Was I abused by family?

[blackbird]

I am 34 years old, a mother of two, a wife and a graduate of an ivy league law school, and I cannot figure out if I was *really* abused as a child or not.  I sure show a lot of the signs, but my family insists that I was loved and never abused and it is selfish and horrible of me to even suggest I was.  Let me tell you my story...yes, it will be long.

My mom and dad divorced when I was 2.  My mom says it was because my dad was having fainting spells and would not go to the doctor and she was scared he would drop me while fainting and I'd be injured, but I believe it was really due to the fact that my grandmother "recalled" her.  While working in therapy, my therapist told me she thought my family sounded a lot like a cult, and that cults often "recall" their members who have escaped and somehow compel them to return even to horrible, abusive situations - that is why I use that term.  Long story short, mom moved back in with grandma and aunt (who has never left home) and I was raised there.  My aunt even admitted to me she got up in court and lied to the judge and said my dad abused myself and my mom so he couldn't get unsupervised visits with me.  Why?  I have no idea, except for that she wanted me to belong only to the "family."  Well, I was always the "perfect little angel."  I was always told how beautiful I was, how gorgeous, the most gorgeous child in the world, even!  I could be in pageants, and should be if I weren't so shy.  It was always about my looks.  Well, I was a painfully shy kid, and was constantly made fun of in school.  My family made me wear my hair long (we are talking butt-grazing long) even when the style was short hair and wear impossibly weird clothes to school, stuff like white blouses with huge ruffles and lots of lace.  I just wanted to be normal, like the other kids, but I was dressed like a doll constantly.  For every occasion at school, even a play where everyone else was wearing sheets their moms cut arm-holes in, I had to have a hand-made, authentic costume.  It was humiliating.  In addition to that, my family fought brutally in front of me.  I once saw my grandma put out a cigarette on my aunt's cheek and saw my aunt remove all of her clothes at the kitchen table to "make a point" that she would give ANYTHING to my grandmother.  My life was in constant turmoil.  My grandmother would do things like say she was leaving and I had a choice - I could go with her and never seem my mom again or stay with my mom and never see her again.  Not surprisingly, I developed a severe anxiety disorder at the age of 6 and had my first full-blown panic attack at 11.  I then developed anorexia at 13 and nearly died.  I was always told to be beautiful and perfect, well dammit I was trying to be! 

When I was 15, I developed a crush on a guy my family hated because he was from a poor family and it looked bad for me to date him.  Well, they were so determined that I would have nothing to do with him that my aunt threw me on the bed and choked me while we were having a heated discussion about it and she would go into my high school and wait outside the door of my last class for me every day and then march me to my locker to get my books and then out to the car to go home so I wouldn't talk to him in the hallway.  I nearly died of humiliation.  Things have been this way throughout my life.  My aunt is a sick person who has never had the courage to leave my grandma.  She had a daughter out of wedlock who tragically died of brain cancer and now she has a shrine built to her in their home.  She is a professional "victim" who refuses to even consider healing at all.  If you don't send her daughter something for Christmas, yes, even though she is no longer living, my aunt becomes extremely upset.  My grandma is the most narcissistic person I have ever known.  She had a heart attack last December and while she was lying in the hospital bed having nearly died she was griping my sister out for having "greasy hair."  I have finally realized she does all this because she thinks it reflects badly on her!  My aunt used to start singing whenever I would talk and try to express my feelings of how bad they hurt me.  This is the ultimate in "voicelessness" to me - she treated me like I totally didn't matter and what I had to say was so trivial that she didn't even hear me.  When I was crying, begging, even cutting my wrists, she would turn away and begin singing a happy tune and talking to my grandma about what was for dinner that night.  My mom was just absent, never a mom to me.  She gave all control and power over to my grandma and aunt.

The latest insult to me is that they have decided that I am not capable of being a mother to my two children.  They have called the police on my husband and myself, claiming we abuse our children (we have been cleared).  They even reported my husband sexually abused my daughter, which is a lie.  They hate my husband because he will not buckle under and take their stuff - he stands up to them.  They call him "white trash" and say I should be with someone more befitting me - a good "Christian" man, though they have no idea what it means to be Christian at all.  My mother called the police and told them I was planning, with my husband, to drown our 5 year old daughter in a swimming pool.  Now, my mom wants to know why I won't see her or let her have anything to do with my kids.  I have had to change my phone number to keep her from calling, but I fear she will call the police on us again and we'll have to go through more trauma with that.

