO HOPE...I know ME...I will most likely be OUT the door.

Now, with X lady...I stayed because she seemed to LISTEN to me.  She was that "big sister" type who seemed to have things all "in order."  There was a measure of false-safety that I felt with her.  It was like being "taken care of" or "babysat" by an older sister.  I also stayed because I began feeling like I could not survive without her advice to me.  I believed that I NEEDED her in order to make a GODLY decision, since she taught me that God showed her my future and that I wasn't on the right path to attain God's best plan.  I felt like SHE was the only one who knew what was to become of me, so I had to stay close to her and keep talking to her, in order to not make a huge mistake with my life.

I DID get out eventually, from X.  She basically got sick of me exposing her behaviors to her face.  She used to be able to jab at me without me pointing out that I recognized that jab.  WHen I got on a medicine, I was able to see through her words to the motive behind them, and, being a "not-silent" type of person, I'd say things like "hey! I know what you meant by that and it was not very nice!"  I guess she started feeling like I was turning into a corrective human and she couldn't deal with that, cause it brought on something I think she feared more than God...GUILT!  She would have to feel "guilty" about insulting me, since I would acknowledge that I NOTICED it.  So, rather than constantly deal with someone who brought up GUILT in her, she devalued me and replaced me with other "friends" in her life.

That's how that one ended eventually.

Do I still feel feelings for her?  Yep.  WHy?  I am not always sure...but I think it's more that I miss the "familiar" even though it was BAD.  The human mind is a complicated thing and the spirit really can LINK you to people sometimes.  I am just more careful to be sure WHICH spirit is doing the linking these days, and setting boundaries of what I will NOT accept.

~RM

[Hopalong]

That is a really clear, cogent summary, RM...good job.
I feel I understand both relationships in your life better now.
And why you hang in with hubby.

You do have a powerful voice, and I'm glad you use it.

I can't imagine anybody keeping you down for long...

Are things easy up any, with hub's accident? I have
been wondering how you're coping.

love
Hops

[Bella_French]

Bella,

Thanks for writing that. The 'draining nature' of how you felt does come through in what you wrote, but I hope you feel better for doing that. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. It sounds similar to what I went through. Sounds like you feel much better now, though, which is great.

It is weird that the 'setting up' of us in childhood to accept any old cr*ppy relationship, once our N parents have taken away all sense of worth from us, should make *us* feel guilty when it all goes wrong, years later.

I know what you mean about the impact of TV. We stopped having a TV in the house over a year ago, and, apart from having loads more time, now, it does make me feel better to not have that 'female imperfection' discourse rammed down my throat all the time. All the adverts for anti-wrinkle cream, the programmes where women have bimbo roles, or are killed by jealous boyfriends but the men get away with it, the stereotypical 'macho' police/criminal soaps...it's just so draining.  And children see this stuff and think it's REAL.

BTW, I think it's worrying that, having stopped paying our TV licence because we HAD NO TV, that we were visited by a TV Licensing Debt Collector, who couldn't (apparently) understand our insistence that we had no TV in the house, wanted no TV, and had other things to do with our time...he thought the only reason for not paying must be that our Direct Debit payment system must have gone wrong! Hmmm. Seems to me that TV is the Government's easiest way to indoctrinate the public into believing the current belief systems of society.

I'll stop ranting, now.

Janet

LOL!! I don't think you're ranting, Janet:) I could talk about his all day with you and I really appreciate hearing your thoughts, so please don't stop. I hope that debt collector comes across more people like us. We can only hope that one day it doesn't seem so strange.

Enough studies have been done now which prove the negative effects of TV commercials on self esteem, and on relatonships between men and women. My partner was taught all about them in undergrad psychology (he was so outraged!). I feel so fortuneate to be blessed with a partner who shares my contenpt for TV commercials and brainwashing via TV. I wish someday that this valuable information would be taught in High schools, to everyone, not just Psychology students.






 

[Bella_French]

I really enjoyed reading your post ReallyMe; you are such an insightful person and its a joy to hear your perceptions of these two relationships.

I can totally relate to your feelings surrounding giving up a close friendship with someone you loved.  I have been through the same thing with my (ex) best friend of 12 years, and I can say that as much as I know that the decision was right, I still miss her to bits, and probably always will. I guess when it comes down to it, abusive or not, there are certain people with whom we shared meaningful parts of our lives, and when they are gone it leaves a big hole. It doesn't really matter what their faults were; its just that they were there, sharing our history, parts of our life that won't be repeated, and that can feel so valuable; so irreplacable.

I commend you for your courage and for facing the truth about your friend. It is so difficult to do the right thing sometimes, but at least you know it was for the best:) Hugs to you!

