Eh..... when I use the phrase "they did the best they could" I'm almost always following it up with..."If they could have done better, they would have."
For me, it's not about whether they knew what they were doing was wrong.
It doesn't really matter.
THEY DIDN'T do better BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T or they would have. Any reasonable person would have.
They aren't reasonable.
They don't have the ability to put anyone else's feelings or needs before their own because they have DISORDERED minds.
Even if they know better, like crack addicts know better, their pain overrides the RIGHT choice.
N's are attention addicts.
Children desire and require attention too.
Can you imagine the strain that puts on someone who WANTS ALL THE EMPATHY/ATTENTION FOR THEMSELVES?
The child is going to be marginalized and scapegoated bc N has to keep avoiding REALITY at all costs.
Not because harming their child is the goal. It's not. Avoiding reality is their goal and harming those around them is the natural by product.... it's a SYMPTOM not the cause. They don't have any empathy for those around them. THEY ARE THE HARM THEY DO! Asking them to change would be like asking them to stop being a diabetic, as opposed to a crack addict.
THEY ARE THE PERSONALITY DISORDER, it's not something they can change about themselves.
The N naturally projects their own character flaws on eveyone around them IMAGINE HOW EASY IT IS TO DO TO AN INNOCENT LITTLE CHILD! Not because N's have children to BE the perfect victims. I think most N's have children bc they WANT to have normal lives. They want to be good parents. THEY THINK THEY ARE GOOD PARENTS. They aren't even whole functional people. They have the emotional level of a 2 year old. It's bound to go badly.
Imagine the guilt they'd feel if they didn't blame EVERYTHING on someone else.... on the child, husband, sister, employee. employer. They're that sick and broken, Ami, that they can't take responsibility for any of their flaws or misconduct. Brittle and flimsey is their ability to cope and the reality would break them.
Your mother can't do any better because of defense mechanisms she put in place to survive her own childhood, most likely. Not because she chose to feel and act this way or because you deserved it in any small way.
She just knows that she feels bad and she wants to protect herself from feeling bad, it's a cycle and it self perpetuates.
If she's truly an N, her ego is a paralyzed little child huddling inside, a helpless voyer and unable to participate or have a voice.
The personality construct, that saved her when she was a child, living her life.
Now, those defense mechanism hurts her but what's she to do?
It's about survival for her, not about tearing her children apart.
For you, it's about being torn apart and you'll have to put yourself back together and make peace with the fact that your mother cannot will not could not do better than she has.
She's constructed walls and attitudes to defend agains EXAMINING her actions, she won't ever get around to changing them, because she won't examine them. See? Nothing to do with you. Not that you aren't important enough it's that she can't because it would be like facing death for her. She doesn't want to go there. She won't, even if she understood and cared that she hurt you, which she doesn't IMO, she can't take the exposure and reality. IT'S ALL SHE LIVES FOR! PERPETUATING her own skewed reality and forcing it down the throats of those around her. Beating them down and relentlessly making them doubt reality and accept her own version.
What a dreadful way to live!
She can't change that about herself. I'm so sorry Ami.
The saying.... "It's hope that kills us" comes to mind over and over again.
Accept your mother and her behavior for what it is. It isn't personal, though nothing on this earth could BE more personal than a mother's treatment of her baby/child, I know.
You're mother was lost a very long time ago, probably between 18months and 36months of age. She never recovered. I'm sorry. Try to feel some empathy for what happened to her but know that you can save no one BUT YOURSELF!
That's your job now.
You, my dear, will recover and you and your children and future grandchildren will benefit from all that you're learning.
You have broken a cycle and it's your job to help your son's parent as well as possible.
Remember to rise above and try to view this without emotion.
Try to enter the role of observer in your own life if you can.
It's so hard to think much less think straight when your being swept along by shots of adrenaline and pain and fear during this very difficult time in your life.
I can't imagine how hard it must be ((Ami))
You're doing some very good work on this board.
Ami is a survivor, a mother, a wife and the caretaker of animals and herself.
As for the role of wife, you may or may choose to continue with that.
Your discovering Ami right now and that's your focus.
Don't freak yourself out worrying about decisions, concentrate on gaining knowledge and tools and KNOW that you're going to feel better some days and worse on others.
Stop freaking out and get still when the bad comes. Listen to it and see what it's trying to say.
Your pain needs to be heard and I think you're very intuitive and capable Ami. You just don't trust yourself yet.....
but you will; )
