It's done

[lighter]

Ami,

I can't pretend to understand her.  I can't pretend that I understand this idea that this is all about her.  The truth is she's never forgiven me for getting pregnant when I was 22.  She was hateful about that.  She's made plenty of biting, punishing comments about how I've shamed her for my mistake.  This whole thing is not about moving.  It's about defiance.  I'm defying her.  I'm saying, what we've got here isn't working, it's time for something new.  She doesn't like that because she always has to be right.  I've managed to get another perspective on the situation, and I see how truly dysfunctional this model is.  I have committed the ultimate sin and I have broken the silence.

It is a sort of death, although I don't think I'm really mourning the loss of the mother/daughter relationship.  We don't really have one.  We have a mockery of that.  I'm mourning that I'm never going to have that, and I'm going to have to find a replacement for that relationship.

Am I courageous?  Maybe.  I know I was certainly scared last night, and I said what I needed to say anyway.  I tried to give voice to my hurt, but it didn't happen.  She wouldn't listen to me.  My voice didn't matter.  I'm probably going to have to undo whatever she's done to my son today.  As my brother pointed out, he's been used against me.  Every time I've tried to break away, she's there to twist that knife.  There was a point a few months ago that I really began to resent my son because I'd never gotten the chance to live.  It wasn't his fault.  But I was projecting my anger onto him.  My mother quickly pointed out that I've yelled at him, and I have.  I'm  not proud of that, but I do know that those moments when he tries my patience most are when she has been ragging on us, and that gets me tense and that tension erupts.  I do not, however spend every conversation with my son, seeing how much I can criticize him. He's got enough problems, he doesn't need criticisms.

I'm torn between giving you a hug and a pat, for staying strong and moving forward....

and being so f'n ticked off at your mother for using your son and manipulating your entire family.......

doing harm for no rhyme or reason. 

((((tayana)))) (((((M)))))) There's the hugs. 

Getting out of your mother's home is going to be a breath of fresh air and I quoted your post bc it was so powerful, it bears repeating. 

You will have more room for support systems that actually work for you, now that you've stopped pretending your parents ever provided one.  I was so happy to see you writing about that.  This is soooo important.   

Just a reminder, has the DA decided what he can and can't do with regard to charging your mother with her criminal actions? 

[Hopalong]

My mother always said her alternate career, if she'd gone that way, would've been interior decorating.

We live in a house choked with tchotkes, sentimental decorations, needlework done to patterns, and too much furniture. It was basically decorated when they built it in 1965. Then dipped in amber.

She does have a sense of elegance but doesn't notice when the space is overrun. ('Course, I am overrun too, but I loathe it. For her, the space has always been by extension, Just Right As It Is.)

One of the most hurtful things she ever said to me (I who also love beauty and care about art)...when she was toying with me about whether I could inherit the house and stay, was:

"Well, you know a house in this neighborhood needs to be furnished and kept up in a certain way, and you can't do that..."

I suddenly realized that rather than have her "taste" overruled after her passing, she'd rather let the house my Dad built and my Great-Uncle designed, go to strangers. It would be better to have me tucked away in an apartment somewhere, rather than Let the Neighbors See what I might do...

Now I think that battle's over. Funnily enough, I have no plans to paint the brick purple, I see the pleasing proportions. It needs emptying, then some renovations I can't afford...but ultimately, it's a gracious structure with good bones. Mainly, I want to EMPTY it. And then choose color.

If I have nothing more than rooms with colors of my choosing, that will be bliss enough.

Hops

[gratitude28]

Tayana,
You did a great job!! I can only imagine how hard it must have been to do... I have never dealt with my mother on this level.
May I make one recommendation? Extremely limit the exposure your son has to your mother. She will try to get back at you, and she will hurt your son, just as she has you. Do you want her telling your son you are a whore, or some such thing that she says to you??? You have done such a good job with him and this whole situation. Do not let her butt in, just because of your guilt. She is cruel, and will never change.
((((((((((((((((Tayana))))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Wise words, Beth.

Tayana, my biggest regret in my D's childhood is that I allowed my Nmother to nearly take over--she, my D, is trying to cope with the damage even now, at 26--and I think she's got many years of "debriefing" to go.

I think M is lucky that his mother is creating space for him to be who he is, and be loved by his Mom without someone hovering over her shoulder.

Go out and find resources for the support of your little family. Find your own community of good accepting friends. You deserve them. When you create that, you bring M the gift of extended family...aunts! Loads of aunts! 

