Adventures With Mom

[tayana]

Routine is a big thing for him.  He didn't get to go to the library this week, and it really upset him.  We usually go every Saturday.  I told him we might go tonight, just so he gets to go.  Although I don't really have time for it with all the packing that still needs to get done, and I also have my T session tonight.  I told him we really shouldn't borrow too many things from the library right now, since they'll get lost in the move.

One of the things I'm planning to do is create a family schedule, like on SuperNanny, so that we have set times for everything and he knows what to expect.  We're also going to have consistent house rules, not this it's okay one day, and not okay the next.

I'm hoping he learns to like this new place, and after we talked about all the positives last night, he seemed more enthusiastic.

She wants to rule him/you with fear.

Can you imagine if she wins that one?

In either case?

I'm glad I'm doing this now, and not in a few more years when M is a little older, and Grandma has consistently let him get away with things she shouldn't, and then instilled in him this sense of he can never do anything right.

I remember when I was about 13, and I had to take Home Ec.  One of our projects was to sew a shirt.  Well, I knew nothing about sewing, and I did my best with the shirt, but my sleeves were uneven and I'd sewed the shirt crooked.  My mother ridiculed my efforts, ripping out what I'd done and sewed it herself.  It always felt like such a cheat when my shirt was selected to hang in a special display, and I'd not done anything with it.  I never wore it.  I also never tried to sew again.  To this day, my mother routinely brings up my failings with my one attempt at sewing if I even mention the subject.  I would like to learn to sew now, but I've never said a thing to my mother, because she would only throw my failure in my face.

I think part of growing is learning and trying new things, even if we don't like them.  I don't believe in trying something once and quitting, but at least giving it a fair shot before putting it aside.  I taught myself to knit out of sheer determination, even though my mother told me I couldn't do it.

M wants to try things, and he consistently hears, you wouldn't like it.  You'll only get hurt.  I want him to be able to try new things, because I never got to.

Typical kids have just as much trouble with transitions and sometimes he handles the transitions and conversations about them better than any child could.  That's bc you rock as a mama.

I don't know how much he really listens, and how much he just tunes me out.  He does that alot, just tunes me out.  It seems like we've been having the "I don't want to move" discussion at least once a week since we started talking about it.  I guess last night was my lucky night.

Thanks for the confidence, Lighter, I really needed that.  I hope I do rock as a mama.  I'm going to need every ounce of mama strength I can get in the next few weeks I think.

[lighter]

You're a great mama, tayana.

Love the household schedule and love that you're keeping the positives in the conversation and adressing his fears, and yours.   

You are a great mama, ((((tayana))))) keep it up and keep moving. 

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,                                                                                                                                           I wanted to say that we, as parents , make decisions that we think are best, whether or not the child "likes" it. Our job is to be the decision maker. I know that I have made many decisions that my children hated and ranted and raved about .Most were good for them and later they appreciated it. However, at the time, their ranting and raving was "immaterial: to what I, as the "boss" thought was best. IOW, don't pay that much attention to your son's 'ups and downs"
    You have to get away from her in order to survive, he does,too                  Love  Ami

[tayana]

Lighter and Ami, I've pretty much told him that sometimes I have to make decisions he doesn't like, but that we would be be fine.

My T gave me an assignment tonight.  I'm supposed to make two lists one about all of the things  that are good about me and one about all the negative things.  I'm dreading it.  He basically told me tonight that my mother is crazy and trying to make me crazy too.  He told me she didn't have the capacity to give me her blessing or approval, and I just had to let that go.  He told me that I'd made really thick walls. and they weren't thick enough.  He said that I needed to do this exercise and this move so that I would be open to new friendships and relationships.  It seems like a daunting task, and I'm dreading it.

On the upside, my dishwasher got fixed today.

[Sela]

Hi Tayana:

Been following along when I get a chance to read and I want to say:  Congratulations!  On confronting your mom and sticking with your plan and staying cool!     You're doing a great job, including with your son!  I have a feeling you're both going to be just fine, as you have told him!

