Looking for similar stories

[Sunshine]

Hi,

I posted this last night in the wrong place on the site (newbie error) so here it is.

I just found this site last  tonight and am hoping there are people here w/a similar situation as mine to help. I am looking for other people who were married at the time they met the "N" and had an affair w/the N, but have remained in their marriage and have successfully removed the N from their life.

Thanks

Sunshine

[Anonymous]

Hi Sunshine and welcome.

I saw your post slipping down to the bottom, so thought I'd reply and bring it up top. I can't help you with having a similar story though.

  I ain't never had me an affair. Damn!!!!

Back to serious mode, part of your question did mention looking for cases where people have successfully removed an N from their life. I'm sure lots of people here can relate to that. I'm wondering if you ask this because you have or haven't successfully removed this N from your life? I didn't quite understand.  Anyway, I hope you get the feedback you need.

Guest

[Sunshine]

Thanks for your response "Guest".  Don't ever have an affair, it will literally ruin your life! I am very close to removing the N from my life, but there is a part of me that wants to be friends w/him and that is all.  But I doubt that is possible.

Sunshine

[Anonymous]

Why?

[Sunshine]

I doubt that we can be friends as he always wants sex and I think he only cares about himself. How can you have a friendship when it is only one sided.

[Anonymous]

You said he's a narcissist, so 'll take that as given.

Is he a sex addict too?

You said it's an affair, is he or you or both of you married?

Do you have other friends?

Does he have other friends?

Do you share the same friends?

[Sunshine]

Answers to your questions:

No
I'm married, he's divorced
I have friends - but they are just friends.  
I don't know
No

What is your story?

[pandora]

Hi,

My situation is different - I am the wife of a N who had affairs.  

From what I know, my H totally lied to the other women.  The first OW I found out about broke the physical affair off when she came to her senses.  They tried to remain "friends" or keep a "professional relationship" (she worked for him) but he could not respect her boundaries and kept pushing her for an inappropriate relationship. She finally cut him off and then his attitude toward her changed completely - his one-time perfect soulmate became "psychobitch".  He then spread misinformation about her among their mutual friends, and harassed her via telephone and email for several weeks.  She is quite afraid of him now.  

Since then he has moved on to at least one more inappropriate relationship.  He seems to try and pick women who are susceptible to his charm and lies, maybe going through some personal difficulties that make them more vulnerable at that time.  Maybe this was the case with you?  How do you know that your N is not stringing other women along, too?

You can't remain friends if he is truly N, and even if he isn't, if you want to keep your marriage, staying friends is a dangerous idea.  I am sure that you are at heart a good person, and that you were manipulated by him.  It sounds like he is just using you - why would you want to remain friends anyway?   You need to protect yourself!

Good luck.

Pandora

[Sunshine]

Hi,Pandora-

Thanks for sharing.  I don't know if he is stringing others on, but I bet he is!  You are absolutley correct about why would I want to even have him in my life and yesterday I emailed him that I did not want us to have any further contact.

You are also correct in that I had met him when I was in a very vulnerable time in my life.  I was happy in my marriage and never ever wanted to have an affair, but it happened. Her persisted and kept on persisting.  I feel terribel for what I have done and wish I could turn back the clock and start over.

What do you stay w/your N husband?

Sunshine

[pandora]

Sunshine,

I am not staying with him, I have begun divorce proceedings.  

I think that people should be forgiven and given another chance after an affair, but he never showed any remorse for the first, and I found out later that he was continuing to search out new "victims" - while lying with a straight face in marriage counseling.  Plus he blamed me for everything and was verbally and emotionally abusive.  I took my marriage vows seriously but he just went too far for anyone to tolerate.  

I really hope that you can refocus on your marriage and make it happier, if that is what you want.  You might want to consider counseling to help you deal with your feelings- feeling terrible or guilty is probably normal, but you don't want to beat yourself up over this - that won't help you or your marriage.  

You must be hurting so much!  Take care of yourself! And good job for insisting on no contact - that shows a lot of strength.


Pandora

[ginger]

My N/P was an old boyfriend from college who found me through a reunion site.  After I told him (I am divorcing - he is very married) he was moving too fast for me and pushing an affair - he did a lot of disappearing acts while trying to maintain our friendship.  

Finally he picked on one of my online friends and she & I found out about each other.  She was ready to start an affair with him too!!! We are both devastated but and he got so mad he threatened me.  I went to the police with his threats and GUESS WHAT?

- he is on a whole BUNCH of online "casual sex"/"discreet relationship" sites and has been for years
- writes on religion & politics and uses his comments and his own website's guestbook to troll
- trolls on the highschool/college reunion sites
- had the audacity to write REVIEWS of the various hookers he has been with (saying what a stud he is) on a site that reviews call girls

The last one was turned over to the police and he may be charged with soliciting because the site gave the girl's PICTURES & PRICES.  DUH!!!

And this idiot used the same damn screen name/nick he used everywhere.  Can you say DEPRAVED PREDATOR?  

I had known him 30 years.  I am cooperating with the police.  His wife & kids are still with him but I think she's still in shock.  I pray she kicks him to the curb.

Do I want to stay friends with him? NOOOOOOOOO!!
Did I tell the police because I was jealous or vindictive? NOOOOOO
It was the right thing to do for the sake of his family.  That's the only reason.

Still dealing with serious PTSD from all this but cut him off.  PERIOD.

[Anonymous]

And you did society at large a favour too Ginger. Good on you.