Dear Beth,
I have been thinking about you and your trip. Glad you are back here. Did you say that you speak 'Russian or another language and teach it? I have been meaning to ask you. I so admire people who speak other languages.
As far as your parents. I did not recognize this 'crazy making" type of behavior until recently. I told my mother she "victimizing me". I said that I would only accept e mails b/c she was "waiting to get me" on the phone. She turned the whole thing around that she was not going to LET me be a victim ,so she was not going to have contact with me. When she punished me sufficiently, she called with an attitude like,"I am so gracious that even though you should be punished, I am bestowing my call on you."
At that moment, I saw crazy making behavior and i started getting free.
Beth , Sela talked about hope. I think that you are holding on to hope( as I am). I don't know if I will ever heal sufficiently to let go of it. I hope so,
It would have to be the grace of God ,only, that could get rid of hope in me.There is something in you that wants your mother to love you. That is how I see it.
I have been thinking of calling mine, now, that I am doing so well.I think that maybe I can make it O.K. Then, I think of the incident above and don't do it.
It is really awful. It would be so much better if they had schizophrenia or something obvious (in a way)where they could not "lie" to others and then blame you for being unforgiving or ignoring them.
I am so very sorry , Beth. I am in the same boat as you-- with the pain and heartache of an N mother.(((((((((((((((((Beth)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Love Ami