He can hang around as a bunch of good free women sing, carry on, support each other and face life respecting ech other. He can go to potlucks, he can enjoy them coming over for potlucks. He can tag along when you go to art class, join a women's choir. He can get used to the noise that comes from people who are happy, rather than people who are angry.

You can create all this for him. And you can create it for you, too.

Hope you will!
love
Hops

[tayana]

Just a reminder, has the DA decided what he can and can't do with regard to charging your mother with her criminal actions? 

Lighter, I won't know anything about this until Monday, after the motion to dismiss the judgment.  I'm hoping that goes as well as my lawyer expects it to.  Then I think we have to go back to court with the creditor to have them drop it.  If my mom would cooperate, which she won't since she still denies she had anything to do with this, it would probably end there.  If not, then we'll have to go through a huge court proceeding, and that's where it might go to the DA.

Getting out of your mother's home is going to be a breath of fresh air and I quoted your post bc it was so powerful, it bears repeating. 

I think when we are moved, I'm just going to collapse in the floor and cry with relief.

Tayana, my biggest regret in my D's childhood is that I allowed my Nmother to nearly take over--she, my D, is trying to cope with the damage even now, at 26--and I think she's got many years of "debriefing" to go.

Hops, I regret letting my mom have as much control as she did.  I'm hoping it's not too late to undo some of what my mother has done.  He is a little self-centered, like her, although he has moments of real compassion.  He's very concerned with the environment and animals and animal habitats.  We have a lot of things we don't need, and I thought maybe, having him donate some of the toys he no longer plays with might be a good exercise for him in learning to be compassionate to others.   My mom has kept him very isolated on the farm.  He's never been allowed to have other children over.  He's not been allowed to go to other children's houses, or birthday parties, or anything like that.  He has really been expected to be a little adult.  Her thing is not to push him into doing to many things, not to get him involved in activities, because he needs time to be a kid.  Mostly she told me when she called me at work yesterday, he does as he pleases all day.  Until I get home, then she starts screaming at him to pick up his things, eat his dinner, etc.  So he is constantly pestering everyone for attention because he spends all day doing as he pleases.

Her argument when I said something about sending him to camp was:  "I Thought you were going to get him involved in some things over the summer.  Instead you're going to send him over to that Rec-Plex where he doesn't know anyone.  His autism will get worse.  You just watch."

Please understand, getting him involved in some things was to send him to a different camp where I currently live.  He wouldn't have known anyone then.  And my gut tells me his autism won't get worse.  Camp won't be like school.  It'll be fun, and he'll get to do all sorts of things he'll enjoy.  I mean what kid wouldn't enjoy painting, drawing and playing with clay all day?  And as for not knowing anyone, anything he did he would have been in the same position.  At least going to two or three camps gives him the chance to make friends.

[tayana]

Arrgh . . . so now she calls me at work to ask if she wants me to get boxes.  Of course, I need boxes, so I said yes. 

So then she rags me out over what I'm going to do with M on the one night a month I have to work twenty minutes late.  I will figure out something.  I have a month to figure that out.  Arrgh! 

[tayana]

Got my keys.  There's no turning back now.

Of course, that place looked a lot smaller when I walked through it today.  Oh well, it's still mine.  I'm trying to figure out where my "office" is going to be.  It's currently in a 5X7 space, so small is not an issue there.

My son is going to be disappointed that he's going to lose a piece of furniture, but my mom gave it to me, and I think it's hideous.  I never wanted it, but she insisted.  I think though, we can easily get everything else in his room, with a little creativity, and he does have a large closet.  We can take down the extra shelves and he can stack his crates of toys in there. Or maybe we could get a different shelving system.  I'm going to go Sunday and clean and move some things in.

[Hopalong]

Do you want me to get boxes, Tayana?

Yes thanks.

Now what are you going to do about M's blah blah on the day blah blah...

I'll take care of that. Thanks for getting boxes, got to go.

Hanging up now, talk to you later. Bye-bye. Click.

CLICK is a really good thing to learn. When your voice is polite and YOU have closed the conversation by specifically (in a calm voice) explaining "I need to hang up now" without waiting for an answer that approves of your need or gives permission for you to have that need...then YOU ARE ALLOWED TO DISCONNECT THE PHONE EVEN IF YOU CAN HEAR HER INTAKE OF BREATH FOR HER NEXT QUESTION OR EVEN IF SHE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SYLLABLE.

I seem to have discovered yell-type. Shout-type. No idea, I think it's hormonal, but please know I'm not yelling at you, Tay! It's just that everything I just typed in caps was an enormous, life-changing revelation to me.