As for me, I am a mess.  I have severe phobias - health anxiety (I am a hypochondriac and am convinced I am dying of a heart arrhythmia even though I have been to numerous doctors who all have told me I'm fine), I fear elevators so much I've had to take a job paying a lot less than I could make because it's in a one-story building.  I have panic attacks and nightmares.  I have body image problems and hate to even look at myself in pictures or see myself nude in a mirror - I can't even be nude in front of my own husband.  I have been suicidal in the past and was a "cutter" for a long time.  I am a self-defeatist - I went to a top law school but I work for $15 per hour and have failed the bar exam.  I can't even get motivated to study.  I could be and do a lot more, but I am convinced I am nothing.  I am not in therapy right now because we don't have insurance.  I'm studying for the bar exam and working part time and my husband is a contract employee who doesn't have insurance benefits.  I want to change, to heal but I can't seem to.  I am very motivated to change my life but can't find out how.

Thanks for listening....

[pennyplant]

Hey, blackbird,

I'm going to go back and read your whole post again.  I didn't have to get very far, though, to know that the answer to your question, "Was I abused?" is YES, you were.  And still are.

They loved who they wanted you to be.  Not who you were.  You have symptoms of having survived abuse because you did survive abuse.

I want to welcome you to this board.  This board is a way to work on becoming yourself and finding your voice.  It is not the only place to do this and it may not always be the best place to do this.  But it is a good place to share your stories and learn from others, and in doing so, you may find some parts of yourself that you didn't even know existed.  You may be able to strengthen those parts and really become more yourself by sharing and reading here.

There is a lot going on with you and it isn't going to "go away" just by talking here.  There are limits to a message board.  But there is a lot that just sharing your stories and expressing yourself can do.  Maybe by doing that you will be able to find the will to work on the other things.  It's a process.

So welcome, blackbird.  I hope to hear more.

Love,
Pennyplant

[mudpuppy]

Blackbird,

and I cannot figure out if I was *really* abused as a child or not

I hope you're kidding. The lot of them ought to be in jail.

I would get as far away from them as possible and pray to God I never see or hear from them again. They are trying to destroy your family. You, your husband and your children are in grave danger being anywhere they can get their hooks into any of you. If it were me I would move, leave no forwarding information and never look back. How can you heal when the cause of your problems is constantly harrassing you? Your only obligation is to yourself, your husband and your kids. Get someplace safe and let the dead bury their own dead, as Jesus put it.

mud

[blackbird]

Hi, guys - thanks for the replies and welcomes.

Mudpuppy, no I wasn't kidding about wondering if I was abused.  A big part of me knows I was, but a small part of me still can't accept it.  My family (esp. my aunt) also has a way of making you think you are the crazy, wrong one and they are perfectly right.  Sometimes when they say I had a perfect childhood and that their only mistake was "loving me too much" I almost believe it and question my own sanity.  But, more and more of me is realizing I have to get away from these people.  I just feel so much guilt because they say I am killing my grandmother, my mom's heart is broken because she can't see her grandkids, etc.  They don't understand why we are upset with them at all.  My husband told me that they are endangering us, that they have injured me and they won't do it to our children.  I have been sneaking and talking to my mom.  I don't want him to know because then he'd think I'm crazy but the guilt keeps me coming back.

My family doesn't know our address or phone number - I call my mother from pay phones, but am considering even stopping this as it creates too much guilt and turmoil for me.

I am planning on getting back in therapy soon and am reading a lot and trying to heal with God's help right now.

[Sela]

Hi Blackbird:

lying to cut off your relationship with your father
dressing you like a doll.....a thing
playing out shocking and violent drama infront of you
tearing your heart appart by forcing you to choose between your mother
and her mother for a fiasco which insanely never materialized
requiring you to be perfect when they are so very far from it
gramma choking you
being escorted and monitored like a toddler when you were a teen
drowning you out with nonsense when you tried to speak
your mother abandoning you to her lunatic mother's care
making outrageous and false reports on you and your hubby to child services
 and police
feeding you guilt for trying to save yourself and your family and denying the truth
Trying to control you with fear.

Yep.  That's all abuse.  Yep.  You were abused and are still being abused.

I say cut all contact and also:

Sue them!! 
Get compensation to pay for the therapy you need!

Use your knowledge of the law and study how to do it right!
Let that be part of your therapy!

Sela

[tayana]

Blackbird, honey, yes, you were abused.  (((((((hugs))))))  The whole lot of your family ought to go to jail.  How they treated you was awful.  I'm so glad you found this board.

Here is my advice. 

Check with your local hospital to see about support groups for abuse survivors or a therapist who could treat you on a sliding scale.  There might also be some clinics who might be able to treat you at low cost or no cost.  You could also try contacting a domestic violence shelter to see if they could refer you to some resources. 

If you can afford it, move.  Leave no forwarding address except with people who are good and healthy for you.  Your family is toxic, and you need to have as little contact as possible with them.  If you can't afford to move, then go no contact.  Change your phone number if they have it.  Change your locks.  If they show up at the door, don't answer it.

I agree with one of the other comments.  Take them to court.  They have slandered you and your husband, and they should be liable for that.

