Thanks you guys! It's great that you feel great that I feel great!!!
I felt that I was hogging Wildflower's 'Healing' thread, so I've brought some of my stuff back here. Thanks for this comment, Guest...
Sounds like she's been stuck in the child point, or likes it there. And at some time, way, way, way back, you moved to the parent point and she liked it, (heck, maybe even you liked it for a moment,) so she's kept pushing you back there, every time you try to get out, and go back to the child point.
It's not
safe for her to be in the parent role. I don't want her to be in the parent role - it's only safe if
I'm in the parent role. I carry that into real life, too - I prefer to chair meetings, for example and, gosh, how I used to despise myself for that - 'who do I think I am'!!!. When I do lead a project, all these 'children' pull on my apron strings and I'm just not strong enough - they pull me down, exhaust me. More self-despising. "See, all that wanting to 'run the show', be in the limelight, competing and taking on the role of leader and you can't hack it, can you?! Pathetic!"
I see now that I was so, so wrong about my motivation. I certainly didn't feel that I wanted to take on the role of leader when there were others around to do it who could carry out the role. I rarely came across them. But somebody strong and
whole turns up and - hey - things are safe round here. I can relax!! I'm just the Princess round here, never intended to be Queen - let me show you to the throneroom!!!
Except then I despise myself for not having had the courage to be in charge and for wanting to be the 'number two' - but I'm such a brilliant gopher/trouble-shooter/enabler. When someone is in charge, then I can do anything (for them) because I'm not frightened, or in a no win situation.
But this then makes me ripe for abuse by 'N' women. Whatever you want, I will do for you. You know, the full blown sicko masochistic slave thing. That's what it feels like, anyway. It only took one whisper for me to realise and I shut the door so damn quick but everything I had built up was already destroyed. I was so ashamed to realise I'd been suckered into such a relationship - and at 'that' kind of level in 'that' kind of organisation! God, I've led such a complicated life!!!
So these are two aspects of the same 'mother'. I think my mother must really be sick or I've got something seriously wrong with me. (Or both) I really, really don't see it possible to come out from understanding this in any other way.
But I think that I can now understand myself in a different way. I'm just 'filling the gap' until somebody 'safer' comes along - somebody more rational, stronger, 'truly' strong who will put everybody - the weak, the cruel, the crazy - in their proper places. And who won't use me to meet their own needs.
That 'inexperienced therapist' comes in here, too. Right towards the beginning, we had a session in which some kind of nteraction 'happened'. Whatever I was 'doing' to him, was making him sweat - literally. What was going on??? On the way home I suddenly sank in a devastated heap - no, I just couldn't, shouldn't do this : if I look after him then I'll never get 'better'. (!) But it was too late. Whatever 'interaction' had gone on, I'd come out of it by saying 'no thanks, terrible idea' but he never did. And I was his 'mother' ever after that.
So when I was 'put' into group therapy I was devastated - I feared it would only push me into the 'looking after everybody' role again and I just didn't want that - particularly as that would then put me into a role in which I was competing with the 'real' group leaders (two women) and that would never do either. What a mess, what confusion - no win, never could win, wouldn't let myself win - I didn't want to win - but she (my mother) just wasn't safe.
It's totally different in terms of 'real' parenting. My mother used to say 'when you've got children of your own, then you'll know what it's like' and I guiltily waited for the moment when it would be true and I'd 'know'. But when my own child came along, all it proved to me was that I wouldn't dream of doing to him what she does to me. In fact, having my own child was probably the 'sowing of seeds' that led to me having a greater understanding of what she does do to me.
One day I even thought about testing something out on my son just to see what he thought about it (long before I'd worked the concept of narcissim into my vocabulary). And I couldn't do it - even as an experiment, I just couldn't get the words out of my mouth. I can't remember what it was - nothing devastating but just 'wrong'.
But 'not being strong enough to be the (my own) parent' - now that HAS affected my own role as a mother. I realise that I haven't felt strong enough to be my son's parent. Oh
That's the damage I've done. I've become more and more ill over time, less able to play or do anything requiring physical energy. And I'm so, so angry (apparently 'bored' - 'yawn').
Anyway, I didn't ever want to be my mother's parent. Parent is too close to persecutor in my mother's mind. Yes, she wants me to be the parent. But I'm just trying to fill in the gap in my own life until something better comes along!!!! And trying to avoid the yukkie stuff in between!!
Groan - I will now lightly let myself descend into what I feel about all this.
Some of the shame has gone!!!??? It should be curling up round my ears. It's definitely somewhere, lurking around, but, well, dance a jig!!!!!!!!!
Nope, my ears are definitely not buzzing; I can see clearly; I'm not shrinking in my chair. I can't believe this!!!!! I realise it might leap up again after I've posted this but, for now....
!
R
