Public displays of affection

[gareth]

It has been noted recently by my new partner that although when we are alone I am full of affection, but when we are out as a group
or within public I show no affection at all.... it has even been stated that I act like a single man.

This is very true of me as I used to do this with my ex partner... but I am unaware as to why I do this..and need to reverse this cycle
before it becomes a problem within the relationship.
My partner said that she feels unloved and that people have commented on my lack of affection, why behave one way in public and one way when we are alone I don't understand... maybe it is some fear of commitment?
It has led my partner to force affection onto me within public and it is something I am aware I am not too comfortable with.. it sounds all very disfunctional....and has been the bain of my life for years something which people always comment on, although I am a very affectionate person in private...... overly so!!! It is a strange thing to think about and possibly I am embarressed by it so I don't do it.
Being shown so little affection from my parents when I was younger has possibly added to it from the outset.
It does make me feel vunerable when I do it in public! 
 
If I do not overcome this I will surely be worse off in any realtionship !!!!

[Ami]

Dear Gareth,
  My first response is "So what, if you are not "PDA". That is just your personal style. Is there more to the story,though? Do you actively "flirt"  with other woman? Do you act as if you are a "single" person?
Do you,in any way, scorn your partner in public or act as if you are not "with her'. If not, I would just respect your particular "values" of not liking PDA
  To me,if that is your personal style and you,.inside yourself, are comfortable with it, then, and you need to 'own " it                              Love  to you  Ami
     

[gareth]

I certainly don't flirt with other women far from it, and I am not sure what a single man acts like!! but within a group situation I find it difficult to address a group I find it much easier to address people individually and talk one on one, my ex said that this made people I talked to feel special, more special than her, but it is just my style I am shy at heart and find it difficult to have multiple conversations, and so it appered that my attention i.e. my affection was being directing elsewhere.

Now my current girlfriend is aware of this problem and says she does not feel like someone special when we are in a group.
She has stated that other people have said to her that I behave like we are not together which I find frustrating.

Fact is I am "very" affectionate in private, just not in public, which confuses my girlfriend.

Aside from this which has happened recently, friends are curious as to whether we are a "couple" and I brush this comment off because I am not sure if I trust her completly yet because of the way we got together!
and I have stated that we just take it easy for a while, but she is very keen to push the realtionship further.

[Ami]

Dear Gareth,
   The" PDA " is the tip of the iceberg. It is the issue in the forefront. You sound really conflicted about  wanting  her as a serious  g/f  or wanting to back off. I would think that you should look within and define what you want and then communicate this to her. Do you want to go forward OR slow down.? You,obviously, cannot go in opposite directions at the same time.
    It seems like  this "type" of confusion  exists   and maybe, that is the deeper issue                               
                                                                                                         Warmly   Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Gareth,
I've often read about the lack of PDA, and have felt very hurt by it myself.

Most of the time, it proved to be a major signal of a man's ambivalence toward being exclusive, committed, a couple, The Man in My Life.
Private affection is lovely, but sometimes that's about sex, not commitment.

I feel that if a man really loves me, he will be connected to me in public. I don't need sidewalk necking, but likewise I don't need to feel I've slammed into a refrigerator when I send a signal in public that I'd like to be acknowledged.

I remember yearning for him simply to put an arm around me. To introduce me WITH his arm around me and a warm glance my way.
To feel, when we're out together, that we're together. For him to not let go of the thread that binds us just because other people can see him. His great self-consciousness is off-putting, because it makes any outing all about his comfort zone, not about enjoying an experience together.

When a man maintains a very different boundary or sense of "space" around him when others can witness than he does in private, it now means to me that this man may be enjoying me, particularly in private, but he is not seriously weighing a future together.

If you can still have very focused one-on-one conversations with OTHER people (especially women) when you're out together, then if you care for her but feel avoidant or paranoid about any sign that you're With Her, perhaps you should have mercy on her and end it.

If she wants your full commitment and behaves as though she would give hers, but you have no clear answer from within yourself, you owe her honesty.

Being blunt since it's been a long day and since it strikes a nerve...I don't mean to offend you.

best,
Hopalong

[isittoolate]

PDA
What a topic!

N only gave me a peck on the cheek when he was bragging about his expertise last night, that was a complete failure! If he had stopped watching all that porn until 3:00 a.m., there might have been 'something' there for upstairs!--wonder what the floor looks like down in his workshop beside his computer.

Glad he did his own laundry!

He used 6 cakes of soap to my 2. so I made him buy his own and suggested he might find some donut shaped bars!

Oh Back to PDA. Being in a wheelchiar he talked 'over my head' to strangers at the hockey games, to strangers at the movies, etc, when proper etiquette is to hunker down or pull up a chair and talk to ME!

NEVER AGAIN!

Izzy