Variable response

[Lupita]

If any of you have read about the reason for which people gamble, it is becasue it is a variable response. If the response were fixed and you know that after certain amount of tokens you will get a price, it would not be addictive. But you are putting tokens and in 100,000 times you get one price, the solely idea of that one price keeps you going.

That is why we, children of N parents, are so confused, and propense to get addictions, games, drugs, or love, or victime role, etc, because we never knew what we were going to get from our caretakers, always a variable response.

And when one time they give us a little taste of that nurture that we desperately are looking for, we keep pressing on the lever until we are exhausted, until our emotions have no more tokens. Until we are nothing.

Variable response, that is why we cannot anticipate. I am sorry for my mom. She was the escape goat of her mother too. But I need to be sane. I will try to enjoy the last days that my mom is spending here with me, until next year she will be back if God allows, and I will be even healthier, she will be my little girl and I will give her a lolypop. I will never abandone her, anyway. Just keep her kind of a safe distance.

Like sharks, I admire sharks and I would help to protect them but will keep my distance from them. Just a safe distance, without abandoning her. She got what she wanted. But not all her way. Just in the middle. Hope that I am making sense.

My woulds got infected, I am taking antibiotics, but today my infected spot was much better, no draining, the doctor said I can go on the treadmill. I will go today to the gym and do treadmill. Walk will make me feel better.

Love to you all.

Thank you.

God bless you dear friends.

[lighter]

Hey Lupita:

It sounds like you're on the fast track to gaining insite and strength about dealing with your mother, and your feelings.

What a thing to have to do while you're recovering from surgery, dealing with infection and all that stuff you had going on at work and church, too.

I like the shark analogy.  Not sure how that's going to work for ya. 

I couldn't take the relentless pounding from my N. 

I had to choose NC.

You don't have to deal with your mother every day though. 

I suspsect it's possible to keep her filed away safely and protect yourself. 

I just don't think I can/could do that with my N so I fear for you on a couple of levels.

I will say that you sound like you've landed on your feet and you're "back in the saddle." 

That's a really good place to be and I'm glad for you.

Keep healing and taking care of yourself, first and foremost.  Even if you don't know how or don't want to or it leaves you cold.... keep practicing and pretending and DOING it. 

(((Lupita)))  I also liked your "little child with a lollipop" analogy. 

Just remember that N's job is to insight confusion and knock you off balance. 

They're not just good at it, it's WHAT THEY ARE. 

So be mindful and protective of YOU for the duration of the visit. 

[lighter]

Darnit.... I started out to post ONE little thing and then forgot, lol.

I read that the most harmful thing you can do to a child.....



is treat them with kindness and cruelty without any reason.
 
Your post brought this to mind. 

[Ami]

Lupita,
   I have never hear you sound so good. You are taking important steps to healing. I am really happy for you     Love  Ami

[debkor]

hey Lup,


I'm glad you are feeling much better and getting back to doing the things you like.

Your post made so much sense.  I agree with you it becomes an addiction a habit.  Like gambling sometimes you win most of the time you lose.  In the end you winding up losing more then you gained. It's never really a win situation only feels like it at the moment just to try to win more and lose everything you had to begin with.  Better to not gamble.  Your right that is exactly what it is like when you deal with an N.  Your always pulling that lever to see if you can gain or break even.  Get more or get back what you lost.

It's so good that you see what happened to your mom (her life before you) her childhood.  It will help you understand why and who she is.  You have broken the cycle Lup although you carry pain from your childhood.  You did not pass it on to your child.

You make complete sense to me Lup and I think you are right on things.  Pain takes quite sometime to get rid of but I see GREAT healing in you. 

Your a good soul Lup,
I'm glad you are here on this board and I enjoy your post.

Deb

[Hopalong]

WOW, Lupita!!!!

I am awed.

GOOD FOR YOU.

You're seeing more clearly so you're not so scared.

Bravoooooooooo!
Hops

[Lupita]

I knew that N have one child of gold and one child escape goat. My mother was the escape goat of my gandmother and I was the escape goat of my mother.
I did not know that it came from a hebrewa tradition. I do not enjoy reading the old testament. I always prefer to read the new testament. So I know very little of the old traditions. Thank you so much CB.
It sounds so much real for all of us. It is even painful.
Today, it is Friday. My mom is mad at me. I was almost about yo start suffering and thinking how unfair life is, when I read CB's post about escape goats. Suddenly I remember that she is not reasonable. Thank you CB. I will not feel that bad now.
I have to remember that I have to look at it from the outside.
She is mad. In two hours she has not talked to me at all. I have asked twice what she wants to do and she does not answer. She must be thinking how ungrateful I am to not appreciate her efforts to come take care  of me. We were watching a program on TV suring breakfast in wich a daughter was being very ungrateful to her mother. She got mad at me. On top of all she burned her bread in the oven. I did not run fast enough so her bread did not burn. She took that as if I was not grateful to her. I cannot analized anymore why she is mad today. She is a rollercoaster and I cannot let her affect me. I have to be sorry for her. On top, if I go and aske her what is the matter, I know she is going to get even worse, so I have to ignore her for maybe thirty minutes and then see if she wants to go out. Or just aske her again.
But I am not going to feel sad, I am not going to feel sad, it is not my fault that she is mad, I am not a bad daughter, I am not going to be sad, she will get better in half an hour and then if I let it affect me I will be sad for several days, I cannot be sad, I cannot feel bad.
She is leaving in two days, on Sunday. I cannot let her destroy my day, I have tones of money that I owe the hospital, I have to recover, I have to look for a summer job, I have to study for the exam I want to take before classes start.
I cannot let her ignorance affect my mood, I will not take me anywhere.
Now I am in the living roo, and she is in the bedroom. She does not want to tell me what she wants to do. If I go and ask her she is going to explode.

