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You're all playing the shame game !!!

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longimtelurker:
Are you the rescuer, the persecutor or the victim?

how do you escape the triangle ?

http://lynneforrest.com/articles/fov.html

a must read article, I think.

Portia:
Great thread title! You had me! :lol:  Interesting link but too much for me today :roll:  - will keep for later.
Seriously though, did you post in response to other threads going on or did you just post? Being very touchy today, for myself, for others, maybe even a bit thick, so just asking ok?????? (emoticon for prickly/stupid)

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: longimtelurker ---Are you the rescuer, the persecutor or the victim?

how do you escape the triangle ?

http://lynneforrest.com/articles/fov.html

a must read article, I think.
--- End quote ---


Hi longimtelurker,

Interesting isn't it, how we move around the triangle? It's a bit like the DV cycle charts and concepts isn't it? We play each role at some time or another?

I'm feeling a bit awkward being asked to explain my position on this when you haven't told me your position. So do you mind if I put the question back to you first, how did you escape the triangle? Then I'll understand where you're coming from and maybe that'll make me feel more comfortable in relating to you. I think I'd like to do it that way if you don't mind.

And also, thanks so much for the link,

Guest.

longtimelurker:
Hi Portia and guest

Sorry couldn't resist being slightly contentious with my title  :)
 in my defense, I could say it was a way of getting more people to look in on the thread.
I just posted as I thought it would be of interest to those here, as it was of interest to me.
I have certainly moved around the triangle many times. I am currenty seen as the bad one, as I am trying not to play the game.
Hi Guest,
My way of escaping, and occasionally to myself I'm sure I still occasionally behave in that way - old habits and all - was to try and talk to people in my family about how I was being treated.
This failed miserably on all counts - save one.
Parents and siblings were all succesful in  putting it all back on me - ie they changed the conversation around. to some I was "dredging up the past" and to my mother in particular, she got drunk and telephoned me back (I had arranged to meet her with questions the next day) and manipulated me into being angry. I therefore didn't ask all the questions I wanted to (about what she had done recently) but ended up shouting down the phone about the past. I could then quite easily be painted as the crazy one in her eyes.
and the one success - was me - I dropped the rope. I don't engage. It easier at the monment as they don't contact me. maybe they're scared I'll try to stir up trouble again.

It's obvious there was a big problem as I had described trying to confront my mother as the hardest thing I have ever done. And that I know is not right.
I don't know if I will try to express that part of me again. they don't seem to want to hear my voice (I had been the rescuer for many years)
by trying to speak the truth, my truth. When it comes down to it though, is it really necessary to tell someone (i wouldn't say it like I'm about to express it here, but it sums it up) that almost everything they say and do is anathema to me? No-one wold take that news well. so it's hardly surprising she does everything she can to run from it.

She's a hypocrite, talks down to people, breaks confidences then says "but don't tell" all the things I really don't like.
Trivialising,belittling - all the abusive behaviours,really.

The one question remaining for me is why do I still read these boards?

These events were still a year ago. Maybe I'm being vigilant so I don't slip into my old role, when I so see family. Maybe I'm not yet ready to move away from what has happened and apply myself to other things.

There you go, guest, that's me.  :?

seeker:
Dear Longtime Lurker,

Thank you for posting this link.  I know a lot of us are familiar with the Drama Triangle, but I really appreciated the wisdom at the end.  Some of the other articles look interesting, too.  It was eye-opening to read the part about being willing to be perceived as the "bad guy" to get off the triangle.  That is exactly how it went down with my pathological NSIL.  She was "victimized" by my unwillingness to play "mouse" in her cat-and-mouse game  :shock:   Yes, I was definitely the bad guy and, sniffle, she was the victim, poor thing.  Well, I lived through it, it was uncomfortable, and the world didn't come to an end for either one of us.  :wink:

Also, there's a book that splits another role out of "victim". That is, "player", a person who never takes responsibility for themselves, makes a mess that others have to clean up.  In addition, this author says the way off the triangle is to become a problem-solver. (this sounds an awful lot like rescuer, but it really isn't).  The book is called Emotional Unavailability by Bryn Collins, originally recommended by another poster here a while ago.
Great link, thanks again.  Seeker

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