Stormchild: thanks for putting it so clearly --- " cycles of abuse - fight - catharsis - avoid discussing the problem so that it is never really addressed or solved - abuse - fight - ad nauseam Vicious cycles = unaddressed problems. Always." ----- It was exctly like that!
Avoid discussing the problem was the habit groomed from young. If I express any different opinion, they would go berserk, they considered it as personal attacks on them. I never really talked with both of my parents, and I dare not to say anything congruent to either of them(cause 1).
Children are not respected in my family. At times we are burden to them, at times we are useful little slaves to do chores, at times we are used as window dressing if we excelled at school. My father is immersed in power and politics, my mother used her youth and beauty to marry him, she is shallow, lazy and vain. It was a perfect marriage for both of them. They adored/endorsed each other, so wraped up in their world. The children are the byproducts. They would think it crazy to treasure children, instead they thought I owe my lifer to them(cause 2). I was drilled with that idea.
I am doomed/disvantaged dealing with them because of above reasons. As a child(even adult child) how can you not loved you parents? How can you suspects that they don't love you and never will? Subconciously you would try to hide the fact, forget and buried it deep, and coping with various mechanism, such as grabbing, neediness, competiviness, winning, whinning, etc. If they disliked your mechanism, they would accuse you of a bad seed, bad this, bad that. You are in a double bind. Then when you are older, try to deal with them, and dealings arel random, sequential, you never had a Aha moment to connect the dots. cycles of abuse - fight - catharsis - avoid discussing the problem so that it is never really addressed or solved - abuse - fight - ad nauseam.
That is until Nauseam. At the end of my interaction with my mother, I got physically sick when hearing her phoney voice, my heart palpitating, my stomack all twist up. I am so scared, like a caged animal. My body revolted. My guts knows better than my mind(programmed guilt ridden mind). That is a turning point. I know I can not pretending anymore. My body revolted.
What is price I am going to pay for the life they give me? The life they give me is a lease, they want to take rent from it. Just like a business.
The fairytales of snowwhite, hansel and gretel, their wicked step mothers are realistic, could be drawn from real life, and the mother can be the real mother. Think about it, the egomaniacs, sociopath, psycopath, NPD, BPD, etc, they all can reproduce, if they are who they are, chaos in your life.
Thank you Ami, reallyMe, Axa, Sally, thank you for your understanding and validation, it means a lot to me.