Somebody help me here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lupita]

I am sure it is because she burned her sandwich because I was lazying around the living room instead of helping her in the kitchen. I am sure that is the reason.
I already called my son and I asked him to meet us because she wants some CDs that he has. So we are going to eat lunch tohether and that will help her to get happier. She never mistreats me in fron of my son. Only in private.
So the presence of my son is going to help.
I just have to survive from now to the moment that my son comes to the rescue, in two hours.
i am already extremely fueled in adreanline and fear.
I cannot have fear. This fear has to go right now.
Seh cant do anything to me. She is sick. She is ignorant. She did not even finish high school, she left school in the first year of high school, my grand mother put her to work and she took all her money. She was only fourteen when she started working and giving all her money to my grnd mother.
I cannot be sad.
Please, God help me, please, please.

[lighter]

Lupita:

She'll be gone soon and your job is to "KEEP MOVING IN A POSITIVE DIRECTION"

Make the arrangements to take that summer course.

Get online and check on summer jobs you'd find interesting.

Busy yourself with taking care of YOU.

She'll either continue acting the way she is or she'll do something different.

Either way, you can't control her.

WHAT CAN YOU CONTROL?

Lupita and taking care of Lupita.

Now quit worrying about her and do something that will make you feel better.

Your're gonna be just fine and we're here rooting for ya!

[Lupita]

She is a poor elder, 70 years old, has no money.
She still provokes me so much fear. I cant believe that I fear her.
I am so disappointed of my self.
I thought that I did not fear her anymore.
I was wrong.
I dont want her to get mad at me.
I still want to be a good girl and that is not going to happen.
Is not going to happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont feel, i dont feel, I dont feel,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will not be sad!!!!!!!!!! I will not be sad.

I did such a good job yesterday. She was trying so hard to cause a conflict and I turned the conversation around and I even made her laugh.

What happened today?

I lowered my guard.

I am exhausted.

[lighter]

Lup.... it's just going to take some time and practice to internalize these lessons.

I want you to cry and cry and cry and cry...... I want your inner child to wail and rant about how unfair it is for a mother to not love her daughter and make her FEEL like a bad girl...

when whe's really a good little girl who loves and wants to be loved.

That's not fair.

It makes no sense.

Get through this.  

You're learning and growing, the more pain, the stronger you're going to be.

That's the fact and your're in the void.

So scary, so dark, so helpless.

But you're not helpless.

DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF just one little thing and remember that she doesn't have any control over what she does, but you do.

If she could do better she would.

DO BETTER FOR YOURSELF Lupita.

((((LUPITA)))))) You really need a hug, sweetie.

This will be over soon.

Adjust that helmet and don't let her words in.

[CB123]

Lupita,

Just read your last post--why can't you be sad?  Why do you have to work so hard not to be sad?  To not feel your feelings?  

Is there some kind of unspoken contract that you have with your mom that you can never be sad?  What if you broke the contract?  What if you refused to try to make her happy with  you?  What if you just walk out of the room if she is being cranky and go spend some time in your room by yourself--read a book, take a nap, call a friend.  What if you decide that you are going to be sad if you feel sad and quit expending all the energy that you are to try not to be?

No wonder you are exhausted.  And it sounds like she wants you to be.

Lupita, see if you can take a look at what is happening--is it what always happens?  Try to do something a little different.  If you normally follow her around asking what's wrong, try taking a walk alone instead.  Just make some small change that will make you feel that you arent stuck--even if it doesnt change her at all.

Love

CB

[Hopalong]

I was thinking "take a walk" too, Lup, like CB.

I think sometimes being inside a room inside a building when emotions feel like they're pressing in like walls...it's good to go outdoors.

Just a gentle walk, looking at trees and plants and dogs and sun if it's sunny, or the bright mystery of raindrops if it's not. Breathe while you walk, cry if you like.

Let nature soak in.

YOU BELONG HERE. You are part of it all, a welcome, beloved part.

(((((Lupita)))))))

Hops

[axa]

Lup
Your initial post here was wonderful.  It makes such sense to me about the whole addiction process.  I know I ended up addicted to getting the crumbs from XN. Which of course was what I got from N mother.  I think children of Ns live in a heightened state of stress, always waiting and always hoping against hope.  I have always had that feeling of waiting and I just hate it.  I wriggle in the waiting, try and be the good one, the rebel, anything to get a few crumbs.  Since I have taken control of my life I have lost that feeling and it is so good.

I thought it was very interesting your post about the golden child and the scape goat.  XN has two kids, his son, who he bullied mercilessly and his D who is the golden one.  It was disgusting to watch that game.  Needless to say I would defend the son which did not go down well, telling the truth was not allowed.

take care of yourself,

axa

[lighter]

How ya doin, Lupe?

I was in the car a good deal of yesterday but I thought about you and hoped you were up and out of the house keeping yourself occupied.

Learning to tune out the learned responses your mother trained into you will take time.

Changing habits is always hard.

Never an easy process.

Changing the habits you have with your mother will lead to better emotional health for you.

Changing your expectations of her and finding new support systems is where you're headed.

It just takes time and I hope you start a journal and write write write all these feelings down.

It helps to go back and re read them.  Then write again.

It helps bring clarity and that's what you're looking for.

To get rid of the confusion you've been living in.

((Lupita))