Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
is he an N?
write:
I told him that I wasn't willing to surrender all my needs to make him feel good
good for you, because it sounds like you did exactly that when you got involved with him.
Getting to know someone slowly and calling a halt at the first signs of abuse is more healthy.
For many of us who were 'educated' by dysfunctional parents we have learned a skewed definition of what is healthy or 'normal' in relationships, and need to work on ourselves to straighten this out before we can choose happy mutually beneficial relationships.
For issues of codependency this is informative http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/codependency.htm
Good luck, and keep taking care of yourself.
MCKINND:
I HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH A "N" FOR 14 YRS AND I NEVER KNEW WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS, I WAS ALWAYS THINKING THINGS WOULD EVENTUALLY GET BETTER!!! THEY GOT WORSE WITH AGE.
HE HATED HIS OWN CHILD AND MINE BY A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE, NOW MY CHILD IS IN PRISION AND WILL PROBABLY BE THERE MOST HIS LIFE AND I AM WONDERING WHAT PART THE "N'" COULD OF PLAYED IN THE PERSON HE HAS BECOME. I NEVER LOVED SO DEEP, BUT HE ONLY LOVED HIMSELF, THE EMOTIONAL STRESS WAS UNREAL, I WAS CRYING MOST OF THE TIME. THEN I STARTED ANALYZING EVERYTHING, MY LIFE, MY CAREER, MY RELATIONSHIPS, AND I HAD NOTICED HE HAD MADE IT TO WHERE NO ONE WOULD COME SEE ME, THEY WERE AFRAID OF HIS WICKED MEAN WORDS. I TOLD HIM THAT IF HE DIDN'T CHANGE HE WOULD EVENTUALLY KILL EVERYTHING I HAD FOR HIM. I PRAYED VERY HARD THEN I FOUND OUT THE DEFINITION OF THE "N", I HAD NEVER EVEN HEARD OF IT. I DONE RESEARCH ON IT. THEN ABOUT A MONTH AGO, I PACKED UP MY THINGS, I MOVED OUT, I FEEL LIKE 5000 LBS HAVE BEEN LIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS, I AM HAPPY AND NO MORE WALKING ON EGG SHELLS TRYING TO PLEASE THE ONE WHO CAN NOT BE PLEASED.
HE CALLS AND BEGS BUT I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE AND I KNOW THE TREATMENT WOULD RESUME ONCE HE HAD ME BACK. I NOW DON'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR HIM AND HE DON'T UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE HE KNEW HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM.
I'M SO GLAD THAT I LEARNED THIS WAS A NO WIN SITUATION AND I AM GLAD I AM NOW FREE.
Anonymous:
Hi McKinnd, and a big :D warm welcome
--- Quote ---HE HATED HIS OWN CHILD AND MINE BY A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE, NOW MY CHILD IS IN PRISION AND WILL PROBABLY BE THERE MOST HIS LIFE AND I AM WONDERING WHAT PART THE "N'" COULD OF PLAYED IN THE PERSON HE HAS BECOME.
--- End quote ---
Gosh, I'm stunned and I feel like all I can say to that is, "How awful for you and for your son." Children don't thrive in hate, and your mother's heart knows that now. You probably knew it then too, but Narcissist's can be so charming and seductive and unfortunately can have us living on 'false hopes' for decades. And when we wake up we've suffered so much loss, and so often, so have those close to us as well. It's so sad, and your situation with your child is tragic.
--- Quote ---I NEVER LOVED SO DEEP, BUT HE ONLY LOVED HIMSELF, THE EMOTIONAL STRESS WAS UNREAL, I WAS CRYING MOST OF THE TIME. THEN I STARTED ANALYZING EVERYTHING, MY LIFE, MY CAREER, MY RELATIONSHIPS, AND I HAD NOTICED HE HAD MADE IT TO WHERE NO ONE WOULD COME SEE ME, THEY WERE AFRAID OF HIS WICKED MEAN WORDS.
--- End quote ---
Reducing your family and support network to just him, how convenient.
--- Quote ---I TOLD HIM THAT IF HE DIDN'T CHANGE HE WOULD EVENTUALLY KILL EVERYTHING I HAD FOR HIM. I PRAYED VERY HARD THEN I FOUND OUT THE DEFINITION OF THE "N", I HAD NEVER EVEN HEARD OF IT. I DONE RESEARCH ON IT.
--- End quote ---
I'm glad you found out about Narcissisum. All of the sudden a whole lot of insane stuff sudenly makes sense, doesn't it. And you start to realise it isn't your imagination. It's not that there's something wrong with you, or only you. The other person may have worse problems.
--- Quote ---THEN ABOUT A MONTH AGO, I PACKED UP MY THINGS, I MOVED OUT, I FEEL LIKE 5000 LBS HAVE BEEN LIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS, I AM HAPPY AND NO MORE WALKING ON EGG SHELLS TRYING TO PLEASE THE ONE WHO CAN NOT BE PLEASED.
HE CALLS AND BEGS BUT I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE AND I KNOW THE TREATMENT WOULD RESUME ONCE HE HAD ME BACK. I NOW DON'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR HIM AND HE DON'T UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE HE KNEW HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM.
I'M SO GLAD THAT I LEARNED THIS WAS A NO WIN SITUATION AND I AM GLAD I AM NOW FREE
--- End quote ---
.
Isn't that great. :D that you feel free. At first is seems sad to close the door on 14 years of hopes, but when you realise they were false hopes, I think the sadness changes to relief. I'm glad you're free too. I hope you spend some time here talking and sharing. And getting your strength back. :D 14 years is a long time to have the life, and individuality, and laughter, and hopes sucked out of you.
I'm so glad you posted McKinnd, and I hope you post some more.
CG
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