I see it clearly

[Overcomer]

I do not see my mom doing that exactly-it is all about her and the only time her fangs come out is when I have the audacity to question her.

[Hopalong]

Hi Lighter,
What a powerful, excoriating image...I can relate to many parts of it. If anyone ever wonders what the betrayal of love looks like, there it is.

The only thing I stumbled over was:

we're too weak too stupid too trusting and gullible to be special on any lasting level they can appreciate

I think for me there's an aspect of liberation in no longer wanting to be special. Once I question specialness itself, I feel a sense of freedom.

I want to be loved and appreciated and enjoyed. I think that's enough though.

Hops

[CB123]

I have been working 2 days a week.  Five hours a day.  Where else can you get those kinds of hours and get paid big bucks?

OC,

When did this happen?  How long have you been working these few hours?  Why do you suppose your mom is paying you so much for that amount of hours? 

CB

[Overcomer]

Well she really didnt "let" me, I told her I was going to but back to two days a week during the summer and it has been hard for me because I feel like a slacker but it is my way of keeping power over myself.  I have gotten to the point where I inform her of what I plan on doing and do not le her looks or suggestions sway what I choose.  It has not been that way for long but I am serious about not caring anymore .  I dont!

[finding peace]

Hey OC - I can relate to this - "I think maybe the years of analyzing and reading psych books I can identify dysfunctional behaviors."  I think living with an N also teaches us to be hypervigilant about watching body language and listening to nuances of language.  In my case, I trusted what I saw and how something was said more than the actual words I heard (by-product of excessive gaslightling I think). So, I think maybe we see at a different level than people who did not have to be hypervigilant as children (can be a good thing and a bad thing)!

Lighter - you have an incredible gift with words.  I have read so much about N on the Internet – that is, by far, the best description I have ever heard of my parents.

Peace

[reallyME]

With X, I used to tell her to her face "I feel like I'm a cat and you always dangle a fish in front of me and then yank it away right when I feel like I'm getting close to it.  (in this case, it was with a relationship with God...I came to believe that nobody could attain such a close one, other than her, cause she'd tell me I needed it, tell me anyone could have it, imply that there was some info she knew about it that I didn't, but that I could have if I just tried hard enough...and, all that time, I kept wondering what it was that she had that I wanted and why I didn't have it yet and how I could get it...then, when i'd out and out ask her "why does it feel like you are "keeping something from me?"  She would look dumbfounded and ask "whaddaya mean?  There's nothin, girl."  I'd be left to keep striving and wondering...not ever knowing what I was wondering about.

There was something she used to tell me a lot about something, a box hanging over my head...next time, that it was shaking, the lid was coming off, and  that I"d find out what it was when it was revealed in the right time.  I always feared leaving the relationship, because I'd never know what that something over my head was.  Now, I will never know anyway, cause X is history and the mystery remains eternally.

[Hopalong]

Aww, RM, I hate that.
The mystery was NOT special secret only-the-enlightened spiritual knowledge that only she had and you could never have access to.

The "special" knowledge she had was her extraordinary gift at manipulation. Toying with you because she sensed you didn't have enough faith in yourself to believe you were free and clear to indentify what was good and healing on your own.

That's what she was manipulating you about. She did not, and does not, know anything more than you do.
There's no mystery only "special" people know.

You're as special and spiritual as anyone else, there are no priests, only people wearing robes, and other like you who yell, The Empress has No Clothes.

Grrrr.

Hops

[reallyME]

HEAR THAT, X EMPRESS!  THE BOX WAS NOTHING MORE THAN YOUR MANIPULATION OF ME!  The mystery is SOLVED!

[lighter]

Ami... I didn't figure it out.  It was the "feeling" I had when I was trying to stop puking around my N. 

The disparity between what he was doing, and saying, was so extreme, his demand that I ignore what he was doing and listen to what he was saying so apparent, I felt pregnant for months and couldn't stop the feeling of sickness. 

There was no other way to reconcile it but to simply admit what was happening to me and stop trying to deny it or leave it unsaid. 

FInally, telling him how I saw it, finding my voice, made the feeling go away. 

It was holding the feelings inside that was making me sick, not his behavior. 

It was the way I dealt with it. 

I was in so much distress and pain, I had to admit what I was feeling. 

I didn't figure anything out. 

I just accepted the truth. 

Does that make sense? 

[Overcomer]

I am in Atlanta for a business trip!  Is is almost like the scales fall off of your eyes and you see clearly-it is so horrifying to realize the trauma you have been through.

[lighter]

The scales are off (darnit)




and






it's







scary. 






