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Anonymous:
You said he's a narcissist, so 'll take that as given.

Is he a sex addict too?

You said it's an affair, is he or you or both of you married?

Do you have other friends?

Does he have other friends?

Do you share the same friends?

Sunshine:
Answers to your questions:

No
I'm married, he's divorced
I have friends - but they are just friends.  
I don't know
No

What is your story?

pandora:
Hi,

My situation is different - I am the wife of a N who had affairs.  

From what I know, my H totally lied to the other women.  The first OW I found out about broke the physical affair off when she came to her senses.  They tried to remain "friends" or keep a "professional relationship" (she worked for him) but he could not respect her boundaries and kept pushing her for an inappropriate relationship. She finally cut him off and then his attitude toward her changed completely - his one-time perfect soulmate became "psychobitch".  He then spread misinformation about her among their mutual friends, and harassed her via telephone and email for several weeks.  She is quite afraid of him now.  

Since then he has moved on to at least one more inappropriate relationship.  He seems to try and pick women who are susceptible to his charm and lies, maybe going through some personal difficulties that make them more vulnerable at that time.  Maybe this was the case with you?  How do you know that your N is not stringing other women along, too?

You can't remain friends if he is truly N, and even if he isn't, if you want to keep your marriage, staying friends is a dangerous idea.  I am sure that you are at heart a good person, and that you were manipulated by him.  It sounds like he is just using you - why would you want to remain friends anyway?   You need to protect yourself!

Good luck.

Pandora

Sunshine:
Hi,Pandora-

Thanks for sharing.  I don't know if he is stringing others on, but I bet he is!  You are absolutley correct about why would I want to even have him in my life and yesterday I emailed him that I did not want us to have any further contact.

You are also correct in that I had met him when I was in a very vulnerable time in my life.  I was happy in my marriage and never ever wanted to have an affair, but it happened. Her persisted and kept on persisting.  I feel terribel for what I have done and wish I could turn back the clock and start over.

What do you stay w/your N husband?

Sunshine

pandora:
Sunshine,

I am not staying with him, I have begun divorce proceedings.  

I think that people should be forgiven and given another chance after an affair, but he never showed any remorse for the first, and I found out later that he was continuing to search out new "victims" - while lying with a straight face in marriage counseling.  Plus he blamed me for everything and was verbally and emotionally abusive.  I took my marriage vows seriously but he just went too far for anyone to tolerate.  

I really hope that you can refocus on your marriage and make it happier, if that is what you want.  You might want to consider counseling to help you deal with your feelings- feeling terrible or guilty is probably normal, but you don't want to beat yourself up over this - that won't help you or your marriage.  

You must be hurting so much!  Take care of yourself! And good job for insisting on no contact - that shows a lot of strength.


Pandora

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