Concentrate on healing yourself and helping yourself grow.  You can do it.  I know you can.  Telling your story is the first step.

T

[mudpuppy]

Blackbird,

They don't understand why we are upset with them at all.

 Yes they do, they just don't care. They need you and your family under their thumbs to live their sick lives and if living that sick life destroys your family they won't care as long as they can use you to make themselves feel alive.
They are intentionally making you think you are the crazy one because that makes it possible for them to pretend they aren't. They are intentionally making you feel guilty because they know they are the guilty ones. They manipulate and abuse and destroy to make themselves feel better and they just don't care who it harms.
 Your husband is right. More important he is right for the right reason; he has your and your children's interests at heart. Listen to him, not your mother. Maybe someday she'll get out of the web she is stuck in, but until she does and as long as they are acively attempting to harm your family, any contact with her is dangerous.
 Their actions have relieved you of any guilt to be felt by cutting them off. They are the guilty ones.

mud

[tayana]

Hey Blackbird,

I missed your second post.  Listen to your husband.  Your family is endangering you and your family.  They've hurt you, and they'll hurt your children if they get the chance.  Don't give them that chance.  Don't feel guilty about cutting these very toxic people out of your lives.

You said you were doing some reading,

Try reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.  I'm rereading this one right now as I'm trying to get out of my own mess.  It's a great book.

[debkor]

Hey Blackbird,

How about if you can fit in the time and I know it will be very difficult but what about using your knowledge from Law School to kind of help out with an Abused Womens Center.  This way you can help each other with both your knowledges.  This could be very beneficial for you both.  You could be a God Send to each other.
Just a thought.


Love
Deb
 

[JanetLG]

Blackbird,

You have been dreadfully abused by people who never erver 'loved you too much' - they *controlled* you too much! Your husband is right - get away from them as quickly as possible, so that they can't do it any more.

You need to start No Contact with the whole lot of them. Your mother will never change. That's hard to hear, I know, but you are wasting your time when you could be healing. I had anorexia from age 12 to 24, so I know the depths of despair of that one, Blackbird. You must be very strong to still be alive after all that.

Janet

PS I love that Beatles tune - very inspirational, and apt.

[mudpuppy]

Blackbird,

Do you have a relationship with your father?

mud

[blackbird]

No, I don't have a relationship with my dad.  He is a good person, I know that.  He got remarried shortly after he and my mom divorced andhe has a daughter just a bit younger than me.  We have talked and tried to have a relationship before, but he told me that my relatives just had caused so much hurt that he wasn't really sure if he could ever get over it.  It sort of tainted his chances of having a relationship with me.  The way I see it, when you have a kid, you don't forget them, no matter what.  No matter how bad their other parent is.  It makes me mad sometime that he didn't try to "save" me but I guess he really didn't know what was up.  He told me he thought my family loved me and would take good care of me.  He was sort of shell-shocked by these people, I guess.

I have decided to break off all contact.  We are considering moving to another state to get away from them and will probably do so as soon as we're able.

Thanks, everyone, for your support.
Stacy

[Hopalong]

Welcome, ((((((((((((Stacy)))))))))):

I can only ditto all the wisdom here, and second Deb's suggestion.

I am so very sorry you had such toxic malevolent people for relatives.
They must be a terrified nightmarish bunch.

I can see why you feel a little sorry for your mother.

But her destiny and her choices belong to HER.

You are not responsible for comforting them. If they want healing
and comfort, they are as free as you are to seek it out. But not within
an arm's length of you. (Or better yet, a few thousand miles.)

NONE of it is your fault, or ever way. It was an unlucky draw.

Pay yourself back for what you've been through by moving forward,
grabbing healing with a vengeance (no pun intended)).

Welcome here.

Hopalong

[tayana]

(((((Hugs, Ami))))))) I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time. 

I asked that question a lot too.  "What I abused?" I never used to say things about what my mother said.  I didn't talk about how I felt or how she made me feel to anyone.  I didn't really start to think about it until I went away to college and suddenly she wasn't there breathing over me all the time.  Suddenly, I was around people whose parents were "normal" and came to visit without making a production of it.  Or just came up to visit for fun, and went out together and just had fun.  When my parents came, my mom would complain the whole time.  Instead of being comforted by their visit, I always felt worn out.  It was the first time I really started to think about that question, "Was I abused?"  I wasn't beaten, although there were a few spanking/slapping episodes that were a little borderline.  My mother didn't do awful things to me.  She just made me feel small and weak.  I felt so small and weak that I had to learn to be able to talk to people just to do things like buy books in the bookstore.  I didn't know how to speak up for myself.  I still don't really, but I'm definitely learning.

I don't think I really could call what she did to me abuse until I posted my story on another board and someone said, "This is abuse."

[Ami]

My next step is to  write a post about my husband and ask" Is this abuse? '                      Ami