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Confession of Someone Infected
Tokyojim:
I have an N “friend” of 40 years, since high school.
I have wondered why I continued to maintain the friendship. It was fine from a distance – an occasional phone call and a brief meeting when I was in town. However, whenever the contact became more frequent, it soon becomes tedious, and I become frustrated or very angry. I cannot rely on him, I am embarrassed to introduce him to my real friends, and he has enraged me a number of times. I had pretty good parents, have no inclination toward codependency, was married a very stable woman, etc. So why did I maintain this “friendship?”
I reflected on this when it became unbearable and finally realized the terrible reasons. First, his energy and fantasies can be interesting in very small doses. However, much more than that, the disease was infectious! He had put the poison in my mind that I was really better than everyone else. How easy life becomes with that! Whenever there was some normal conflict and stress, I could retreat to my kingdom where I am superior to my surroundings, above it all. I have had a farily normal life – a marriage to a good woman, job success, and a couple of stable kids who are now grown. A couple of years ago, I went through a divorce, moved to a new town, and started a new job. I was alone and shaky, and the N went for the jugular. I got re-infected with the idea that I was superior to everyone and above it all, so the people around me were not worth any effort. How easy! I felt something was wrong. It was probably like a drug. There is a temporary good feeling, but one knows that one’s soul and humanity are being destroyed. I cut off the N supply two months ago. Naturally, he stopped contacting me. The result is amazing! I am enjoying people in the community, seeing their humanity, and they are contacting me.
I am writing this because I may have a different point of view. Most people here seem to have been intimately involved as a spouse or a child of an N. I became an infected person who absorbed the disease to some degree. So far, my healthy part won out, but the N thinking had to be fought before it destroyed me. Under its brief spell, I was incapable of love and friendship, and was becoming isolated. Of course, I still worry because some remains.
lynn:
--- Quote from: tokyojim ---Under its brief spell, I was incapable of love and friendship, and was becoming isolated.
--- End quote ---
Hi tokyojim, interesting observation. N's can be very persuasive, successful, visionary. While they may be destructive and fail miserably in personal relationships, they can be effective leaders. Whether we like them or not, some Ns do a magnificent job at getting things started, beginning companies, creating momentum, introducing new ideas.
It's hard to be around an N on a daily basis and NOT be influenced by them. They fill up the space. They suck in all the oxygen.
I ask myself a similar question, why did I stay around for so long? And I guess part of the answer is that I have a respect for that entrepenurial, visionary part of some N's personality. There is an energy being around someone so dynamic.
And at the same time, it took a tremendous personal sacrifice. Immense sacrifice. As I reflect back, I am shocked that I could not see the true effect of the relationship as it was happening. Like you, I came to see myself as isolated. I question my abliity to love. (And why not!! The word "love" in my N Relationship was not really Love at all. Of course, I became confused!)
Now I feel open to the universe. Open to possibility. Optimistic that the world is abundant and that one way or another, things will work out and I will be okay.
It's an interesting question.
lynn
futurehope:
--- Quote ---It's hard to be around an N on a daily basis and NOT be influenced by them. They fill up the space. They suck in all the oxygen.
--- End quote ---
Hello Lynn, you are soo right. I am glad to have found this post this AM. Thank you for that.
They are like black holes. I was doing fairly well up until about last week. I just realized why. I have been away from him/NH during the day since my baby has been born working from home. (we work togather/self employeed - oh and thats a real fun trip too :roll: 24/7 with a textbook N!! Mygod, its incredible that I can even function!)
Well Last week due to the holidays, He's been around more and I regressed into depression again. Being around him literally SUCKS the strength/hope right out of me. Then I proceed to beat myself up for not being stronger.
I feel a bit better today just reading this. Thank you for posting it Tokyo Jim.
Here's another example of how toxic they can be.
My neighbors just separated. The wife moved out with the kids and they were tying to work things out. (married 15 years since high school separated for maybe a week). So the remaining nieghbor come over to talk to my NH about whats going on and ask for adivce. (YIKES!!!) They were in the garage for about 3 hours, My NH was eating up their conflict. Spitting out his venom. He helped by telling him how horrible his wife was for leaving, uprooting the kids etc. Poisoning his mind with complete lies about where the wife was during the day, she must be cheating....Encouraged him to get a divorce pronto and apparently gave him some lawyer contacts. Forgot to add this earlier: He also encouraged the husband to get out that he was better than this didnt deserve it or have to put up with it. Told him to find a date, go to a club/bar and forget about her. She's not worthy ect ect ect.
A few days later I got a horrible phone call from the wife. She recieved divorce papers, and was crying wondering why my NH said what he did to her husband, how could he be so cruel- what did she ever do to him? Really unbelieveable. I told her to call him at work and speak with him directly I was not going to give him ANY excuses . I told her how sorry I was and really cant explain his behaviour. I made an effort to tell her and her husband to talk to each other, get counseling, and talk with real friends that have their best interests at heart.
Also he apparently gave this neighbor my younger sister's phone number , without her consent, to get a date. Didnt matter that she was half his age or had a boyfriend. Didnt matter that these people had a family with kids and was married 15 years. The guy did indded call her!! and she called me asking why we gave him her number....how pathetic it is really. Nothing is sacred to them.
Ns ARE like infectious diseases of the mind/soul.
--- Quote ---Now I feel open to the universe. Open to possibility. Optimistic that the world is abundant and that one way or another, things will work out and I will be okay.
--- End quote ---
i cant wait to get there!!!
lynn:
--- Quote from: futurehope ---He's been around more and I regressed into depression again. Being around him literally SUCKS the strength/hope right out of me. Then I proceed to beat myself up for not being stronger.
--- End quote ---
Hi futurehope,
When I finally reached the point that I could recognize the "black hole" for what it was, I was at a turning point. For so long, he did suck the strength/hope out of me and I couldn't recognize it. I knew I felt bad, but I couldn't tell where the bad feelings were originating.
In another thread, someone mentioned playing the opposite "role" to her N. I can understand that. I suppose, when I got married, I, too, was fearful of intimacy. So my fear-of-intimacy-story intertwined with his the-N-greatest-story. It's just that over time it didn't get better. Instead of two people supporting and caring and growing. Our opposite roles became more defined and rigid.
I guess what I am saying, is that it is important to me to recognize and understand my role in this marriage mess. Everyone has positive and negative aspects to their personality. At the beginning, there were aspects of my N's personality that were very attractive. But ying and yang in everything: Those same things became the black hole that exists now. I want to find a way to take responsibility for my part, so that I won't make the same mistakes again.
I have loved the recent threads on trust and inimacy as these are key issues for me. And I want to understand my self more.
lynn
Tokyojim:
Futurehope,
Yes, the N will spot a point of weakness and go for it. That is a chance to feel important. Your neighbor was most likely in emotional pain and unsure of the relationship and what to do. That was the N's big chance!
The ability of the N to appear like a caring friend is uncanny. They cannot engage in prolonged relationships, or they will be discovered. The N I have known for 40 years is amazing sometimes. I have seen him speak with people and hone in on their troubles and act like a caring friend, but behind their back he only shows disdain and scorn. "They are stupid low-lifes." Or something like that, he would say.
On most of these posts, people are discussing what the N has done to them. I would like to know more about WHY people are attracted to them. They do have an energy and optimism, and if their grandiosity is not extreme, it is believeable and infectious. But it is like a poisonous drug.....
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