Interesting Website

[tayana]

I found this site today, and some of the articles were very interesting.

http://www.firelily.com/support/recovery/index.html

[Portia]

I love this website Tayana, been reading for over an hour probably. Thank you!

[isittoolate]

testing!
=========================
so I went back to an old post and tested and now I moved from 899 to 900.

[Hopalong]

What a loving article.
This woman truly wants to help.

Hops

[Confounded]

This article helpful as I try to avoid forgetting not to take N'ish bait.

So many attempts to hook me into disagreements, most of which are intended only to entertain the N'ish mind.  Sometimes these remarks are so inflammatory that I forget and take the bait.  Only after enduring the frustration and ultimately the pain that these exchanges bring, do I remember that I have a duty to myself to discount those argumentative statements down to zero.  He just wants to piss me off for the fun of it.

As noted in the article, nobody can make me angry.  When these things happen, I become angry.  But I don't have to do that.  I can ignore.  I can laugh.  I can say "You are so completely full of sh*t."

It's OK to defend and maintain your boundaries. Silence is one way; you don't owe anyone an explanation. Boundary maintenance is essentially an internal matter; your boundaries don't depend on what others say, think, feel, or believe.

You may choose to explain what you are doing, and also why (if you want). Remember to stay within your own boundaries when doing this, however; the fact that someone else has crashed on your boundaries is generally not a good reason to go crashing back.

I have a saying, "Paybacks are H*ll, especially mine."  In other words, "If you hurt me, I will hurt you worse."  I like the idea of not being available or vulnerable to the hurt, and not having to spend any time on payback.  It seems that the less seriously I take everything having to do with my H and his N tendencies, the better everything goes.  But I have a hard time not reacting to something sooner or later.

Any tips on ignoring and being invulnerable to foolish/deliberate N disagreements?

[Stormchild]

You may also choose to stand up for your right to a flame-free environment. By standing up, you will almost certainly catch some of the flames, so it is best to do this only if you are confident of your own boundaries. It is also good to remain within your own boundaries; it is OK to say, "I don't like this behavior," or to state your own position--and to state it strongly, if necessary. It is reasonable to say this once, but repeatedly defending your boundaries tells flamers that your boundaries are weak. Flamers will target this kind of weakness, instinctively, whether they understand it or not.

Remember that there is a difference between talking about behaviors, and talking about people. It is OK to say, "I don't like this behavior," but if you say, "Anyone who would commit this behavior is a _______," then you are also flaming. You have the right to flame, of course, but be ready to take responsibility for it, both by being a target of flaming, and by admitting to your flaming.

When flames start distorting the truth, maintaining your boundaries requires extra care. It is OK to say, "This is what I did" or "This is what I believe." When you say, "'_______' is a lie," then you imply that someone else is a liar. By implication, you have you have crossed the other person's boundaries; you have discounted their view of the world.

Flamers may not even realize that they are flaming. You have the choice to ignore them, just as you have the choice to tell them. But telling them more than once is rarely useful; people who listen with their mouths do not understand how to listen with their ears.

...

Finally, always remember that few flamers even understand the concept of boundaries. Often, silence is all they deserve.

Is it possible to carry on an open discussion of sensitive topics in the midst of a flame war? Yes, it is. You know whose opinions you respect. You know which options are right for you. Ignore the rest, and trust those whom you trust to ignore the rest also, at least where it has any relationship to you.

Having said all of this, I must also say that it isn't always easy to live by these guidelines. Always, it is important to admit to your mistakes, to examine them, and to learn from them. Having done that, it is time to move on with your life. Mistakes are past; you can sometimes correct them, and you can always learn to avoid repeating them. But you can't undo them, and it doesn't help anyone to beat yourself up for them.

Words to live by, tayana and bean. Thank you for bringing them here!