When you make your lists, maybe it would help to do the positive one first?  Then, when you do the negative one...stop after every negative thought and ask yourself:  "Is this really true?" and if it is, "Is it something I can work on to change?".  We all have negative stuff we don't like about ourselves and it's not easy to take account like that.  At least if we think about the possibility of some change, it's something to look forward to.  And that's where you're going.......forward!!  Hooray!!

Re sewing.  That was mean, what she said and did!!  I bet you can do what you set your mind to!  I think of sewing as a skill people can learn.....like cooking.  Anyone can follow a recipe and come out with a good dish, as long as we don't start off trying something too involved and tricky eh?  And with practice...some get to be really fine cooks!  Sewing is very similar, imo.

How about quilting?  Maybe you can look at some books when you take your son to the library?  Quilting can be done by hand with any fabric kicking around (so you don't need to invest a lot in it and can easily self-teach).  My first quilt was made from 7 of my favorite shirts from teenagehood.  I cut them into squares and made a lap quilt.  It was very simple but it was somehow a comfort to throw over on a cold winter night.  I still have it.  Maybe you'll decide to try your hand at some handy work?  Why not?  I think pot holders are a great way to start, since the end product won't take too long and is always useful.  Banish all thoughts of failure! (implanted in bygone days!).  You can do what you decide to do!!

Sela

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
    How did it feel when the T said that your mother was "crazy".? How exactly did he say it? I went to shrinks since I was a kid. They never told me anything directly. I got really sick b/c no one would say,'Your mother is crazy. You are not imaging it.
  They always "coded" words, so at the end you had no idea what they were really saying". That is why I like Vaknin. It is up front and direct like taking a nasty, disgusting medicine. Well, an NPD mother is nasty , disgusting and horrible.
   Anyway, when the T said that you need to find friendships etc-- Did that seems daunting?Do you really doubt yourself, as I do, b/c of all the N craziness in your head? They gave us such horrible self doubt  and insecurity.                        Love  Ami

[tayana]

Ami, his exact words after I'd made a long disparaging remark about myself, I think I was expressing frustration that she wasn't being normal about all this was, "Your mother is the crazy one, and she's trying to make you crazy too."  He's very direct and blunt.  I like that.  Actually, he doesn't say much, mostly I talk, and he asks questions about what I say.  Finding new friendships/relationships scares me to death.  I'm not good at it, and like I told my T, I have no confidence at all in that arena.  I told him that I didn't think there was much at all about  myself that was lovable, and I didn't know why anyone would want me.  So, I got the list assignment.

Sela, I would love to learn quilting.  I always thought that would be fun.  I think the craft store has classes, but I'll have to check into the cost.  I did teach myself to knit, so maybe I can teach myself to sew too.  It was very mean, what she did.  She still has the shirt somewhere, and anytime I've mentioned sewing or quilting she brings up that disaster.

As for the lists, it's the positive side I have problems with.  In my session last night, I could only come up with two items for my positive side, and about ten for the negative side.  That's bad isn't it?  I was told I needed to add some more things about the good stuff I do at work and being a good mom and maybe some physical characteristics.  I cringed at that last one.  I like my appearance even less than I like anything else about myself.

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
   I ask about the friendship thing b/c I think that this wil be the next area that will come up in my healing. I think that trusting other people is all about "knowing yourself" I am just in the begging stage of this ,though   
 Did it affirm you when the T said that your M was the crazy one--- not you?. Did it penetrate to your core or were there so many layers of her" blaming" you that it will take  a lot of time to process the 'Ts statement and put it in your heart?                             Love    Ami

[tayana]

Ami,

I wasn't expecting such a blunt statement from him really.  I just sat there for a long time and couldn't say anything, and all I could think was, "you mean, it's not just me?"  I'd told him I grew up thinking there was something terribly wrong with me, and I could never figure out what that was.  I didn't feel like I fit with my family.  The only person who seemed to understand was my brother and we haven't been close since I was about 13.  That might change now.  It was a very validating moment to have someone say, "you aren't the crazy one."  For years, my mother has told me I need to stop living in my fantasy world because none of my dreams were going to happen. 