 

[JanetLG]

Bella,

I did some studying of the effects of TV in my Social Science Degree. It was part of a year's course on personal identity, popular culture and the sense of self. Really HARD when it's at such a theoretical level, but very interesting all the same. Apparently, people 'learn' how to 'read' the different genres of TV (such as soaps, weaterns, news programmes, etc) in a subconscious way, so that if, for instance, you turn on the TV, within a couple of seconds, you are able to tell WHAT KIND of programme it is, just by the visual clues. You don't have to watch it for ten minutes to figure it out. Try turning on the TV with the sound down, and see how long it takes! Camera angle differ, for instance, in soaps and news coverage. Soaps are very interesting, as the cameras focus on 'over the shoulder' camera shots a lot, so that the viewer can 'eavesdrop' on an argument (and it usually IS an argument, in a soap), and therefore feel that they are 'in on' the relationship being shown to them more.

I never knew before I studied it, but the Government (in the UK at least - probably in the US too) dictates to scriptwriters what storylines must be shown, to get particular ideas across. This works better, for instance, than ' Government warning films' which people (obviously) aren't going to take much notice of. Things like drugtakers being shopped by their friends, women who leave men being worse off (strange one, that), AIDS issues, etc.

Soaps also give people with no sense of 'community' a fictional world to feel part of - this is partly why, in staff rooms at lunchtime, people can often be heard 'discussing' whether or not someone should leave their boyfriend or whatever - you'd think they were talking about a real person, till you cotton on that this is a character from a soap! It's become a more common occurrence as people have become more separate from their extended families, since the 1970's.

Three per cent of people in the UK don't have a TV license. Of these, apparently half of them DO have a TV, but refuse to buy a license. So, 1.5% of the total households in the UK really don't have a TV. It costs £140 million to chase up non-payers (all 3% of them). It would be cheaper to bump up the cost of the license amongst the other 97% - but the fear factor of being caught and possibly going to prison for *6 MONTHS* is seen as the deterrent that makes the current system worthwhile. How on earth has a form of 'entertainment' (and I use the word loosely!) become so 'required'? You can stab somebody and get a lesser sentence than that!

It's a strange thing, that almost always, when I tell people that I don't watch TV *at all*, they invariably say ' I don't watch much either, hardly at all, really.' But when they elaborate, it's clear they watch at least 3 hours a day, often simply for background noise, or because they keep the TV on between two programmes that they *did* want to watch. Think how much else you can do when you don't face all your living room furniture towards a box in the corner!

Janet

[Ami]

Dear Janet,
   I watched one soap opera for 20 years- All my Children. I made myself give it up. It was like giving up an addiction. It was a feeling of community. The other day I watched it again. What really depressed me with it was that I would see the mothers would would protect the daughters. This was depressing.
   I have to tell you that I feel a great desire to start watching it again for the reason that it is a sense of community.
   This must be sick. This must mean that I am missing something in life.--probably that I am not living my own life because of fear.                                       Love  Ami

[JanetLG]

Ami,

I don't think it's sick, I just think it is better to be aware of why we do certain things. I used to watch 'Neighbours', and weaning myself off that took months! It was on during the half hour before the evening news (which I DID want to watch), but I only had to see the cliffhanger ending for one episode, by turning on the TV for the news a minute too early, and I'd be watching Neighbours the next day, to find out exactly what was going on.

Insidious stuff...

Janet

[axa]

I believe the Abuser is always envious of the Victim.  Here are some quotes which I find interesting and would welcome comments

The abuser attacks the vital element of the victim where they try and apprpriate the vitality they perceive.

Victims create envy because they are too open about their feelings.

Victims are compelled to give and the abuser to take what an ideal encounter.  Added to which, one refuses to take the balme while the other has a natural tendency to take it.

Victims must be up to the mark, they must know how to initially resiet and later to give in.

When a sincere person opens up to a suspicious one the latter usually gains the upper hand

The victims basic mistake lies in not suspecting or fully appreciating the violence of the non verbal messages.  She reads the messages too literally without translating what is actually said.

The victim is an interchangable object who happens to be there at the right time and makes the mistake of letting herself be seduced.  She is only of interest when she can be used.  She becomes an object of hate as soon as she tries to work her way free or has nothing left to give.

An abuser shows tremendous intuition about where the weaknesses lie, finding how best to hurt and wound.

The victim is neither a mosochist nor a depressive person, but the abuser will manipulate the depressed or masochistic tendency in her.

All of this makes perfect sense to me and I can relate to so much of it........... sign of relief to be free of it.

axa