Going back to Ns

[reallyME]

Changing,

My love and care goes out to you for all you've endured.  I'm most certain that your poor brother is now in the arms of a loving God in a place of peace at last.  It is DEPLORABLE how people are often treated in health facilities!

~Laura

[axa]

Hi Sea Storm,

Yep, still hanging on in here.  I suppose the reason I was wondering was because XN's Xwife went back to him.  She had a significant breakdown before she left him ten years ago ended up having psychotic episodes and seeing a psychiatrist.  She was unable to make a life for herself, abandoned her kids etc........ she blames him for her breakdown, which I have no doubt was was a major part of her problem and ended up going back to him.  I know she puts a lot of value on money and material things and does not have much money herself.  Also she has not worked for years.  I guess the idea of going back to someone who drove you over the edge seems so crazy to me.  She used to say to me "I was not the crazy one"........ I have no doubt she will end up having another breakdown but it will take time.  He has not changed at all and never will.  Just cannot understand why someone would return to the lions den.

You sound strong which is so good to hear.  I so empathised with you after you broke up with Npartner.  It is wonderful to see you back and beginning to live your own life.

axa

[sweetgrass]

today is the week "5" of NC with my xN. some of you may remember, I found out he had been seeing another woman, confronted him, & have not heard from him since. This is the 2nd break up we have had. the 1st one lasted 4 mos.

It has been very very difficult to be without him. It was hard the 1st breakup, and even harder now. Honestly, I don't know why he walked out the 1st time. We exchanged some harsh words with each other one night, and I didn't hear from him again in 4 mos. Poof! he was gone.

Not one single hr has passed these 5 weeks that I haven't thought of him. It is hard being without him. Knowing that another woman is involved with him makes it harder in my opinion. always wondering if he is enjoying her more than he did me, what they talk about, has he thought of me, what he is thinking,
ect...

a friend of mine tells me all the time he will be back. says he has only put me on a shelf for now, but will be back. he is a no teenager, and i keep thinking maybe he has found someone that he really wants to settle down with. Even though i thought it was me that he wanted. After all he has asked me to marry him, and had given me an engagement ring????

if he called me today, and wanted to come back, i am not sure how i would respond. I know he is not good for me, but there is something about him that i just can't seem to get out of my system. I know that most of you understand?

I just don't know what I will do if he calls. I am going on with life, but he still occupies much to much of my brain. I am preparing myself for the possibility that he maynot call, but i am not getting into another relationship. I know I am not ready for that... I am truly working on me, and the will to say NO...

Confused2

[Ami]

Dear Confused 2.
   I can hear your anguish so I wanted to respond.I am going to be really honest b/c I appreciate honesty.
  I think that you are "weakening" yourself so that you will be"ready" to go back when he calls. Instead of "giving up the chocolate cake" and seeing yourself as "thin." You are fantasising  how delicious the cake is. This is called "romancing the drink, food , man(or whatever addiction you are trying to break)
 I think that you already know,inside yourself, that you will go back  , The process of_"Should I or Shouldn't I?-"-- seems to just be  a mental exercise that you are doing to feel as if you  are making some choice   I think that you have already made the choice that you will go back the minute he calls
   I think that you are playing a "game" with yourself. I hope that I am not being too honest. The posts that help me are the gut level honest ones. You can get lies everywhere.
 I give this opinion in the spirit of love                                      Hugs    Ami

[sweetgrass]

I'm not sure Ami, but i know today i want him back. if it be only for a minute....

your honest is appreciated. i have not said anything i haven't said to my Therapist. BUT! he(xN) hasn't call me and that is my saving grace....

to all that would like to respond, I can handle honesty. This drug is hard to kick

Sweetgrass

[Ami]

Dear Sweet grass,
       It  IS a drug. You have to look at it that way. It will hurt you and maybe even destroy you. I ask you to use this time to go within and find out what is missing inside you that you will tolerate abuse.? What are you not giving to yourself so that you are set up for an abusive man.?
   I can tell you that I am going through "hell" trying to heal. I am hurting, raw and vulnerable. However, the prize at the end is YOU. I am getting glimpses of peace and self esteem. Today, I had a wonderful gift. I realized that I can CHOSE my life rather than" let it happen." It was a  gut revelation .
  No man can ever give you what you need. You need to love and honor yourself.It is a "fix" to feel good from this type of guy. Go within and share your pain  in life.I suspect that it is childhood pain. Share the pain  that makes you want to feel better---- so badly that you will take an abusive guy. I am waiting to help, if you want   Love   Ami

[redginger]

I'm not sure Ami, but i know today i want him back. if it be only for a minute....

your honest is appreciated. i have not said anything i haven't said to my Therapist. BUT! he(xN) hasn't call me and that is my saving grace....

to all that would like to respond, I can handle honesty. This drug is hard to kick

Sweetgrass

Run, run, as fast as you can. My daughter stayed away for 5 months....went back to visit her brother (another state) hooked up with xN for one night. What he did to her broke her....so much so that she hung herself 2 nights later. Run as fast as you can.

[axa]

sweetgrass,

My deepest sympathy.......... it really is an addiction and has nothing to do with him.  I thought I could never live without XN he convinced me that life with him was so wonderful....... the more distance I get the more I see the madness.  I know how terrible the pain is, how empty you feel.  Sometimes I understand people cannot allow in the truth of the abuse and want another chance to "make it right"  Nothing will make it right and that is what I have learned.  Once you become the devalued one it just gets worse and worse.  I threathened, set boundaries, which I broke, in the hope that things would improve but each engagement just got more and more abusive.