I had told my T I thought I was really messed up, and he told me that I wasn't messed up, that my mother had worked on messing me up.  It was just really nice to have someone say, "it's not you.  You'll be fine."

[Lupita]

There is no win with N mom. They never accept the truth. Never. We need to stop fighting and accept reality. We cant change them. Just accept them and minimize the damage.

It is so important that you are becoming independent!!!

We are so proud of you!!!!!

Cant wait till I hear you saying you are in your new place. Cant wait to read about your experiences in your own place.

God bless you.

[Hopalong]

Hi Tay,
It's not you. You're not the crazy one. You're going to be better than fine.
(You're cute, too.)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hops

[tayana]

I'm cute?  Now, no one has ever said that to me. 

Thanks Hops.  I told my brother it's really bad that we've both been in therapy and neither one of us are the crazy ones. 

I talked to him last night, and this morning I was told he was in a bad mood yesterday.  He seemed fine when I talked to him though.

[tayana]

It gets better and better and better.

I received a letter from my attorney today.  The creditor in my lawsuit has contested our motion, claiming I did have knowledge of the case.  Reading through the court documents I was sent, apparently my mother inpersonated me both in person and on the phone.  In the one recorded conversation, I wasn't even in my office at work.  Our building's basement had flooded and we'd been relocated to a temporary location during reconstruction.  I couldn't have talked to them.  All postal correspondence had been intercepted.  She even signed my name on an affidavit with the attorney she hired!  I never saw it either. 

I really think I hate that woman.  I'm going to have to go to an evidenciary hearing now so a judge can determine if I should have known about the court case.

[lighter]

tayana:

I hope your attorney CARES and believes you.  This whole thing is improbable and so..... people will tend to dismiss such things, out of hand, if you don't have an advocate that does SOMETHING out of the ordinary. 

He should be behind you, believe in you and have some fire with regard to making sure the Judge understands that this in nt an ordinary case of a dead beat daughter passing the buck, yet again, to the poor parents who have been shouldering their adult child's financial burdens.

Do you have verification that it's NOT YOUR SIGNATURE on those papers?  What do you have to do in order to FIND THAT?

Do you have affidavits concerning your whereabouts when your office was flooded so you couldn't POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN AT THE OFFICE TO RECEIVE A CALL?

Do you have your i's dotted?  T's crossed?

Short succint affidavits starting out with  "I am Ron Jones.  I am tayana's boss.  I am over the age of 18 years and come this day to swear Ms. Tayana could not have taken any phone calls at our ____ office on the 13th of November. 

Our office was flooded and closed that day.

RON JONES  6/14/07


_________________________                                      __________________________
 Signature                                                                    Notaries signature and date





If you have examples of your signature to view next to the fake signatures of your mother, then spend the time to choose the most obviouse examples that make your point.  Choose 5 or 10.  Get a statement from an expert in handwriting that breaks down the differences, if you can and have time. 

Your attorney won't do this for you.  YOU WILL STILL BE RUNNING YOUR OWN CASE!  Make the most of it and see if you can't get that maniacle b*tch on tape talking about what she's done.  RADIO SHACK.  about 35.00 to 75.00 stick it in your bra and point it at her while you ask her why she took credit cards out in your name.  Tell her you may forgive her and NOT MOVE OUT IF she can apologize and promise to never do it again.  That sort of thing. 

I wish you well and keep moving forward, dear. 

[tayana]

Lighter,

The attorney has mentioned getting a handwriting analyst.  As soon as I talk to him, and find out what he will or won't do for me, I will be gathering affidavits or whatever I need. 

No chance of getting her to admit what she's done.  She flat denied it the last time I confronted her.  She refused to admit she had taken out the card.  She told me she had a different card and it had been sold several times.  She forged my signature evidently using my signature, so it looks pretty authentic.

I wouldn't even jest that I won't move.  I was so mad, I vacuumed my apt at lunch.  I attacked that carpet like it was something evil.

I'm going to get out.  I'm going to get settled, and I'm going to find a job a long way from this insanity and move closer to my friend, who's better family, than my family.