Thank you from the bottom of my heart for responding. I was reluctant to post this thread b/c it is so personal, vulnerable and raw. Then I said,"You can either save your a## or your face. ."Every time that I dig deep, I am rewarded with insight and wisdom from all of you. It must be Divine grace b/c someone or many people will have exactly the 'remedy" that I need. The posts to this thread were incredible.
Laura, I am speechless how brilliantly you described the N mother(or mentor)) relationship. I was blown away at the small details that are the same for N's.I never ,ever, knew that there was someone else like my mother. The traits are so "bizarre" that you think that you are all alone in this dark place.Also, you are embarrassed and ashamed to have a mother like this so you don't tell anyone. Then,if your father tells you you are imaging it-- you are set up for extreme self doubt( at the least)
I wanted to address one particular thing that you said. It hit a raw nerve.The other day, I realized that something had 'come back"inside me. it was the "power" of choice. I was so happy and so excited. I felt like a 'real" person. You said that after the N mother goes, the child has no ability to function on their own b/c all their functioning was "taking cues".
Thank God this piece of myself "snapped" back in.
I could almost "feel' it come back in. I think when I was vulnerable about the self punishment,I was rewarded by losing a layer of distortion and gaining a brick of health.
Today, though, I feel such a depression. It is b/c Maria was over. For me having a close relationship with a woman is a few steps less than' "torture". It just hurts and hurts. I am going to just keep going through whatever layers I have to go through in order to heal.
Maria is about the 'easiest" friend that you could have. I really could not find a better person.If God brought her to me and she loves me (with all my warts). I will just keep on "keepin" on".
In the meantime-- it is a mean time Love Ami