I am not meaning to lecture with the all-caps either. Tell me if it's offensive. I just get revved up...because I remember in assertiveness training when someone taught me this concept I was absolutely flabbergasted. Courtesy and etiquette had contributed to my voicelessness, and I didn't know that I could choose to keep my voice calm, courteous, mature and sensible and still hang up when the other hadn't finished.

Basic things I did not know were that I was allowed (by the loving universe to):

Hang up before the caller was ready because I was ready
Not answer the phone if I was home
Answer the doorbell or not answer the doorbell
Not open an envelope that comes in the mail
Return mail to sender
Throw mail in trash without returning to sender
Not reply to an email
Block a sender
Not reply to a phone call asking if I got the email
Not explain myself if someone asks why I don't like to email
Say "no, I'd rather not" if someone wanted a key
Say "I'd rather not go into it" if someone asked why
Say "How about them Cowboys?" if someone asked why I wouldn't answer why
Say "No thank you" if someone foisted gifts (i.e., furniture) on me that I didn't want
Say "No thank you" to anything offered that I did not want, even if it were that I were dying and needed a kidney and they offered their kidney and it was a perfect match but I did not want it I could say NO, thank you.

Really. Assertiveness is just astonishing. My favorite bit was when they did demonstrations that included no spite, no hostility, no heat, no zingers, no manipulation, just NO. A hundred ways to peacefully, serenely say NO.

Still boggles my mind.

Slower learner, me.
Hops

[debkor]

Tayana,

I'm sorry about the confrontation.  I remember those days.  You think that maybe something from space will zap their brain and they will actually be nice and supportive but never happens.

Anyway you are on your way to sitting on your couch, Peace.  Talking to your son, Peace.  Watching TV, peace. Things will get better now.  You won't be so on top of it any more. You have your own place not just another room.  Separation, priceless.

Lots of good wishes to you.

You go girl!!  You did it!!

Love Deb

[tayana]

Hops,

The conversation went along the lines of this:

Her:  I'm going to the grocery store.  Do you want me to get some boxes.
Me: Yes, thanks.
Her: Well, I'll probably have to reserve them
Me: Okay
Her: (Rambles on about how small a space this is)
Me: Politely ignoring her ramble.  Bye.

Hops, I know how you feel about saying "No."  I have such a hard time saying no to people.  I wonder what she's going to say when I say, "This is all the furniture I want."  I want the extra couch, the one chair, and the dining room table and chairs you've been complaining about.  That's it!  No more.  I don't have space for that and all of my furniture too.  Sorry. 

[Hopalong]

Wow. That was a great example, Tayana...I'm impressed!

I think you'll do fine about furniture.

And life.

Hops

[tayana]

She's being quite nasty right now.  She acts like it's killing her to offer any sort of help, so that maybe I'll change my mind.  Or that I'll come to my senses and stop this nonsense, but I think I already came to my senses in getting away from her.

[lighter]

Hops I was just discussing "assertiveness" with a friend today.  She thinks that most women are either passive or aggressive, but we just don't understand assertiveness, which is somewhere in between, according to her.



tayana: 
I can imagine you'll be strong enough to get yourself into your new space then break down and fall apart for a while.  Fairly standard for me too.  I'm always amazed at how strong I am at hospitals and during crisis then I completely fall apart afterwards, but we get it back together afterwards.  It's OK.

Keep your eye on the ball, if the DA thinks he can prosecute then he prosecutes.  If not, you let it go and keep moving in a positve direction.  I'm just glad you're on top of it and I'm so proud of you! 

(((tayana)))  Make that little apartment a safe haven for you and your son.   How you feel there is more important than being able to fit one more piece of furniture into a room.  Your son will settle and you'll be an ever better mother without all that negative energy keeping you on edge.  You're a very good mommy, btw; ) 

[tayana]

Lighter,

I tend to be a pretty easy going person, yes really, I can let lots of things just go.  So I guess I'm more passive by nature, but I've learned to be more assertive in the last few years.  I guess about the time I turned 30.  I started to get tired of everyone taking advantage of me and said something about it, and it felt good.  I've done pretty good professionally, but I don't do so well with my parents.

If the DA chooses to prosecute, he may do so with my blessing. 

My breakdowns don't tend to last long.  I'll be looking around and wanting to start putting things together.

I feel like a pretty tired mommy right now.  Last night, I went home with every intention of doing something productive, only it's like my mom just sucks all the energy out of you, and I just ended up laying on the bed.  I was so tired.  I'm tired today too.  Don't know why.  I just am.

[Ami]

Tayana,
   You are doing so very well. I am really proud  of you                      Love Ami