Is it me?

[RESARN]

I know in my heart of hearts it's not - but.........
My fiance is the typical N.  He totally swept me off my feet with his charm.  Here I am a travel nurse 2000 miles from home and feeling rather lonely.  Needless to say overweight, no (not low) self esteem - thanks to my first alcoholic husband of 18 years.  He says something seductively witty about what he would like to do with me.  I say go away - he does not and here we are 6 years later engaged.  According to my father - who I adore, I should be proud to have someone as handsome, witty, hard worker and charming as he is.  Men like him usually don't go fo fat women.  If he only knew the truth.  My life is a farce.  He drives a Mercedes convertible with expired tags and has the bank calling at least twice a day for a payment.  He stands next to his car stating doesn't it just scream money. UGH......

I want out but don't want to lose everything I have on top of being homeless.  I lost everything 3 years ago when my other home 2000 miles away burned.  I do not have the energy to start over again.  Nor do I want to give him one thing.  We bought our home two years ago and in that time he has payed two house notes.  He stated that I would have to have a home anyway - so I should pay the note.  He can go to his mothers.

Now about her.  She is dying of cancer.  And by his maliciousness, when she dies, he gets everything.  Not one penney goes to his other 6 siblings.  They are all angry with her even though I've been trying to set them straight.  Hr feels that he is entitled to it because he never married.  Sick huh.

I know one day I will have enough and walk out.  I pray daily for that strength.  Meanwhile I just pray for peace and coping mechanisms.  Resa

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Resa.
Thank god you didn't marry him. And neither weight nor helplessness are permanent things.

May I suggest you go to a preliminary visit with the best local lawyers, and ask each of them what preparations you should make? I don't know that family law specialty matters, but someone familiar with property law, etc., will help you.

It's really important that you be armed with facts, with your own safe deposit box, safe places for storage of important papers, etc.

Good luck, and thank god you're getting out.

Hopalong

[Ami]

Dear Resa,
   I am sorry for the deception and pain that you endured. It is a horror show . I understand  b/c I have a N mother.
                               Keep Writing and Sharing. You are not alone                         Love   Ami

[lighter]

Welcome Resa:

Glad you see that you have to leave.  Careful planning and leaving are very important.  Keep posting.  Everyone here understands what you're going through. 

[guest101]

I want out but don't want to lose everything I have on top of being homeless.

If you meditate on that confession, you'll realize that what you "have" with this man is nothing much at all - that it is not real or worth your continual suffering.

[RESARN]

No, I don't have much with him emotionally, but all of my posessions.  He will either trash of "steal" them.  Like I had said, I lost everything but my son to a fire three years ago and just don't have it in me to start again.  On the flip side, I'm too drained to take much more of this.  I want a miracle cure and realize there is not one.  I'm tired of hurting, feeling that my existance troubles him.  I just want what it used to be but can't.  Thanks for letting me rant.  It will work out for the best--------Thanks, Resa

[Hopalong]

When will he be gone for a day, Resa?
Can you plan one day where you have your son occupied elsewhere, arrange for volunteers (ask a volunteer organization such as a women's center) to help...and move your stuff into a storage unit, even if you don't have time to pack it nicely?

And just leave a note, pick your son up, and go home to your new apartment?

Or something like that?

Hops

[RESARN]

Hop - We are both nurses and there are two days a week that he works and I don't.  I am presently seeking council about the legal aspects of our home but the answers are not ones that I want to hear.  Our lives are so tightly entwined (?sp).  When I move, it will have to be all at once.  We have the same friends, work at the same hospital - everything about us short of personality deficits (LOL) are very similar.  I have no one to talk to.  If anything gets back to him - life would not be sweet.  He is extremely paranoid along with other things.  Another nurse was helping him turn his patient and she stated that Resa told me your mothers name is B------.  My mother's name is also B-------.  Isn't that a coincidence.  As soon as he saw me, he started interrogating me  "What were you telling Nurse B about my mother.  It couldn't have been good.  etc."  I'm afraid to do or say anything for fear that they know him or his family and my intentions will get back to him.  Just trying to figure things out in my head - its frustrating.  Thanks again for listening.  Resa

[lighter]

You're walking on eggshells Resa. 