Not overwhelming ALL THE TIME




anymore,




just



scary.




I don't want to grow up LIKE THIS, lol! 

I don't want to have to fight someone I put in place to protect me. 

I married an N(fox) to guard the hen house (marriage/self/life.) 

HOW IRONIC IS THAT, lol!?!?? 

I invited this struggle!

Set it up, engineered it on some level and I KNOW THAT!

I am SO HATING life right now.

Not only do I have to accomplish the things I always struggled with when I was just me, on my own, which I did but it wasn't pretty......

I have to do them AND PARENT AND FIGHT AND STRUGGLE AGAINST a lying criminal sociopath who's bent on bending me to his will.  "Ow, you're standing on my neck, ummmmm... excuse me, could you please get off my windpipe?"  Figuratively most of the time, lol, of course. 

Along with worrying about money resposibilty and keeping up with bills and schools and the emotional wellbeing of  wonderful little human beings who depend on me solely...... I have a lifetime of defending an indefensible position with this N crazy person who's as cool as the Terminator around other people!  Maddening!  And he's a very good liar and thinks that's a compliment! 

OK..... I'm flipping the switch to living in the moment. 

::CLICK::


See how that works, lol? 

I'm now enjoying the perfectly brewed cup of coffee I notice on my bedside table, because I stopped to look around. MMMMmm whipped cream.

I touched my newly waxed and detailed car and changed a load of laundry over a minute ago.  Both enjoyable tasks.  The scent of my favorite laundry soap on clean bedding.  The way my fingers glide accross freshly waxed car paint.  I used to enjoy the walking meditation of detailing my car but.....

I'll get into the shower  and hope I enjoy it as much as I have 3 or 4 other showers that I wished wouldn't end. 

I can't always decide what makes one shower great and the others a dissapointment. 

It's the same with massages though I chalk that up to the fact I have painful deep tissue work done and it's rare that I have any work done that's not got me on the edge of crying out.  It's a matter of honor that I not cry out, btw.  Don't want him thinkin I'm a milk toast.  And why do I care?   ::shrug::  Ouch. 

I look forward to celebrating the little things though. 

I realize that's the road to my personal redemption. 

Sometimes I look around and I realize I'm lying on the side of the road, lol.....

so I get up,

dust myself off and get back on the path. 

Till I find myself laying in the dust again,

and I know I will, lol. 

I don't beat myself up about it, for God's sake....

I can barely navigate the path with my goodwill. 

Whatever would I do if I was letting the negative voices in my head,

 which are pretty quiet these days,

have their way with me? 

I wish that for everyone here. 
Think positively. 
Think constructively. 
Keep making moves that lead to a better place. 
Have a plan and get familiar with it so you can refer back to it when you're in the void and everything's dark and overwhelming. 
One good feeling leads to another. 
Feeling better is a matter of consistently making better choices and changing our thoughts and habits. 

I feel this in my bones.... I'm on to something; ) 
 

[Overcomer]

You are definitely on a roll-it does not feel good to live with psychos does it?

[Hopalong]

Lighter,
I have to respond to another post of yours I forget where.

For here, just...keep rolling. You are a powerful person and there's nothing to lol about in that.

Hops

[sally]

HOW IRONIC IS THAT, lol!?!??

I invited this struggle!

Set it up, engineered it on some level and I KNOW THAT!

Dear Lighter,

It is my belief, based on everything I've read, that we all invited the struggle with the N because WE were set up as prey for Ns.

Our upbringing made us easy pickins for Ns.  We were attracted to Ns (and they to us) because Narcissism was modeled to us when we grew up.  People who grew up in healthy families don't pick Ns.

So, you didn't set yourself up, rather your upbringing set you up. 

I love that in the depths of despair, you hit the clicker and then you're living in the moment.  I did that too today and it worked for me.  Said to myself that yesterday is gone, I only have today, I only have this very moment and I refuse to polute my thoughts with thinking about all the wrongs that the N did to me.  Then, I concentrated on the beautiful day, sunshine, etc.  I felt better.

Lighter, I love your posts, especially the one you wrote about "they did their best".  Think I'll print that out.

Hang in there.

Love,
sally

[Ami]

dear Lighter,
    You are encouraging me to "go within". That is where my answers are. That is how you get the wisdom that you do. You go within-- with honesty.
  How I got "destroyed" by the N mother was her taking away that route to my heart and core. She threw a nuclear bomb on it.
    God had other plans ,though. He made me to be the person I was BEFORE she interfered.that is who I am- not this blob of mess with N thinking.Thanks for reminding me of our "birthright.                 Love  Ami