Glad to hear you didn't allow him to waste your time..... or dignity.
Time to ignore him like he's an unwelcome ghost stalking you with maliciouse intent to do harm to you.
Keep in mind, it takes an average of 6 weeks NO CONTACT (with your average bear stalker) to get him to lose interest.
You HAVE to have contact with him bc of the divorce. Darnit.
If you find you can't keep it ALL BUSINESS, then ask your attorney to demand all future correspondence go through his office. Have you begun shopping attorneys?
Begin shutting down anything and everything that your N has access to.
Close joint bank accounts. Savings accounts. Who's name is on the house, utilities, tax bill, car insurance, tag information, car titles, safety deposit box, who has access to important papers? Did you file jointly on your taxes? How are you handling that? When was the last instance of physical abuse? Can you file charges now? Are you afraid he'll hurt you again? Should you be?
Unfortunately, attorneys and pretty much everyone tends to downplay physical violence. Don't do it to yourself. Domestic violence needs to be noted in the file as a factor in dealing with the divorce. DO NOT LET THEM PHRASE IT IN SOME CUTE WAY THAT DISMISSES IT!
Now... playing devil's advocate for ya here..... the reason they want to downplay the violence and any other cause of action, like cheating, is because it muddies the water and adds time to the proceedings. Most people file under Irreconcilable Differences, no matter what happened because it's easiest and in my state, the division of property is still 50/50 no matter what happened in the marriage.
Downplaying violence in the beginning makes it harder to looke consistent and credible if your N behaves abusively towards you during the divorce proceeding. It's a catch 22, damned if you do and damned if you don't. He'll whine and complain and say he has nothing but goodwill towards you if you file the divorce alleging cruel treatment. He'll likely continue to be cruel if you don't. Eh... he'll probably be cruel no matter but, you see how this goes?
Go to radio shack and get a slim little voice recorder. I've used the Sony ICD-BH300 and had good luck. Olympus makes one that that works well too. You can record conversations with him face to face, conceal it or let him know you're recording. Use your discretion.
You can also record phone conversations. I bought the Olympus TP7, which is in a little bnox about 3" by 1/2". It's a small ear piece, cord and plug adaptors. It's suitable for cell phones. You insert the earpiece into your ear and put the phone against it so voice travels through earpiece, which is attached to MICROPHONE outlet on phone. HOLD THE RECORDER AWAY FROM THE PHONE OR THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION WILL BE ONE BIG DISAPOINTING SQIU&EELING NOISE YOUR HEART CAN'T TAKE!
BTW, most of the people selling this stuff won't know any more than you do and they tend to take your money then send you out the door with impossibly wrong information that will waster your money and hours of your time and cause you lost opportunity. Sorry so long but this is so frustrating when it happens to you!
Keep the recorder on you, making sure the cord isn't all messed up bc you'll pull the cord out of the recorder when you try to distance it from the phone in a hurry. Not good. You can always take your time then return a missed call after you get things situated and make sure you go over the record button and where to put recorder while recording. Just drop it in your purse or something. Be careful about what you say, remain calm and don't talk long. If he's threatening you, get it the first time, not later when he's wants to chat amicably and downplay the threats and abuse. You may not be afraid of him at this point. I hope he just lets you go without any trouble. Believe me, I do.
Do you need another credit card before you file? There are lots of offers out there.... choose something with 0% interest through at least August of 2008. Transfer balances from higher rate credit cards. Prepare yourself for war. No. Prepare yourself for an extended war, worst case scenario. Get your records together. Expect him to make insane demands for things he has no claim to. Expect him to drag this out. Hit him hard with the divorce when you strike and keep him off balance. Make sure your attorney understands that your N will most likely promise to cooporate then drag his feet and sabotage you at every turn.
Most attorneys will SAY that they understand N's. They will say they've heard it all. Most divorces even normal people go a little nuts. THIS IS DIFFERENT. Your N will almost certainly be deviouse and criminal in his dealings with you. Try to be as proactive as you can with protecting yourself in every direction.
Finding a COMPETENT attorney is key. Finding one that practices in your jurisdiction/county regularly is key. Finding one that has spent time as a Prosecutor may help you find an attorney who really does understand what you're telling him about the character of your N/sociopath. Interviewing female attorneys known for aggressively defending the rights of abused women might be the way you go. You have options and you should explore them all. Your N can't hire anyone you've spoken to either. Even if you have a short contact by phone, have your name put on their contact list so they don't even take your N's phone calls.
Do you need to close private checking accounts? Can you account for every check? He may have stolen checks from the back of a book you have lying in the box of new unused checks. Can you account for all your credit cards? Do you have any joint credit cards?
Begin journaling about your day. What you did and what time. That you are living in a bona fide state of separation starting on this day. You don't want him charging 30K in new tvs and sterios only to find your stuck with half that debt, right?
Change your passwords. Get new accounts set up, if in doubt. ALL NEW STARTING NOW is a great idea. It also shows you are consistent and separate as of now. He won't have access. If he has your cellphone, he has all the information in it too. EVERYTHING. Do you need to change things TODAY? Make a list and begin methodically going through it. Walking meditation for ya. It will provide peace of mind and help you feel more in charge of your destiny, powerful and less at his mercy if you do these things.
What about insurance? Who's paying that? Who's on it? Do you need to cancel it or take him off your policy..... get insurance for yourself? DO IT NOW while you can still think. It only gets worse when the attorney bills begin and N begins messing with anything and everything he can in order to punish and lash out at you for attacking him with the divorce and robbing him of hiis God given right to exploit you.
Protect your credit. Is he on your cellphone account? Are you on his? He can have your phone suspended if he's on it.... or cancelled. He can put a pass word on it if he has the last 4 digits of your SS# and knows the billing address. You'll have to go into the store and produce ID to change the password and get your phone turned back on. No big deal but..... he can do that even if he's not on the account. Be proactive where you can. If it's his cellphone account, you can have your number transferred ONLY WHILE IT'S STILL AN ACTIVE NUMBER. Once he puts it on suspend, you can't take it with you.
I realize I should have started a new thread for this. Sorry it's so long ((changing)) but I sure wish someone had told me all this before I started this process. You can also send copies of the STANDING ORDER to the insurance company and anyone else N may try to contact and make changes to accounts or policy's? To the bank or credit card companies too. To have on file. He shouldn't change anything once the Divorce has been filed, though the court won't life a finger to stop him if he does. What will happen is they will address it at the Temporary hearing, which you should get in 30 days but will prolly take about 45 to 90 days to get, so take copius notes and document document document. Set up files in advance so you don't become overwhelmed with paperwork and have a place to put your notes. Get a carry file that you can put things in for going out the door and keep up with easily. CHANGE THE LOCKS AND ALARM CODE AT HOME! Does he have a key to your car? Where is that extra key, btw? These are all things you should be on top of RIGHT NOW!
Good luck