I hate that for you and am so glad you understand how crazy his behavior is. 

You can get out and you can find new friends and support systems. 

If you want to, you will. 

((((resa))))) You already have new friends on this board. 

[RESARN]

Hi Lighter - Yes I walk on eggshells.  I am scared of him.  What he can do to me mentally, emotionally (I'm tired of hurting) and to my career.  I worked really hard after my divorce to build myself back up.  To even think I was worthy of breathing air.  I thought I had this mastered and he came along.  I kept the walls up for awhile and then let them down.  What happens, his true side comes out and eats me alive.  All those raw feelings have come back out.  The difference is now everyone thinks he is so wonderful because he only attacks when others aren't around.  When we're in public, he goes on and on how I'm such a good cook, a great person, blah, blah, blah.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  As said earlier, his mother is dying, I give him space.  It's quiet when he's gone.  He wasn't home by 5AM this morning so I called his mom's house to see if he was O.k.  He gets really upset and sarcastic because I said that I was waiting up for him.  Instead of saying that's nice but I'll be home later - go to sleep or nothing at all, I get ridiculed.  I want someone to appreciate me.  I've tried soooooo hard all my life to be good to people - treat them like you want to be treated.  I can't say I've received that in return.  I WANT OUT BUT I'm soo scared.  What would people think of me if I left him while his mother is dying?  You guys are great  RESA 

[Hopalong]

Ahh, Resa, that sounds claustrophobic.

I hope you can start to plan strategies here...
we can be your sounding board and "dry run" zone.

Makes me sad how many women feel trapped.

Hops

[RESARN]

Hops -

 I've never felt so alone in my life.  I'm 2000 miles from home and have fallen into a deep hole.  I can't talk to my family - heaven forbid, not another failed relationship!  And besides, he's such a nice guy - hah!  I must gather enough courage to find help.  I know it has to be out there.  Thanks again - must go another call bell ringing.  Take care - Resa

To the world you may just be one person but to one person you may be the world!

[Ami]

Dear Resa,
   I am so,very, very sorry. Don't feel like you are" ranting". If "ranting is "wrong", I am  guilty.
    You are not alone any more. We understand.
    I was so alone my whole life with an N mother. No one would validate my realty. I thought that I was crazy.
   I am just coming out of it,now. It is horrible b/c they can hide it so well.
   It would be much easier if it were a more"overt" mental illness,in a way.
   Keep sharing,my friend                                           Love    Ami

[Hopalong]

I would think while his mother is dying might present an excellent opportunity to get out of there.
When a man is abusive and strikes fear in your heart, all etiquette is off.

You could leave a compassionate letter about his loss.

I'm really glad you've spoken to a lawyer. Don't really understand what they said to you, but I'm sorry it wasn't news you wanted.

I'd advise getting a mailbox and safe deposit box, if you need to start farming out papers to safe storage.

More than one woman has walked away from things with little but her personal documents.

I'm glad you have a profession that will always always be in demand.

You can rebuild your life. Right now, we just need to get you to the next step.

Hops

[Lupita]

Nothing is more important than you. A house is not more important than you. Material possessions ar not more important than you.
I have been alone for 15 years and left my husband 15 years ago with nothing. He got house, all our belongings, everything. I did not even fight for child support so he did not take my son away on vacation (I was protecting my son).

Now after 15 years I feel totally satisfied because my son is healthy and sane, safe, 20 years old in college. I got him out of an extremely toxic environment. My son and I started from zero. I started living in a project, very old car, job of six sollars an hour. Now I have a new car and live in a decent apartment.

If I could survive, you can. There is no doubdt that you can do it. There is nothing more important than you and the love and safety of your son.

You can, you can do it. I know you can.

My love is with you and my prays are with you. God will help you.