It is so difficult to come to terms with the fact that you are nothing to someone other than supply when everything else fails.  Letting that truth in is such apainful experience.  Six months down the line I struggle with the aloneness, the energy it is taking to rebuild my life but at peace with the fact that I that I am not waiting any longer for someone who hated me to see me, hear me.  I think it was like a living death........ I am so grateful that I am not walking on eggshells any longer, that I can be myself, that I am not afriad of my presence annoying somebody.  I am claiming my place in the world. 

Please keep posting and get all the thoughts, fear out here it really does help.

Hugs,

axa

[confused2]

Maybe there is some truth in what Ami said."I have already made up my mind to take my xN back if he wants back." I have to be honest and say I have thought about it. I also, must say I am not proud of myself. I am really pretty disgusted with my thoughts. He left me for another woman, has not called once in 5 weeks, and I feel I can take him back and be happy! I know my thoughts are obscurd. How could I ever trust him again?

I would be consumed with thoughts of his whereabouts,  what he would be doing,  who is he with, why want he answer his phone, ect ect.  YET, i can't get him off my mind& heart?? It is crazy insane I know it is, but I want him. Every since he left, I have been consumed with thought so him, night and day. Broken sleep, little appetite, staying at home, just consumed with him.

My therapist has told me NO CONTACT, and i have not made any. There is a 50% chance he want come back, or ever call me again. If he doesn't, someday I think I will be able to have a functional life. I will never forget him, and I will forever be looking over my shoulder for him, but I will not allow myself to contact him. I think if I call him, he will know he has all the power, and he will truly think he can have his cake and eat it too.

For now, I am just in the waiting to see what he is going to do stage. I promised myself& my therapist I would not call him, and I plan to stick by my promise. It is really really difficult to go on without him. I hate it when my friend tells me he has "put me on the shelf" for now. I hate that I allow anyone to "put me on the shelf."

Before him, I would never allow anyone to put me any place. I wish I knew what it is about him that makes me crazy. Like I said in my last response, him not contacting me is my saving grace. perhaps it will forever be that way. but, i sure do miss him like crazy.

Sweetgrass

[Hopalong]

Dear Sweetgrass/Confused--

"Forever" is a hypnotic word (you used it three times, hon--but it's the enmeshed part of you saying it, not the whole and healing part).

I think it will help you whenever you catch yourself thinking "forever" about this yearning, if you say firmly to yourself:

This pain is NOT forever. I feel it now but I can trust what others say that it will become less painful. It will get less painful a little bit every day, and a year from now I will look back and not even feel hurt any more.

I know this is true. So I am going to distract myself from the obsessive thoughts right now by doing _______.

You think? Hope it helps.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Redginger,

I was just going to ask if you'd start a thread to talk to us (about that loss, or about anything you like).

I am so terribly sorry you have experienced such a shattering loss. I can't imagine how you breathe. Words truly are inadequate to say how sorry I am.

I hope you have found meaning in continuing without your daughter, and I know you will have strength to share.

Thank you for posting. I'll look forward to hearing more from you.

Hopalong

[sea stormr]

I am so thankful that there is this place for us all. In my deepest pain you were there for me and I swear I would not have made it through the agony of my partner leaving me.

My yearning and longing for him was so powerful that I thought that it had to be what I must do. It took everything I had in me plus support from you to help me cross that abyss and not contact him. I learned what was underlying many of the forces at work in my relationship and even faced my own responsibility in it all.  I made a choice.  No matter what I felt even if it felt like the flames of hell  I was not going back.

Months later I am starting to really recover. Each day I feel so much better than the day before. For a long time all I did was run on faith. There certainly was no hope.  Today was the first day that I was relieved that X was gone. I am beginning to see how lost I was.  I wasn't even barely there. THis is only in looking back.

I have a friend who is gifted with honesty. Two months ago she said that I seemed completely defeated.  I was.  Today I am looking forward to creating my life and curious about what will happen.  I find I am meeting nice people. Everything is shifting.  How can I tell someone to surrender to oblivion and go through feelings that are so close to being unbearable?  You are so right redginger. Run as fast as you can, or crawl or hide but get away. This is a great place. This is refuge for the hunted, beaten, shamed, and nearly destroyed.

My heart is so full of love for you all.

Sea storm

[Ami]

Dear Confused 2
    Try to put in to words-- what you are yearning for. Is it unconditional love, wanting to curl up and be taken care of, wanting to feel validated?  There is something inside you- that when it heals-- you will not need this man.                                Love  Ami

[Hopalong]

Dear Seastorm,
That is extraordinary.
And so wonderful to read.

Joy for you.
((((Sea))))

Hops

[dandylife]

Sweetgrass,
You wrote: "I wish I knew what it is about him that makes me crazy. Like I said in my last response, him not contacting me is my saving grace. perhaps it will forever be that way. but, i sure do miss him like crazy."

N's are very skilled at making people feel this way. They are crafted 'splitters'. Which means they see things in black and white. Even people. When you are 'white', you are put on a pedestal. You would be treated like a queen, the most beautiful, sexy, wanted person in the world. I can see that you must have been treated this way by your N at times.

BUT watchout because as soon as you are on the other side - you are tossed aside or 'put on the shelf' like you said. And you have experienced that, too. This is classic N.

This won't change about him. I think you already sense this inside.

Dandylife