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is he an N?

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debbyo:
I've just broken off with a man I'd been seeing for 3 months -in fact I moved state with my children to live with him but it all went terribly wrong so moved back home. He has been calling me and emailing me and has wanted to get back together. The other night when he asked me to go back to him I said that i was afraid his idea of love was a very idealised type. He wanted romance and excitement and reasurrance all the time but if I had a problem he didn't really want to listen. He became very angry and said if I don't like him the way he is that there are 3 women at work who are after him so he'll be fine. Another thing he said was if we were to get back together, if I ever had problems he'd prefer I "made an appointment" with him because he's not often in the mood to hear people's problems. He also said that if were are having a discussion about anything I should not try to win because it makes him feel completely worthless. In fact if I find I disagree with him, I could either keep it to myself or kiss him and tell him he is wonderful and that I love him more than anyone in the world. I said what if you are yelling at me? He said "I never yell" (he does often) - but no matter what, I should try to make him feel better. I asked would he do the same thing for me and he started screaming and said he is young and has a lot of opportunities, I'm old and don't have much chance of getting anyone. I started getting angry and told him it was a horrible thing to say - and he said you are a complete narcissist. So I looked it up and it all looked very familiar - especially the no empathy. Once when I was crying because I missed my friends, he walked away saying "I've done everything I can to look after you and all you can do is make me feel completely worthless". I am very confused. Can anyone tell me, is he just self-centred or is he in fact a narcissist?

debbyo:
He also used to withdraw for weeks. He told me it was because he was depressed so I tried not to put pressure on him. The he would snap back and everything would be fun again. It wasn't just disagreeing with him that would infuriate him (even on the most trivial matters), even in conversations about what's going on in the world, he always thought it was a personal dig. Like if I felt sorry for refugees, I was trying to make out he was cold. If it something about feminism, I was putting him down as a man. If it was about a movie I didn't like, i was being snobbish and critical, if I liked someone, then I was just unfavourably comparing them with him. there didn't seem to be a topic of conversation that I could risk except telling him how wonderful he is. Once I told him I was upset and needed to talk to him, he said you are so demanding, can we do it another time, then started talking about the great decisions he made at work that day. Because i didn't look so keen, he said I was so self-centred and showed no interest in him. Maybe was just depressed. I don't know. When we went out he always wanted my to get really dressed-up so he could show me off. I thought that was sweet at the time, now i wonder. He still calls, but I'm strating to think there is something wrong with him. I don't want to abandon someone who is depressed but I feel that there is nothing I can do for him except annihilate any need i have of my own.

Karin:
Hi Debbyo,
Welcome!
It sounds very much to me that he is a narcissist. All N's are self-centered and from what you write, this man doesn't appear to give a thought to anybody except his 'wonderful' self.
Good for you for getting out of there and away from him, you deserve better.
This site has a wealth of information, so read on and hopefully you'll understand more about these (N) people and how to deal with them.
Take care,
Karin.

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: debbyo ---

He has been calling me and emailing me and
he wanted to get back together.

He wanted romance and excitement and reasurrance all the time but if I had a problem he didn't really want to listen.

He became very angry and said if I don't like him the way he is that
there are 3 women at work who are after him so he'll be fine.

if we were to get back together, if I ever had problems
he'd prefer I "made an appointment" with him because he's not often in the mood to hear people's problems.

He also said that if were are having a discussion about anything
I should not try to win because it makes him feel completely worthless.

In fact if I find I disagree with him, I could either keep it to myself or kiss him and tell him he is wonderful and that I love him more than anyone in the world.

I said what if you are yelling at me? He said "I never yell" (he does often) - but no matter what,
I should try to make him feel better.

I asked would he do the same thing for me and he started screaming and said he is young and has a lot of opportunities,
I'm old and don't have much chance of getting anyone.

I started getting angry and told him it was a horrible thing to say -
and he said you are a complete narcissist.

Once when I was crying because I missed my friends, he walked away saying "I've done everything I can to look after you and all you can do is make me feel completely worthless".

I am very confused. Can anyone tell me, is he just self-centred or is he in fact a narcissist?
--- End quote ---


Sounds like he's very clear on what he wants in a relationship. What do you want in a relationship. Obviously you've already decided, not his crap.

But I don't know what he is, I think Narcissist or NPD more likely would just be for starters. Plenty of other hangups and disorders and the odd syndrome thrown in too I imagine. What an insecure f%$@*ed up little jerk. 3 other woman at work, huh, sounds like a delusion he's got. Let him at them for 3 months and they'll be running for the hills.

Decent guys who respect women as equals and value their friendship and relationship don't say stuff like that. And the comment about you being old, oh that was so cruel. Are you okay?

It sounds like he's still making your life hell? I would put call block on my phone and get him out of my head and my life. In my humble opinion he's degraded and abused you. Because of this, I believe he's lost the right even to your friendship after speaking like that to you. And yes, he's self-centred to the marrow. You can't rescue him. Life's too short.

To all of his "I wants", and "I needs", and "could you please make an appointment to talk to me if you're upset", and his, "If you disagree with me, don't tell me, just tell me how wonderful I am," bullshit, I'd like to say to him, "Has anyone ever told you that if you keep talking like that you'll go blind."


Guest.

Portia:
Hi debbyo

You said it:


--- Quote ---there is nothing I can do for him except annihilate any need i have of my own.
--- End quote ---

And therefore lose yourself completely. Nobody is worth that, no-one – ! And presumably this subjects your kids to his wonderful, all-consuming presence too? How are they? What do they think of him? Gosh, leave it alone debbyo! Want to talk more?

Oh Guest you’ve put an image of the N into my mind that I really didn’t want!  :wink: P

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